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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Hi Lostandlonely,
I do have a suggestion. Try contacting Jennifer at the Heart Light Center in Denver CO,

Heartlight Center Inc., Grief Support in Denver Metro
https://www.heartlightcenter.org/ ; (720) 748-9908


When you reach Jennifer tell her where you are and that I suggested you call her. Ask her if she might have a suggestion for you for a Grief Group where you live or near by. With her professional connections I'm sure she knows someone.
Susan and I met on a blind date. She was going through a rough divorce, her fourth, and I had gone through my first. I was in the middle of a 9 month MED cruise aboard and Aircraft Carrier. She sent me a Dear John letter and that was followed soon by a telegram from a neighbor asking me when I would be picking up my two boys. Two years later I met Susan when I told a fellow sailor friend of mine that "the girls in the wave cage were looking interesting." He went home and talked with his wife who said she knew a gal in the accounting department where she worked. We went out as a foursome and I was smitten. Our date was on a Friday evening, and I found out that she had a son, Scott who was 11. I asked her if she would consider lunch with me aboard the ship and she said yes, and of course brought Scott.
I could go on for a series of books, but suffice to say that we blended nearly perfectly. We were married 35 years when she passed. When she passed, I lost my best friend, my lover, and the most wonderful person I've ever known. When she passed, it was like a bomb had gone off shattering me, my beliefs, my rock, and my life. Suddenly, I had to find "someone to take her." Fortunately a nurse suggested Science Care to me (we'd both agreed on cremation) and we had passed by one as we went to the bank and did shopping etc. So, that fell into place. Then all the notifications, not just family, but also the legal folks, banks, insurance, Social Security, etc. All during that time, it was winter, and at 10,000' elevation we get some real snow storms. I was crumbling in front of my two boys. Scott refused to come west from New Jersey saying he wanted to remember his mother the way she was the last time he saw her. "My" oldest, Chris had flown out that next day and he called his pastor who recommended the Heart Light Center. I called and talked with Jennifer and we spoke off and on until 3 months later I could get into Denver for a meeting.
In between her passing and my going to Grief Group meetings, I joined WV. The folks here have been terrific and with their support, encouragement, teasing, and an occasional boot in the butt, I survived.
Here we have folks who are newer than you in their journey and others that are years along. My background is in Geology and Philosophy and also Electronics. When I got smacked with her death and the terrible pain and aguish, I was thrown into that first Grief Group meeting.  I remember placing my right hand edgewise on my leg and saying "I just want to know when I can get from here (my left had on one side of my right) to the other side of my hand and out of this pain, anguish, and insecurity" After that I crumbled into crying and the group continued introducing themselves and how long it had been since their spouse passed. I'd dried my eyes and was listening when they got to gal across from me. She gave her name and said it had been 10 years. I fell against the person next to me and started crying again. I was looking for someone to say it will take 2 years for this 4 years for that. That was the science in me. I could not comprehend how I could possibly continue on that long this way.  Later that evening she came up to me and explained that she came to the meeting to offer encouragement to folks like me,  that at some point I could look back to those first days, weeks, months and even years, and realize how far I'd come.


Since each of us is different, with different marriages or partnerships, and different interplay between us, you can't give, or get, a definitive answer. The best thing you can do is join us here, write about your spouse, your love, how you blended, and use feelings in your descriptions. Write a Blog. Ask Questions. Chat with folks. We are all here to support. I remember asking one time, "when should I change the sheets on the bed?" The group gave me an answer I instantly hated. And, I kept hearing variations of the same thing..."Frank, you will know when it is time." That answer goes with so many of our questions, Take of your wedding band, sell the house or not, you name it we ask it. The answers from us will be suggestions, or what "they did" when faced with a similar problem or question, but in the end, something inside of you, some discontented feeling will arise and you will make a decision.

I won't say when I changed the bedding, they still had her perfume on them, but one day I got out of the shower and was teasing my two cats dripping water on them and I happened to look up at the bed, and it struck me "you cannot put this clean body into that bed." I changed the bedding and discovered the cats were making a game of getting in my way while doing it.
Hang in there Kid.  We are all here for the same reason.
((((HUGS))))
Frank

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Comment by Lostandlonely on March 14, 2019 at 5:13am

Frank, you are a very kind and generous man.  I have read about Heartlight Center in many of your posts and so hoped there would be a group like that near me.  Unfortunately I live in a very area rural area.  I have researched widows groups and the closest is 4 hours away.  The center in Denver sounds awesome but I am 5 hours away.  WV is really the only place I have, and I'm grateful for all the caring folks like you.  Thank you for your kindness.  Right now I don't know if I need a widows group or a mental clinic, but those are also hours away.  The depression and anxiety are my worst enemies in trying to move forward.  Those who don't suffer from these debilitating illnesses I do believe are better able to cope.  I pray to God to please release my tortured mind.  I was so strong with my husband by my side, I never thought I would be reduced to this weak, debilitated person.  I go on each day, and maybe someday my strength will return.  I thank you, my friend.

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