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I am not in a good mood today, so I apologize in advance! May 14th would have been our 1 year anniversary, May 19th was one year since he passed away. I did very well that week, I think. Saturday was a perfect day, no tears, no sadness. I have been venturing out in the dating world again, and did have plans that evening to go downtown and watch some fireworks and hear some music for our city fest, so I'm sure that helped the mood. I did not want to sit around all day mopy and depressed, I am still here, still alive and I want to make the best of it.
We started the day with an event for the kids in our town where they explore and see the different types of work vehicles, they enjoyed that. We then went to lunch, had naptime and then headed to the park for a balloon release. We went to the park that Tj loved, in fact he took the children every Monday. We had a nice small gathering of family and a few friends and it was great. Most people had other things to do that day, which I expected. It is what it is. Hurts that it wasn't a priority to everyone, but hey that is life I guess. We then went to dinner at his favorite resturant and that was that. I was very happy with the day and how it turned out. I got the kids home, bathed, and in bed and I headed downtown for music and fireworks. Not sure that day could have been better.
Today however has been bad. There is a girl that I do not care for one bit, that was, according to her, a very important part of his life. I never met her in the 11 months we were together. I met her on the day of his funeral, and this is how:
A family member came to me and said that a picture was in the casket with him, very upfront and center. Almost looking like it was him and his wife (since most people there had not met me yet, we had only been married 5 days!) I had it removed right away and found it was a picture of him and this girl. I was instantly pissed. Who does that?? Who goes to a funeral of a man with a wife and a family and put a picture of you and him in the casket without asking first?! That is so rude! She then came up to me and crying said that Tj and her were best friends, and he was her soulmate, and bullshit after bullshit. I tuned her out at that point, didn't care to hear a word from her. I never heard her name, or anything in the time we were together, so to me she didn't matter. Mind you my husband chose to end his life, he chose that because he must have felt alone, deperate, idk. Anyways, these "friends" of his were no where, they weren't there when we told everyone we were pregnant, they weren't there on our wedding, but I'll be damned if they didn't show up within seconds of him passing away, that pisses me off. See I have childhood friends, I have friends I've made as adults, and in my opinion if you can't be by my side at the great times in my life, don't come to my funeral. Don't cry and whine about how much you miss me, when you were never there when my life was good/bad. She spoke at the funeral, which I was also not happy about. And I never saw or heard from her since.
Well in the great world of Facebook, I have to see her page, brought on by myself, because I go to it. She is not on my page. And she posts pictures of him, and sayings, and all kinds of crap. She is also in good with his Birth mother and sister, who I have also not seen since right after he passed. His birth mother is a whole nother topic. Well it seems like the 3 of them get together and whine and mope about how much they miss tj and want him here and crap. And how hard this year has been for them, and how their lives were turned upside down. Really?!?! Because if I do recall correctly and I am sure that I do! Vicki, birth mom, never met me in the 11 months we were together, because she could care less about our child that I was pregnant with (her words) Vicki also did the headstone on her own without advice from his father, sister, or brother. She did what SHE wanted, which meant loving husband stayed off the headstone. It just says beloved father and son. Yes she did that intentionally, because she is an evil woman. And Morgan, I have never had so much as a phone call, email, or letter from to see how Caleb and I are doing, or anything. So how exactly are you so close to someone that when they pass you don't even think about their family/children that are left behind? Explain that to me. And also your world was flipped upside down. Hmmm ok, so you lost your house a week later? No. Gave birth 6 weeks premature due to stress? No. Had a baby fighting to breathe for 2 weeks in the NICU? No. Had all of your belongings put into storage for 6 months? No. Had to sort through your husbands stuff that he left behind? No. Had to deal with the crap he left undone? No. Had to move in with your parents with 4 children? No. Had to to give up custody to two of your children because you couldn't handle everything? No. So please tell me, how your life has been flipped upside down? Because I sure as hell thought mine was, but maybe I was wrong.
I am just so mad at them today, and at him. I hate him today. Suicide is the one thing I will never understand. To me, I honestly believe he did not love me or care for me, if he did he would not have done what he did. He would have just walked away. What a coward. What an idiot. Who leaves their pregnant wife, and three step children, and son? Who chokes themselves until they pass out because they can't face their problems? I just hate it, I hate it.
I have been so happy with my life and the way my life has been lately and the person I am becoming. Maybe that's why I feel like this, guilt? I don't know. I just know that my life is better then it would be if he was here. I have happiness that I haven't had before, and freedom. I just wish that all the feelings I had for him went when he did, because I don't want them anymore. I hate that I was so blinded to who he really was.