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Holding back the Sorrow and Pain so others don't feel it too

I have realized that I have been trying to find words to use that do not cause anyone pain or hardship. I have been trying to hold all my emotions in except in the early morning hours and late nights when I close myself off. Do you know how uncomfortable people become, even close family and friends, when you show your grief to them? I'm sure you do. I try so hard not to cause anyone pain or grief from my pain and grief. I made most of my family and friends stay away by using kind words. I couldn't face anyone or speak to them on the phone because I didn't want them to become sad or depressed. I didn't allow anyone to help me or care for me. That was after all, my husband's job, but he is gone now. There's no one else in this world that could be here for me as he always was. My husband helped me through some of the toughest times in my life: My brother's death, my oldest son's death, but not his death. 

Some days I feel as if a heart attack will occur but I welcome it if it does occur. The grief is more than I can bear many days but many don't know. I put on my mask and go through the day after I pray and grieve for a few hours alone in the early hours in the dark. 

Where is my future and why is it so blank and empty? I can no longer see into my future. I no longer look for a future. It's all gone and empty and blank. 

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Comment by DIVA70 on September 18, 2019 at 12:31pm

Thank you Kevin....when I read your poem it was comforting to know that someone else understood what I have been trying so hard to express to my family and friends. I don't look forward to tomorrow in the same way as I did when my Tony was alive. I too would rather have yesterday back. People are always asking what are your plans for the future and they look at me strangely when I say all my plans for the future evaporated on April 29,2018. Our anniversary is coming up on November 21st. It would have been our 49th birthday. I already know when I visit his gravesite and play our favorite songs I will also recite your poem. Again thank you and God bless.(By  the way, our oldest son's name is Kevin)

Comment by AandC on September 18, 2019 at 9:10am

Kevin

That poem you wrote was beautiful and fits the situation greatly. Thank you for sharing. :)

Comment by Kevin on September 18, 2019 at 6:16am

i read your message and wept,after almost 9 years of Lee being gone i still feel like that,over the years i've put my feelings into words to help me get through the pain and when your post it reminded me of something i wrote,                                                                                              Today,Tomorrow,Yesterday

We fell asleep yesterday dreaming of a better tomorrow
Today I wake up alone filled with despair and sorrow
Yesterday is a day where I'd rather be 
It was a time of happiness when she was here with me
My tomorrows are days I'll mostly face alone
The dreams we had yesterday are all dead and gone
Today as I think about my future plans
I'd be happier in yesterday, with her, just holding hands
We vowed to love each other,come what may
But today is not the tomorrow we dreamed about yesterday
In memory of
Janet "Lee" 
7/18/64-10/29/2010
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 14, 2019 at 9:15am

AandC,

Three deaths in a short time is enough reason for complicated grief. You may want to consider visiting a mental health GRIEF therapist for an evaluation. Complicated grief does not get better on its own like normal grief ...

During the course of Talk Therapy, the first indications of having normal grief is when socializing & making new friends are suggested like the many that can be found on the internet. 

Hugs, take care of yourself ...

Comment by Bobbysgirl on September 14, 2019 at 5:04am

Cat I agree with you about men in our age group looking to meet someone. In my experience most of them want someone to take care of them. I was a caretaker for Bob for years and I could never go through that experience again. I have helped people temporarily but I would never let care taking become my life again. I loved my husband and shared many years of good times with him and when life turned downhill for him I willingly did all I could for him. I am in good health but accept the fact my time and energy are limited. I have good relationships with my sons. I personally would not want to get involved with other people who could have family issues. We are feel differently.and I wish the people who are looking for someone well. Peace to all.

Comment by Cat on September 13, 2019 at 6:39pm

Suzanne, I totally disagree with laurajay. There are plenty of men on the dating site Ourtime in their late 70's and 80 years old that are lonely and looking to meet someone. So if that's what you want to do, GO FOR IT!! There are couples in their 80's and 90's falling in love and getting married, NEVER too late!! If you are lonely and want to meet someone, then that is what YOU should do!  Good Luck dear

Comment by laurajay on September 13, 2019 at 7:53am

Suzanne.  Realistically,  it's not  likely that at age 79  when  you do not get  out much and have not dated in the 10 yrs you've been  widowed that you would  find a 'kind  lover"  or  any  kind of lover  now.  It's  not  you  but most men  if they  are  alive at 80  are  married  or old bachelors and I'm guessing  being "lovers"  in pretty much  in  their  past.  It is lonely  being  widowed  and lonelier  still  past  70  yr.    You have to find  things to do  or places to  visit  where  there  are  people your  age. Do  you  have  a senior  center  near you?  or a  church  where seniors  do  things  together? Any older  friends  you  can  dine with  or take in a movie  or a concert?  If  you are not comfortable  alone  I don't  know of a solution  except  to  try  it alone in hopes you will meet others who  need  company.  As for dating...forget  that for  now  just  try  to  be around  people when  you can and enjoy- anyone you meet  that is pleasant...Finding  something  that  interests  you  and distracts  you  from  your loneliness is one place  to  start.  A  new  hobby?  a  new  pet?  etc  sorry you  are going through  this right  now.  Take  baby  steps  going  out  even  to  shop  and  fine a pastime  that  brings you  joy  since  men at 80  are  not  easy to come  by.   No one comes calling so  you  are left  getting  your feet  wet  and reaching  out wherever  you can to  men, women  or both... Pills  pacify but are  not a cure.  One more  thing,  try  volunteering anywhere....lots of  lonely, sick, poor  people  could  use  your  kindness  and a hand to  hold to  know someone cares.  We  need  to  give of what we want most  in order  to  have  it  come into  our lives... or  so  they  say..   cyber  hugs  to  you...   laurajay

Comment by AandC on September 13, 2019 at 5:21am

((Hugs back SweetMelissa2007))

Grieving is so exhausting. I wake up every morning with the deep sorrow and pain. I just don't know which way to turn or the path I should be taking. I just can't seem to figure it out. My outlook on life has been altered forever. The past few days have been harder on me than last week. Maybe reality is really sinking in. I really have no idea. My mind does not react quite like it used to. It's a fog and I remember or hear what people have said days later...if that makes any sense. 

I lost my brother in 2015 and my oldest son in 2016. Now, I lost my husband in 2019. My husband always helped me through anything and everything. Just his touch, his hug, his voice could make me feel at ease. But now, he is gone. Who is supposed to help me through this? 

I thank you for your support and wisdom. I read your comment a few times, and I did laugh a little about the newspaper. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 12, 2019 at 8:05pm

(((Hugs AandC)))
You are so new & so raw - it will take time to be able to function as well as the feeling like you're about to have a heart attack to end (which is a panic/anxiety attack). Convalesce as long as you feel you need to, your mental & physical health are most important at this time. There is no rush, the world will still be out there rotating on its axis. It's okay to use email to let others know you are still alive & whatever else. Personally, my brain was so pre-occupied w/processing my grief & worrying about the grief of my own kids that I could not be distracted from it in thinking of anything other than getting on w/it. I also did not have any words, I couldn't speak much nor comprehend what others were saying. I was experiencing trauma from my husband's death by a roadrage driver - a sudden unnatural death. Most importantly, I did not want to hear anything they had to say, it was draining ...

Socializing is recommended for those w/normal grief as well as when ready. I pretty much stayed in my cocoon for a couple years leaving my home only for the kid's activities, our counseling, grocery shopping &/or when out of toilet paper - kids would not use newspaper! ;-)
At this time, it is difficult to imagine the suffering of others who also lost a loved one - a calexis - a special someone s/he was not married to. However, you will come to find there are more people in this world you will be able to relate to & with. Love & loss are powerful emotions that can kill. Debbie Reynolds died suddenly the day after Carrie Fisher's death, her daughter. There are those who say losing a child is worse than the death of a spouse & vice versa. My cousin lost her young son first, then husband (his father) 10 years later. She still says her son's death was harder. Compassion for others can keep the grieving from feeling alone &/or isolated ...
Take care of yourself & do not worry about others ...

Comment by Bobbysgirl on September 12, 2019 at 6:42pm

Suzanne, I am 80 lost my husband 6 years ago. I go to social events alone. I find it is better than always sitting alone at home. Try getting involved in things that you enjoy. I find most people in our age range seek to make new friends. I joined a Y and take yoga, Tai Chi and cardio classes. I also joined a 55+ club.It is a good way to meet new people.

Bob and I cruised for many years. Since he passed I have cruised solo. At first it was difficult, but now I am comfortable with it. Of course it is not the same. I miss him everyday. I always wear his wedding ring. I have met several nice men, but I have no desire to date. I just try to form friendships. I encourage you to check out senior activities in your area. It is worth the effort. I wish you well. Peace to all.

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