I having been thinking a lot lately, essential to who I am. Lately I cannot help but try and sort out my life as it is, and what it may look like in the future. For the last nearly two years, I struggled with what I thought was singular grief at the loss of my husband, the loss of our relationship and our future together. I came to realize that yes, that is the considerable cause of my sadness, but I came to another conclusion that may apply to others in my age group as well (born in the 50s).
I was young when my husband and I first formed our lives together. I lacked the skills and knowledge necessary to know myself in order to establish me first as a person, before committing myself as a member of a couple. I had always heard that you should love yourself before you are are truly capable of loving someone else. Though I knew there was obvious wisdom in that advice, I always ignored it thinking either a) I would acquire that self-sufficiency on the run, or b) I had enough to get me through. I needed to know I was worthy of love from someone else, but didn't know I was supposed to deem myself worthy of my own love.
Clearly, not only did I not know then, I don't know now. I am realizing a lot of the sadness and grief I am feeling is that I am a stranger to myself. I am starting from scratch to figure out who I am and to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I am cramming a lifetime of neglect into a mightly small time frame. So whatever means it is that I acquire the skills to recognize my goodness from within, I will be in full grief until then.