A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Happy Birthday, have a good day but don't share your feelings with me...
What about me? What about my grief? Jeff and I were inseparable for 20 years but nothing, not a mention of how I might be feeling.
Jeff's brother Doug came over here on Friday expressing his concerns about my relationship (or lack of) with their dad and how he hoped his dad and I could talk things over. I told Doug about my birthday phone call and how his father is. I told Doug I understand that their dad doesn't know how to be any other way and when I talk about Jeff it is uncomfortable for him. I told Doug that where I am at right now with my grief and emotional state I needed to be around people that are supportive and compassionate and that sadly that is not their dad.
Just venting! I should make that my profile name.
Views: 97
Comment
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Comment by suebru (Sue) on August 6, 2012 at 10:17pm -
I ditto what Betty said below....
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Comment by topwag (Becky) on August 6, 2012 at 1:45pm -
I am sorry to say that I was one of those persons... I was ignorant and did not want to mention their name unless they brought it up... now it is me with the loss and I get it. I am willing to give them a pass because I did it. They mean well but do not KNOW what to do to make us feel better. My sister lost her 13 year old son by suicide and I did not want to stir up her grief by talking about him all the time. That was what she needed. I know that now having lost my spouse. So many regrets about that.
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Comment by Jerry on August 6, 2012 at 9:21am
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I believe that people try not to mention the name of the person that passed do so because they feel they will stir up our grief. I do have a few very close friends that will mention my wife's name. Maybe it is because they know me better . Actually when they do, it is usually in reference to something we all did together, so the memory is a happy one.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on August 6, 2012 at 8:25am -
I will never understand how people ignore or tiptoe around our losses. What especially gets to me is how sometimes it seems they go out of their way not to same the names of our spouses in conversation. Hugs to you, you have every right to feel how you feel, others be damned.
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Comment by LaurieR on August 6, 2012 at 1:17am -
Kate, Vent away
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 5, 2012 at 9:50pm -
Kate, I know what you mean. I've run across that with some of Pauls "friends" - and also others.I am fortunate in that his Mom and I have a great relationship..she loved him so and knows how much i loved him and how bad i am hurting. His Dad, if he were alive ..i would imagine would be very similar. Paul was also taught by his father not to show emotion, to be a "man"..to "man up"...etc., etc...i do think it may have something to do with the generation. He is so uncomfortable and has no clue what to say to you..so he changes the subject. Just know that..and try to care for yourself as best you can. ((Hugs))
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on August 5, 2012 at 6:58pm -
Our relationship is.. good. John didn't see his dad real often. His dad had left when John was a teen.. the oldest of 5.. no support ...nothing . John watched over the younger ones while his mom worked.. He & his dad made up and talked, but was not the closest. His half sister lives close to me. but I don't see her to often.The last time I was there.. she really broke down..and cried and I ended up consoling her.
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Comment by janet on August 5, 2012 at 6:38pm -
Kate, some people are uncomfortable with grief. Since I do not have any in laws to deal with I cannot even begin to understand or really know what to say. Hugs Kate and hopefully it will get easier for him and the others to talk with you.
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Some people are just built that way.it may be that they re uncomfortable facing you, and just want to change the subject and do so be resorting to small talk.
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Comment by Kate on August 5, 2012 at 4:45pm -
Hi Bonnie, yes very likely so, his dad is 74. Knowing that though doesn't make it any easier. I find myself keeping my feelings to myself around him and others in the family so as not to make THEM feel uncomfortable which leaves me feeling sad, mad, hurt... Jeff's dad did the same things as your FIL. Do you have a good relationship with you FIL?
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