Music has always played a huge roll in my life. Since birth I've had headphones on, even to the point where I hear music when there is none. There has always been a song for my mood. No matter how funky or blue, happy or melancholy I've always been able to find music that fits. However over the last few years especially I've found myself searching for something that's out of reach. Nothing makes me happy or soothes the mood. Nothing fits.
Love songs are just a painful reminder of what I've lost. Breakup songs just piss me off. Our relationship had not ended by choice, or by the mistakes either one of us made. Even the blues doesn't give me what I need, because now I judge the bluesman on his pain. Not fair, but that doesn't change how I feel.
Live music had always been a passion of ours. Our courtship began at a Def Leppard concert. Over the years we had been to more shows than I could count. A few stand out though. Vicky had always been such a huge Garth Brooks fan, she tried to drag me to a show 20 years ago. Not being much of a country fan at the time I declined. I did promise to take her next time. That turned out to be a year later, and again I declined. I felt bad about that for 20 years. The last few years Garth came back around, and even though we needed a wheelchair to get her there (she had battled cancer for 8 years) I finally took her.
If you've never heard "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, do yourself a favor and go listen. Bring some tissues, because it's bound to hit home. It's about being grateful for having had a good life together. It's about being glad you didn't know how things would end.
I count it among my favorite blessings, being able to hold her during that song. Got to do it twice, though I wish it were twenty times.
None of us can see the future. We couldn't before, and we won't after this. I wouldn't change a thing that we'd done. Not one thing. I hope to carry that mentality into the next chapter of my life. I hope I never question where or when things will ever end in the future. I trust and believe that God keeps a path clear for me, so long as I'm looking for it. I would hate to think what I'd have missed if I had avoided all the pain, as bad as it's been. I truly want to feel joy again. I know it may be years, but I can accept that. What I won't do is leave anything on the table. Vicky never did.