A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Going through the motions
My emotions are too much for me to handle. Family is not understanding me not wanting to live...(I dont want to kill myself I just dont want to live). I dont know if this scares them so much that they flip. They all seem to think therapy is not the answer. I know its not normal that I dont care about anything...for me anyway. I dont care if I eat, I dont care if I dont eat, I dont care if I sleep or not, dont care about work. The only thought that resinates in my mind is that of my loves last few breaths, his being on life support, can he hear me, can he feel me...that what I think ALL THE TIME it seems. I know that this is not normal. They dont want me to be alone. I cant seem to make them understand that I can handle being alone, I cant handle my husband not being there. Ive always been ok being alone. I dont want to stay with them, this is my home. I dont need to leave, I just need to figure out how to not be so ambevilant about it all. I just miss my hubby so much that I cant think of being alive and living without him. Again Im not interested in hurting myself. I cant think of how much it would hurt my family and friends. I dont mistreat myself, I get up every morning, I feed the dogs, I feed the fish, I go to work, I come home, I go to church, I wash my car cause I dont like it being dirty, I do everything that I know I should be doing. I just cant get myself to give a shit about it. I dont want to be this way so Im going for help. Its not a bad thing, Im not betraying anyone, I just dont know how or what else to feel and do.
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Comment by SkipM on March 1, 2013 at 3:00pm -
CARDBOARD....that's how I have described the feeling that you have expressed. I spent most of my time feeling that way. Somehow, some way, it seems that feeling is starting to change (at least a little). Perhaps it is the spring coming, or maybe I'm finding that I can exist being alone. (I don't like it, but I can exist).
Each day, I do what I "have to", well mostly(I do miss doing so of the things I need to do...like cleaning,lol). But with each day, I try to do a little more( or at least try to ). My son (12) and I are trying to get ready for a 10K run/walk in April. We are each day working out a little. I am also a Boy Scout leader, and he is a BoyScout. So we are working at camoing and hiking. Here I need to be very honest-----at first I went thru the motions----and now there are times that I am looking forward to our walks. And sometimes I go for a walk by myself. (There are times that I break down and cry while walking,feeling total aloneness). But as weird as it sounds to me, I am begining to smile and feel good at times.
For each of us, the path is a little different, but mostly we each experience many things in common. Just be gentle with yourself. What is around the next corner is unknown...but keep walking...there are surprises ahead. Joys have a way of taking us by surprise....
something that I found helpful to me was a group called GriefShare.org. They have classes all over the place. It is a type of teaching class...gives many of the things we each find in common...and tells us to "keep" walking, being gentle with ourselves. This is totally new territory to most of us. But others have managed to walk this path. Listen to them to get inspiration.
May your day today, be better than yesterday. And the next tomorrow better than the day before.
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Comment by D&D (Debra) on January 22, 2013 at 2:05pm -
Baseball caps hair in a bun or braid. No makeup. Only get my nails done. He loved my nails and they compliment my wedding rings.
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Comment by MrsD on January 22, 2013 at 1:01pm -
Ditto what moonshadow said. And everything you said.
The personal appearance this especially. I never truly felt beautiful until I met my husband. He was wildly popular with girls but he chose me. I was an awkward kid when we met but I really came into my own with clothes, hair, and makeup. Now though, my hair is in a constant bun, I haven't shaved in months or touched makeup. Funny thing is, he would probably still tell me I look beautiful (although he would give me grief about the shaving). In some ways I miss caring about my appearance, cooking, and my job but really, I just miss him more, too much to care.
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Comment by D&D (Debra) on January 22, 2013 at 11:10am
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Thank you for that moonshadow
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Comment by MoonShadow on January 21, 2013 at 10:47pm -
What you are feeling is normal..for you. I am 15 months lost and at this point I don't give a shit either. I slipped downward immensely since these past holidays. Right now I too feel like I don't want to live. Not that I would hurt myself. Just don't care. Haven't cleaned my house in months...sometimes go without showering for days... I don't dress up or do my hair or wear makeup to work anymore. Why should I ? What you are feeling is "typical". I am there as well. I just keep coming to this site to validate how I feel and know that there are others having similar feelings. I do see a therapist...after 10 weeks ...I have yet to see the point. I don't know...and I don't give a shit. You are not alone in how you feel. Just know that. You are not alone.
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Comment by janet on January 21, 2013 at 5:22pm -
Debra what you are feeling is normal. This is still so new to you and it takes time. Your family isn't going through this and they have no clue. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.
Wishing you peace and hope...
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Comment by Mford4 (Marlene) on January 21, 2013 at 7:50am -
When I read your post Debra, all I can hear is "Damn I just want my life back!!!" That is how I feel about this whole process...I just want what I had back. I know I can't and I don't like it one bit. Thanks for sharing your story. Marlene
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Comment by Dawn- Clouds Mum on January 21, 2013 at 7:00am -
Two years out and I can look back and see myself struggling with the same things when this journey was so raw and fresh. Finding Widville and the wonderful friends I made here along with therapy and time have given me back to myself. I am different, but I am me again. Give it time, have the therapy if you feel that you need it. Your family are not taking your journey, they are on their own, you must do what is right for you. (((HUGS))) Debra.
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Comment by Jill on January 21, 2013 at 12:38am -
It's hard to care about life when you've lost a loving husband. I remember thinking that there was no way it would be possible to live a happy life again. It's so hard for others to understand what you are going through. It sounds to me like you have a good understanding of where you are and what you need to do to get though this really horrible time. Professional help sounds like a great idea. Good luck to you as you work your way around and through this loss. I think it takes a lot longer than people realize to adjust and to find one's way back to fully living again, especially those who haven't experienced a similar loss. Hugs to you.
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Comment by Marsha on January 20, 2013 at 11:54pm -
(((((Debra))))) you are so new to this and raw. I have felt the same way as you and through my grief group and WV I am finding my new life. It hasn't been an easy journey. I just hit 2 years and can now honestly say I care about me again. Just getting back into exercise and starting to concentrate on eating right. Did so much in the beginning on auto pilot. Didn't give a shit about any of it. Still a lot I don't care about but making progress and that's what counts. Think grief counseling is an excellent resource where we are with people who get it. It has helped me tremendously. Coming here to WV has been another excellent outlet and the friends here are priceless!
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