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How am I supposed to have fun/enjoy life?

Since my wife has died (I hate saying that), I am not sure I will ever enjoy life again. It is still really early for me (almost 11 weeks), so I know that this is expected. I suppose I relied on her to much for my happiness? Since she has left this world, my happiness has left this world with her. I have 2 daughters, and I always enjoy being with them, but now there is a piece missing. It is a really big piece, life is not complete. I feel that I took it all for granted, I thought I would always have her. We had alot of fun times together, we did alot of stuff, but I feel I put things off for later. Now I have regrets, I wish we would have done this, and I wish we would have done that. She was always the type of person who lived like it was her last day. I wish I could have been like that. I try to get out of the house and do something fun, but I just can't seem to find the fun in it. Today, we went to the mountains, it was nice outside. It shoul have been a great day, but I constantly think of her. If i go somewhere, or do something, it brings memories of her. If it is something without a memory attached, I think how much she would have enjoyed this. I just don't know how to live, and have fun without her. The way I feel now, I never will. Is this my future? A life of sadness, a life of aloneness? Is this my sentence for loving her so much? Do I need to break down and get some meds from the doctor? I have tried the first 9 weeks with nothing, the last week I tryed St. Johns Wort, a natural remedy. But, it does not seem to be helping. I know the only person who could help me get through this is her, and she's not here. We were supposed to always be there for each other! I hate to get on meds, because I worry about my girls. Also, I don't want to be dependant on them. But, at the same time, I don't want to feel like this! I know I have to be here for my girls, and I need to be better so they can be better. I'm just not sure how to go about it, I am lost and confused without her!

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Comment by Jerry on March 28, 2013 at 3:04pm
Jake,it's been over 3 years that my wife is gone and I still miss her terribly. When things are going well I feel guilty. A few weeks ago I too my grandchildren to a movie. As I sat next to them, watching them laugh it brought a tear to my eyes,I was thinking about what their grandmother was missing out on, and how much they were missing not having her in their lives. I agree about the drug thing,but do know that natural supplements take about 6 weeks to,take affect, so give them more time. For me even though i still grieve, the days are seeming to get better. Just give your self all the time you need.
Comment by john on March 23, 2013 at 4:12pm

Jake what you have just wrote echoes everything in my heart and how im feeling about the loss of my partner its  been 12 weeks and it is early days for us , be kind to your self ,thoughts and prayers

Comment by onmyown on March 23, 2013 at 3:49pm

Jake, I agree with everyone' post. It is still so early. Go though the pain. Be kind to yourself. You will live your life eventually for you, your daughers and your wife. I like to think we take my husband with us on our adventures. I also have two children. In some ways they pushed me out the door. They had lost so much and I did not want them to lose more. I am almost at three years. You will feel normal again. My thouughts and prayers are with you.

Comment by Eileen on March 23, 2013 at 2:48pm

I highly recommend any grief group/counseling available. I found it exquisitely painful to do anything with my boys at first.  Each time softened and support can help.  I also wrote and wrote - just short pieces about my experiences, wrote letters to him, all of it helped.  I still remember crying while getting the car from the garage the first time....his absence was a constant presence.  Get any help you think you need. You are not alone.

Comment by jean on March 21, 2013 at 8:55am

Oh Jake... everything you are going through right now is normal... nothing will take this away, drugs or no drugs, these feeling have to run their course.. I love Kim's way of dealing with this, excercise.. also, forcing yourself out of the house helps... keep forcing, don't let yourself hole up in the house for long.

The only thing that worked for me was time.... I'm a little over 2 years out now and it's better. ((hugs)) all I could do was remind myself to breathe in the beginning months.. one step, one day at a time. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done so far. Hoping it's the last, but life isn't like that is it?

eleven weeks is nothing Jake... I wanted to rush it too but rushing it doens't work either.. you just get thrown to the ground again in a while. Walk through the pain and you will get to the other side. This side doesn't feel as great as I hoped, but I found joy in things again. Took me a long time, but it's happening. :)

Hope...keep the hope that "this too shall pass"

Comment by kimkirt (KK) on March 21, 2013 at 8:08am

Jake, you are still so early out and in the fog. When my husband first passed I was so lost as well, and my son was 10. I, like you, did not want to get on meds so I started exercising. It helped me with my mood and I was able to get through some rough times by doing that. But everyone is different. I did go to counseling and asked my counselor how do I live and grieve at the same time? I didn't and still don't want to miss out on my son's youth. He said by getting out and doing, even if it is hard. And it WAS hard, some things still are, but I don't let it keep me at home. I do as much as I can with my son, yes there are pangs and heart punches, but there have been fun times as well. The first movie without my husband was awful, and I cried through the whole movie (luckily it was a loud action flick so my son didn't know I was crying), then I thought when the new Batman movie came out that would be SO hard, because my husband loved Batman movies, I took my son and for some reason my son was just a chatterbox through that movie and we ended up having the best time at that movie! I still think about that in amazement, that how could something I thought was going to be hard, turned out to be fun. Guess my husband had his hands on our shoulders and made sure we had a good time.  The most we can remember to do at times is just to breathe, one moment at a time, one hour, one day. Hugs!

Comment by Maria Louisa on March 19, 2013 at 7:45pm

I understand - i the early months the only way i could describe it is to say that my heart was now in heaven = but my duty was still here on earth... Everything in town reminded me of him, so I barely went to town - in the fist 6 months. I am now trying to change all that. My heat is still his and God's    there is a spiritual joy that can come in a lift you up and help you get through... I still have cried almost every day - but something is shifting, I believe... Today has been a better day. And we will see our beloveds again...

Comment by kotkandi on March 19, 2013 at 7:39pm

Tomarrow will be 8 weeks for me. I did go to the doctor and got some meds for sleeping and something else for nerves. It has been helping me. Im having trouble having any fun without my husband as well but now I think to myself instead of Barry would really like this, I say to myself that Barry would really like it that im doing this. Does that make any sense?

Comment by Mstexan on March 19, 2013 at 7:37pm

Jake, you are so new in  your journey.  Sometimes, even though it's hard to hear, time is the major thing here -- time to accept your loss, time to have time with your children, family, and mostly yourself.  It can't hurt to talk to a doctor about an anti-depressant or anxiety medication.  I tried an anti-depressant, I didn't like it, but I do have anti-anxiety medication on hand when I have stressful issues.  I don't take it often, but I do when I know I'll experience anxiety in a certain situation. 

 

The main thing is...take care of yourself.  You must take care of yourself so you can care for your baby girls.  Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are sometimes needed and help a lot.  Talk to your doctor or if you are seeing a psychologist, talk to them.

 

My hopes and prayers are with you...

 

Cathy

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