In less than a month I will be hitting the one year mark of losing my husband. I am a mix of emotions. I'm amazed that the year has gone so quickly and I accomplished the things I did, not because I was so motivated to do them but because they were a necessity. It saddens me that I had to make decisions on my own. Tom and I made decision about the house, a new car, kids, family, trips, money, even what to have for dinner, we made those decisions together. For the past year I have made those decisions on my own, and honestly I'm exhausted from decision making. I don't want to make these decisions alone, or on my own. I guess it doesn't matter what I want, because there is no option.
In some ways I feel that this whole past year I have been on auto-pilot. Take care of the kids, work, clean the house, do the laundry, survive the pandemic, rinse, and repeat. I find that what I truly want to do is lay in bed all day and cry and because I have the kids, work, dog, house, laundry. Maybe part of me is still in disbelief. He will just walk in the door and it will would all have been a bad dream. Maybe if I wish it real hard, it will actually have been a bad dream.
As his one year mark gets close and there are no other firsts I have to go through besides this upcoming one I find myself getting more depressed as the date approaches. This is all new to me, I don't know what I'm suppose to feel or be like or do on this date. I don't want to "celebrate" this date. I understand why people do celebrate that date, after all it could be a time to celebrate a life well lived. When my father died, who was 87 at the time we celebrated his life. He had a long, happy, full life, that's a life to celebrate. His death was expected, and actually at the end a relief because his quality of life was not wonderful. For my husband I don't want to celebrate his life, his life was cut way too short at 46. His life was barely getting to the good part, OUR life was barely getting to the good parts. Seeing our kids grow, have lives of their own, have families of their own, traveling, retiring, those were all the good parts and we will not be living and celebrating together. Thats what hurts the most. Now I will have to go through these times alone and know that we would have loved to see his kids graduate HS, and then college, and then watch them grow into the outstanding adults that they will become one day. I hurt for all the things he will miss. I hurt for all the times I will miss the good times with him.
I still don't understand why this is my new journey. Why God has decided that Toms journey had to end on August 2nd in the sense that is not physically here with us. Possibly I will never understand, possibly in time I will. If nothing else, I have time.