Grief

I was talking to a widow friend tonight and we were talking about grief. Like me she is a writer, but has not been able to find words that work for her with grief. When I came home tonight I wrote this. I know it's long, but the subject is one that takes more than a verse or two to encompass. I am pretty sure that it doesn't do anyone's feelings, at that moment in time, justice. I thought that this would be a more appropriate place to share this.

Grief

 

Talking to a widow today

And grief came to us both

We shared the story of our loss

Our tears running down our faces

 

She said to me words cannot describe

That awful moment of loss

The instant between life and death

When life once there is gone

 

I thought a lot about her words

As I walked home tonight

While I walked I pondered

Got home and started to write

 

Knowing that Death is standing there

In the corner of the room

Watching and waiting to take

Your loved one home again

 

It haunts your actions, words and dreams

As you sit in silence beside the bed

Hearing those last quiet breaths

Fear builds within your breast

 

The lights are dimmed

My eyes are dry

My heart drumming hard with fear

As I watch and I wait

 

The knowing and the waiting

Have stretched my nerves out tight

My throat full of lumps

My hands like ice

 

Then in an instant it’s over

You are no longer there

I do not cry cannot cry

My heart in scattered pieces

 

I sit beside you and I look

The peace upon your face

The lines of pain are gone

You look young again

 

My eyes are burning

My stomach is churning

I do not know why

But I still cannot cry

 

That instant in time

Is captured on my memory

The overwhelming grief

And I could not cry

 

The grey of fog descended

And covered my mind that day

Dulling the sharpness of pain

I still could not cry for you

 

For days that fog just sat there

The funeral and Christmas too

Dry eyed I walked

And still could not cry for you

 

The tears came on New Years Day

I thought they’d never stop

Gut wrenching sobs

From a place so deep

 

It hit me then you were not coming home

From where ever that you’d gone too

Never again to see your face

To hold you in my arms

 

The tears flowed on through day and night

Pushing me to the floor

Alone I sat and wept for you

For a love now gone

 

As the weeks rolled by I cried less

I wanted more you see

Depression took hold

Medication they gave to me

 

I took their pills every day

For quite some time to come

Then sat and thought about it

Why was I doing this?

 

 I thought about the reasons

I thought about your death

I knew I was not feeling grief

The pills were masking it

 

To move beyond the grief

I needed to feel it there

I decided that day

To throw them away

 

It took three weeks

For them to get out of my system

For me to feel again

The pain in my heart

 

From February to August

I felt no grief at all

The pills dulled all thought

I could not grieve at all

 

I look back now on those awful months

Where feeling fled from me

I know that just for once I’m right

The pills were not for me

 

Soft tears I cry now

Gentle as spring rain

The grief it is still there

I think it will always be

 

I talk to you often in my mind

Of the things I always shared with you

I miss hearing your response

I know I never will

 

Gentle tears fell today

As I told you of my day

I talk to you as I always did

I probably always will

 

The waves of grief come slower now

Past the one year mark

They have not gone though

They wash over me now and then

 

The days are hard when the waves break

When the pain renews again

When sorrow overwhelms me

And my heart breaks anew.

 

These words though cannot describe

The grief and loss I’ve felt

They can only do as substitutes

For the words that will not come

 

My friend was right you see

Words cannot describe this grief

From the instant of death until now

No words can find the depth.

DM MILLEN 28/04/12