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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Hello,

My name is Jay and I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Last November my wife Melanie lost her battle with uterine cancer. She left our world 10 days after our 19 wedding anniversary. I am now the single father of 3 boys 16, 14 and 12.

I have not written much (anything) on Willow Village yet but I have appreciated being able to read others thoughts. I was looking for some people to talk with who are going through the loss of their spouse. I have two friends who lost their wife more than 15 years ago. They have both been remarried for many years now.  I go to a grief support group but again only one person who lost a spouse and all of her kids are my age. So it is nice to read about things I am thinking about and wondering about. I had asked several people about my wedding ring (that is still on my finger) and when I should take it off and what should I do with it when I do. I found a forum on Willow Village talking about this exact thing. The forum was going on for years. So, I am very thankful Willow Village.

I am still hurting a lot. I love being a father and love my boys very much but at the same time I hate being a single father. I miss Melanie so much. There are so many things I miss about her. All the big things like someone to hug and all the small things like having someone sitting next to me in the car, or at church or watching TV.  I know I have a lot of healing to go but sometimes I think I will never feel Ok again.

Also lately I feel that many of my friendships are changing. Melanie and I were friends with lots of couples. Right after she passed away I felt like people were breaking down my door wanting to help. It was at times overwhelming. For example, so many people wanting to make us meals and when they did they would make enough for 10 people. They would say I should freeze the extra but my freeze was not that big. A friend was organizing the meals for us but some people would just show up with food even after I asked them to check first with my friend.

Now several months later I have asked for help from some people and they have promised me something but did not come through. Or I would call or email and ask them a question and they don’t respond. I see them at church and they don’t even say hi. Often when people ask how they can help, I say they could invite us for a meal. This way I don’t have to cook or clean up and we can have some time with friends instead of being home. Of the people I have said this to only one family has invited us over.

There are friends that are helping a lot and have really been there for me but it seems to be the same 5 families. What happened to all those people who want to help me back in November?

Sorry, I feel like all I have been doing is whining. But this is what I am feeling and dealing with today. I need to stop now as I need to try to get some sleep. (Yes I am still having trouble sleeping)  I am not good (or fast) at writing so please forgive any bad spelling and stuff. I will try to share more soon.

Good Night,

Jay

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Comment by Dfree on August 1, 2013 at 4:34am

Thanks for posting this.  I really helps me to hear that someone else is in a similar situation and feeling the same way. My husband David died on January 5th, 2013 and I miss him so much.  I am now the single parent of two boys -- ages 12 and 15.   I have had a similar experience with grief support groups and feeling like I am in a different place in life and am so far always the only one with kids at home (I also live in Philly).  I feel kind of lonely around my friends who are couples, which is almost all of them.  Seeing them makes me feel like what I have lost is right there in front of me. The need to constantly be there for the kids keeps me going, but it is also really grueling.  Recently I have started to feel a little better, a little more able to enjoy things I like.  Sending you good thoughts.  Debby

Comment by Patience (Diane) on July 29, 2013 at 6:58am

So sorry that you and your boys are going through this. Glad you have found widowed village.. there are some really good people here.. all willing to listen and share...   Sending good thoughts.. 

Comment by JPSwifeCathy on July 28, 2013 at 6:55am

Hi Jay:)

so very sorry for your LOSS of Melanie:( Love your profile pic---my FAITH is helping me thru this!

I'll write more later--got get ready for church!!   cathy

Comment by Joyce on July 28, 2013 at 4:53am

Welcome Jay to a club no one wants to belong to.   It's difficult enough losing our spouses but it's often surprising that we lose friends and even some family too.  You've come to the right place you'll get lots of support here and even if you don't chat or write, just reading can be so helpful.  

Comment by katjames on July 28, 2013 at 4:26am

Listening to your story Jay... it's so difficult.  This is such a nice community.  A community of people who understand and have traveled the same or similar road you are on.  We "get it" here and don't see you as whining... I am so sorry for your loss and pain.  It is very typical to have people fade away after the funeral.  I wish it weren't so, but hang on to and appreciate those who are helping and post often here!  You'll make it... it's hard, but you'll make it. 

Comment by Mstexan on July 27, 2013 at 9:16pm

Jay, so sorry for your loss and also the loss of your friends.  I hate to say this, but it is a frequent occurence.  I hope that  you can get some sleep, read some posts on Widowed Village and understand that everything you are going through, the rest of us have gone through, too.  We are all here for you, whether in your postings or if you want to try the chat feature.  I can say that everything here is a comfort to me.

 

Comment by Lori on July 27, 2013 at 7:10pm

Jay you have come to the right place if you'd like to chat got to the chat now and you can "talk to people live, many times people are here late at night when you can't sleep.  And for me i found a community of people that really did "get it" and i didn't feel so alone.  hope to meet you in chat some day. just dive in and introduce yourself.  Most don't spell well and typo's are the norm.  Welcome and  i'm so sorry for your loss.

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