Tomorrow is my birthday. It's also B's birthday. I'm turning 35. He would be 41. It was weird sharing my birthday with my husband. It's even more strange sharing it with my dead husband. I was hesitant to celebrate but decided to have a small gathering of close friends last night for dinner. It turned out to be a really fun night but today I feel overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with myself. I keep feeling like life has played some cruel joke on me. It will be one year soon and I still have moments of "how the hell did this happen?!" I wish he would hold for a little while and tell me that everything is going to okay.