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I was determined I wasn't going to call myself a widow.

I hated that word.  Widows are usually portrayed as old women.  The scary house down the street.  The widow lives there.  The crazy cat lady.  Her husband died leaving her a widow.  I'm not old.  I'm definitely not a crazy cat lady, at least not yet.  But I never realized one word could make me feel so powerless.  I wasn't going to be a widow.  I wasn't going to allow that word to control me.  It is WHAT I am not WHO I am.

 

Now, almost a year after Patrick died, I have embraced the term widow and I wear it with pride.

 

I no longer feel powerless.  I no longer fear that word, and I no longer cringe when someone refers to me at a widow.

Being a widow is about strength.  About learning who you are when your world is crumbling around you.  Learning what you are made of.

 

Being a widow means learning to stand on your own.  Learning to function as a whole again instead of  something ripped in half.

 

Being a widow is like a battle scare.  I've been through hell and back and have risen from it.  I am no longer the person I was a year ago.  There is a large scar on my heart.  It will always be there, always be a reminder of who I once was and what I have lost.

 

 

I still have my good days and my bad days.  And the weirdest things make me cry without any notice.  This isn't an easy process and not something I can "get over" or move forward from in the blink of an eye.  I am learning day by day, and that's all I can expect from myself.

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Comment by Morgana (Janet) on March 29, 2013 at 5:54am

Beautifully said Sam.

Comment by Magee77 on March 29, 2013 at 3:23am

You wrote my thoughts...thank you.  Beautifully put!!!  Being a young widow is one unique journey...we must all believe that we will rise from the depths and these depths will only strength us.  Stay strong.

Comment by missinghugs (fran) on March 29, 2013 at 3:13am

Sam....this lifted me up this morning.  I need to be stronger.   Thank you.

Comment by only1sue on March 28, 2013 at 9:33pm

When I am introduced to someone at church I say that I was "recently widowed but before that I looked after my husband".  That is enough explanation for most people.  I then ask after their family etc. I think if you say things lightly it is not so scary for others either.

Glad to hear you are seeing your own strength reappearing now and learning day by day.

Comment by onmyown on March 28, 2013 at 9:24pm

Sam,

Wear it proudly. You are in the trenches, daily. You are so right to not let it define you, at least by so called "traditional" views. Instead it proves you have strength and courage beyond most.  

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