I have realized that I have been trying to find words to use that do not cause anyone pain or hardship. I have been trying to hold all my emotions in except in the early morning hours and late nights when I close myself off. Do you know how uncomfortable people become, even close family and friends, when you show your grief to them? I'm sure you do. I try so hard not to cause anyone pain or grief from my pain and grief. I made most of my family and friends stay away by using kind words. I couldn't face anyone or speak to them on the phone because I didn't want them to become sad or depressed. I didn't allow anyone to help me or care for me. That was after all, my husband's job, but he is gone now. There's no one else in this world that could be here for me as he always was. My husband helped me through some of the toughest times in my life: My brother's death, my oldest son's death, but not his death.
Some days I feel as if a heart attack will occur but I welcome it if it does occur. The grief is more than I can bear many days but many don't know. I put on my mask and go through the day after I pray and grieve for a few hours alone in the early hours in the dark.
Where is my future and why is it so blank and empty? I can no longer see into my future. I no longer look for a future. It's all gone and empty and blank.