I'm beginning year 3 on my journey of grief. As so many of you predicted it has actually gotten softer. S O F T E R, that was a hard word to understand. I get it now, or at least I'm beginning to. I still love my darling Jerry more than anything however I'm also open to sharing my heart with another. (If another catches my attention and proves he deserves it.) Finally, when I'm asked how I'm doing I can say, "I'm doing okay." and mean it.
So many changes in the last 3 years. First, let me talk about triggers. Triggers have changed or perhaps I've somehow added to them. Each time I see a new building going up or land being cleared it breaks my heart and leaves me hopeful at the same time. Life does and is going on. Sometimes it makes me sad that Jerry will never get to see that new development that he helped come to fruition. Sometimes I'm sad because these ppl are moving on developing, destroying whatever the case may be these ppl are carrying on as if the world is the same place. It's all proof life goes forward and I'm moving along with it. Maybe not as quickly as one would like. After 2 years I'm on the threshold of building another life for myself. The way triggers affect me has changed as well. No longer do I sob and do that snotty ugly cry. More often than not I tear up one or two may escape but I reflect and say to myself, Nope Not Today. Today I choose happy. ok, so that's a lie. I try to choose happy but mostly I will count my blessings and not dwell in sadness. Maybe that's as much as I can hope for at the moment but that's alright too. I'm still a long way from where I've been.
Over Christmas, I shocked myself by a big deep long-lasting belly laugh. It felt so good. I was even shocked at how much I have missed the feeling of a genuine laugh. I want me some more of that feeling. Something to work on this coming year perhaps. Jerry was hilarious and kept me in stitches, I have missed laughing like a loon. It was a nice Christmas surprise to find out Jerry didn't take my laugh with him after all.
My son has moved back to the east coast from the northwest. This has been so uplifting. I've seen him 3 x already (he moved closer in November.) My middle daughter wild child who has always given me grief is not on drugs or in jail (like I thought she would be) she is still running with the pack but she isn't causing me any undue stress. My baby girl has settled into a good place. She misses her dad, she misses her stepdad but in spite of her losses at such a young age she's pulled herself together and is a lovely young woman with a good head on her shoulders. I'd say I've been really lucky but I don't actually believe in luck. There are bumps and hurdles that I haven't mentioned but I've learned to take it in stride. It's all part of life anyway.
I am beginning a new career this month. Charging into my 3rd year is scary, exciting and somewhat bittersweet. I've excepted a job that I wouldn't have been able to except if the kids were young or if Jerry were alive. I've been fighting change for such a long time. You all know how it is but I have a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that this 2020, my 3rd year as a widow will be the year I get my shit together and go on. It has been a hard hill to climb but by God's grace and my grit, I'm here on top of it, mindful of my past, hopeful of a positive future and managing to LIVE in the present.
I met my goal last year. I've accepted the grief I'll carry with me always. I'm learning more and more every day how to go on living with it. I'm a survivor, I'm a widow, I'm a mother, I'm a friend, I am a champion of life. Thank you to all of you who have helped me get where I am. May 2020 be good for us all. I pray that each and every one of us here at WV will have our loads lighted and our spirits renewed afresh each time we need it.
My Positive Affirmation for the year: Stay Calm, It's okay not to have everything figured out. Know that in time, you'll get there.