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Today would have been our 11th Anniversary.  I've been dreading this day all month.  My emotions have been all over the place.  The incredible sadness followed by the bittersweet joy of memories.  The guilt.of...what ~  I'm not sure.  The Love that still lingers... If I had know our times would be our last..I would have hugged them a little tighter..Loved them so much longer.  This is my 3rd Anniversary without him.  I like to think I'm making incredible progress being on my own.  But my steps forward are short.  I miss him..with a longing in my heart that I feel from top to bottom.  I ask myself will it ever go away?  The incredible feeling of loss?  Probably not..but I will learn to live with it as a small deep ache that pokes me every now and then instead of washing over me in waves.  I hope to love again.  That terrifies me..that getting to know someone on that level again.  But I do...Life is meant to Lived and Loved.  I will hold my Love for my Lost One like a badge of Honor.. as I carry on and Live. 

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Comment by Steve on October 7, 2018 at 9:23am

Hi RKay

Thanks for your post, so sorry for your loss.  I understand your thoughts and feelings you share here.  I’m coming up on my 40th anniversary date, and my 10th year anniversary of being a widower.  

Life has gotten easier in some ways, I certainly have moved on, taken life by the horns and lived it as best I can.  I’m proud of a bunch of my accomplishments since Mikes passing.  For me, I hermitized and hid in my bedroom for First 3 yrs, but at the tail end of my 3rd year, I started to feel stronger, started to want a life again, dreamed of a day of happiness again.  

i was the homemaker/nurturer role in our life mostly, never really had a career, but filled in with little jobs throughout the years when we needed it, Mike was breadwinner in our life.  So when he passed at 50, I was 46, I had to figure out what I was going to do to make a living to support myself, in a very expensive San Diego.  Had no idea what I would do.  

Luckily, I found something I love, and over the past years, it’s developed into a career that I love, and I make a very nice living for myself.  My father was diagnosed with dimensia in my 4th year into widowhood, and I then discovered quickly, I had to take over my parents lives, so I took on both my parents care, until my dads passing in 2016, and I still currently have mom with me.  Unfortunately, I have no siblings, or family here in California, so it was all up to me.  

To my surprise, also in my 4th year, I fell in love again.  Although this new love relationship only lasted 4 years, I am grateful for the deep love I experienced and the knowledge i discovered, I am capable of loving someone again, so deeply.  I also discovered I’m a lot stronger than I thought, as sadly this new relationship went from wonderful, to hell very quickly in the last year, and I found I was so strong to end it, despite loving him so much.  

I still carry Mike in my heart daily, that has never stopped.  As a matter of fact, I had another visit, “hello” from him just about a week ago, just when I needed him, was having a very rough, dark night, alone grieving over Mike, and well as my last relationship, and Mike let me know he is still here.  It’s been years since I had such a strong message from him, I am truly grateful.  

I’m really trying not to dread the upcoming holiday season, as I find myself alone, again, for another one.  New Year’s Day has always been rough, since mikes passing, it was our commitment anniversary, so many, many wonderful memories, it was always so special for us, and we both kept it special every year.  

Please take care and hope something I have shared here, helps you in some way.


Comment by DIVA70 on September 26, 2018 at 9:30am

Happy Anniversary.....the guilt? I think that's a normal love was taken unexpectedly five months ago. I keep wondering if there was more I could have done.....he had been complaining of extreme fatigue but never missed a dialysis treatment....I took him to his primary doctor and several tests were conducted....we even saw two specialists the same week he collapsed and was admitted into the hospital....even the doctors in the hospital didn't foresee any major problems. One minute he called to let me know he would be released that day. 20 minutes later I received a call saying he had taken a turn for the worse. An hour later he was gone. I know in my heart I did everything I could humanly do but I still agonize over what if...… I'm glad you have not given up on the idea of finding love again. You appear too young to resign yourself to a life alone. My situation is different. I am over 70 and I had what few people experience.....a love that lasted over fifty years. For me my Tony was my first and will be my only true love and I am ok with that. I wish you well. You are right....Life is meant to live and love!

Comment by riet on September 25, 2018 at 11:31pm

The guilt ..  that is haunting me too. I did not hug him enough the night  he died.  But I didn't know that was coming.  I wished now I had held him in my arms then.   But I was busy turning him around and around to help him breathing. I didn't even see he had died.

And I am still so much in love with him. That will never change.  I just wished, those spinning thoughts about that night went away. Because I really did what I could. If only I could hug him again and again now.

dear Rkay, I wish you a very happy Anniversary

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