What changes relationships when you loose your spouse? Couples, singles and family that have been in our lives for decades or since birth seem to think Frankie's death ended my long time relationship with them. I don't get it. When I call them or pass them in an aisle at the market they simply say "how are you doing?". Why do they ask? If they wanted to know they would call me or have invited me to that lunch where the topic was "I wonder how Annie's doing". It is by chance that we meet face to face and they use that saddened head tilt and ask how I'm doing. Knowing that it would cause them discomfort I lie and say I'm doing fine. I'm six months out and it isn't getting better and I'm not doing fine.
I was crying less four months out but I was faced with making a life change by deciding to downsize my life and move. That was not one of my best decisions but one that was required. It's been a difficult process. Moving from 1900sf to a tiny 900sf townhouse makes it more difficult. Last week I was forced to tackle the dreaded job of packing up Frankie's closet. I managed to get through 75% of his clothing and immediately dropped them off at my favorite second hand store. I felt good, I was making progress. Today I finished the remaining clothing, hats, personal stuff, throw out greeting cards...you know the drill. I'm a mess. I called my youngest daughter for support. Her response was, "you will feel better in your new place". Really? How does she know when I will feel better? Does she have a crystal ball or a magical calendar that says when mom will be okay? Oh my, it's daunting. Two of the other kids haven't spoke to me in months. I Skype with my daughter in Amsterdam on Sunday's and she gets it...but she's not here.
I do want to adjust to this empty feeling. I want to cry less. I want to become social again. Most of all I want to feel normal.
I love you Frankie baby and wherever I go you will follow. You are my love, my rock, my soulmate and my best friend xoxoxoxo! Until we meet again......