My name is Jay and I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Last November my wife Melanie lost her battle with uterine cancer. She left our world 10 days after our 19 wedding anniversary. I am now the single father of 3 boys 16, 14 and 12.
I have not written much (anything) on Willow Village yet but I have appreciated being able to read others thoughts. I was looking for some people to talk with who are going through the loss of their spouse. I have two friends who lost their wife more than 15 years ago. They have both been remarried for many years now. I go to a grief support group but again only one person who lost a spouse and all of her kids are my age. So it is nice to read about things I am thinking about and wondering about. I had asked several people about my wedding ring (that is still on my finger) and when I should take it off and what should I do with it when I do. I found a forum on Willow Village talking about this exact thing. The forum was going on for years. So, I am very thankful Willow Village.
I am still hurting a lot. I love being a father and love my boys very much but at the same time I hate being a single father. I miss Melanie so much. There are so many things I miss about her. All the big things like someone to hug and all the small things like having someone sitting next to me in the car, or at church or watching TV. I know I have a lot of healing to go but sometimes I think I will never feel Ok again.
Also lately I feel that many of my friendships are changing. Melanie and I were friends with lots of couples. Right after she passed away I felt like people were breaking down my door wanting to help. It was at times overwhelming. For example, so many people wanting to make us meals and when they did they would make enough for 10 people. They would say I should freeze the extra but my freeze was not that big. A friend was organizing the meals for us but some people would just show up with food even after I asked them to check first with my friend.
Now several months later I have asked for help from some people and they have promised me something but did not come through. Or I would call or email and ask them a question and they don’t respond. I see them at church and they don’t even say hi. Often when people ask how they can help, I say they could invite us for a meal. This way I don’t have to cook or clean up and we can have some time with friends instead of being home. Of the people I have said this to only one family has invited us over.
There are friends that are helping a lot and have really been there for me but it seems to be the same 5 families. What happened to all those people who want to help me back in November?
Sorry, I feel like all I have been doing is whining. But this is what I am feeling and dealing with today. I need to stop now as I need to try to get some sleep. (Yes I am still having trouble sleeping) I am not good (or fast) at writing so please forgive any bad spelling and stuff. I will try to share more soon.