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There's a comedy called Groundhog Day with Bill Murray where he's forced to live the same day over and over again. I feel like the same thing is happening to me, and it isn't funny. The days are flying by and I'm standing still. I almost forgot to change my calendar. It's like I'm in some sort of time warp. I'm just going through the motions and barely doing that. At least I did laundry today, though. That was a good thing. I'm trying to take it one day at a time as someone suggested, but the days are a blur. There's been times when I don't even know what day of the week it is. At first I was busy handling things like closing accounts and all, but now that that's done I'm wondering what should I do with myself now? I even put my resume back out there and went on a couple of interviews, but I know going back to work isn't what I really want. I had been wanting to fully retire by now, with my husband back to health, and going on road trips like the good old days. But now everything is up in the air.

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Comment by Rommie on February 26, 2017 at 3:56pm
Groundhog Day has a certain thread in ny experience, also. My husband watched that movie dozens of times during the last year of his life. I didn't question it at the time, we both were the type to get hung up on old movies.
I was unable to watch his favorite mivies for quite a while after losing him to suicide. I finally got angry at myself for avoiding the movies he'd liked, since some were my favorites, too.
I started with Groundhog Day. I shut it off halfway through. I hadn't understood until then just why he'd watched it so much. Bill Murray commits suicide at least a dozen times, trying to escape the loop he is locked into. I was horrified that I'd missed that.
After 16 months without him, my days are often undifferentiated, but it could be worse. I guess I've been waiting for the sun to come out, so my soul could bloom and my heart float free like a butterfly.
May it happen soon for us all.
Comment by Hope on February 6, 2017 at 6:38am

I so understand. The irony is I actually moved to a large apartment with big windows that look out on the Woodstock Illinois square. This is actually where Ground Hog Day was filmed. I look out on the gazebo where Bill Murray talked about the celebration and out my other window is the Tip Top Café.(not called that). I feel so much like you living in ground hog day. Every day I try to talk myself up. I am doing volunteer work and I see friends, grief therapy, book club, ...the whole nine yards but I feel empty inside. Its been 20 months. I had retired 10 days before he died. We too were looking forward to road trips and lots of good times for our golden years. Trying to adjust has been so painful. I hope you find peace along the way. There are some days when I am distracted but its always lying there under the surface. I miss him and my old life so much

Comment by gary32-0 on February 6, 2017 at 5:10am

Sorry to hear about the counselor problem. I find the smallest aggravations in life set me off now. But when I am angry or grieving at least I am feeling real emotions and not just going through the motions of life.  Too often I feel like I am pretending at living. Looks good on the outside to everyone else, but is empty on the inside. The brief moments of engagement in life drive home the emptiness of reality.

Comment by sunshine on February 5, 2017 at 8:40pm

Ground Hogs day was my birthday too.  I overslept.  I was groggy and dazed for more than half the day... before realizing I had to get myself dressed and go see people.  I don't know how that affects the weather lol... but I do know I too feel the time warp.. day after day.. repeating itself.  I literally am so visually and emotionally aware when I wake, and walk into our kitchen, every morning, that those steps feel like I am truly living that "movie".   There are days I have to leave the house and show up somewhere else.   (so that is the minor break in my routines)   But when here at home.. where I do not want to be... I am stuck.   I must somehow stop the cycle of repeating my steps, and really get back to action, on the major tasks at hand... as if I don't do soon, there will come a day, that I wont be prepared, and still yet, have to handle the paperwork and belongings, ready or not..  and "the not ready", will just lead to other actions being taken...

I am definitely not in best of form tonite... I've rarely participated, commented online here since joining several weeks ago.. and now I show up, and do so, when I've been "set off" from a prior event tonite... ie recd email back from grief counselor where I had 2 sessions left, and had requested to schedule the next appt... to only find out she canceled out the account, so I have to call the insurance company back for a new referral first.  I am livid.

Comment by gary32-0 on February 5, 2017 at 7:45pm

I understand feeling like life is repeating itself in an endless loop.  Groundhog Day is my birthday and this year the day I was going to fully retire and we were off on the next great adventure.  We were travelers and had a beautiful next phase of life planned. Now work provides a structure and some interaction with the world.  So I my retirement plans are on indefinite hold, seemingly along with much else in life.  So for now I get through the days and begin to look for other things to fill time. I wish you well.

 

Comment by spiritual dragonfly (Linda) on February 2, 2017 at 5:10pm
I don't really follow the calendar...I count the days since he's been gone...and fully understand the blur

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