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How?
It's past 1 am, and I'm not able to sleep. It used to be that at 11 pm I was passed out. How can one person love another so much that weeks later, the one that's left still can't sleep, even with prescription sleeping pills?
How can one person love another so much that an adult man is reduced to crying like a little girl?
How can one person love another so much that all life seems hopeless without her?
How can one person love another that without her, he has constant headaches, is tense, suffers high blood pressure, can't eat, his whole body is changed, even his handwrighting is changed?
How can one person love another so much that he can't see a purpose in life without her?
How can one person love another so much that they literally become one, and without her, he doesn't know who he is?
How can one person love another so much that without her he has no memory?
How can one person love another so much that he has to seek the help of a doctor to deal with the emotional, not physical, pain?
How can one person love another so much that without her, he has to force himself to live, when it used to just come naturally without thinking?
How, how, how? I don't know how. I only know that I did. I know that she did. I know that we did. Love is so powerful that when it is taken away, there is not much left in life. I'm glad that I knew this kind of love. The love that we had far outweighs the pain I'm feelng now. If, before I married Elaine, I had a crystal ball to see our lives together and the pain I'm in now, I wouldn''t change a thing. For I hurt greatly because I loved and was loved even greater,
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Comment
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Comment by grace28 on June 27, 2012 at 11:23pm
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Alan,
What's the alternative? If you love, one of you will end up grieving! That's a fact. Maybe by the debilitation or long term illnes of one of you. My DH was clear that he didn't want that. The thing about sleeping is that I notice that if I don't sleep, I'm more weepy, cranky , like a 2 year old the next day. I am almost 3 mos out. I sob part of each day, have frequent meltdowns but try not to turn down invites,etc. I am pushing myself. My DH had time to talk to me a little and said "I want you to have a whole other life now". Easy for him to say.
He was 11 yrs older than me but I never saw this coming! I am trying. If I'm going to live, I want to feel alive. I am betting Elaine would want the same for you. easier said than done.
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Comment by carolynne on June 18, 2012 at 10:14pm -
(((Alan))) you and Elaine shared something so beautiful...to love that deeply is a miracle, but to lost it is just utter devastation. Know that we are all here with you and understand. Much love.
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Comment by Jpswife(Cathy) on June 6, 2012 at 9:17pm -
Alan,
How do I live the rest of my life happy again?? Sure I have our daughter and it sure helps but she cannot fill that void of life w/o John---28 years---I m now reduced to half of me---we had become One!!!
I'm glad God is with me but Heaven is probably a long time away...
Thanks Alan for your comments about ALS----I can't imagine a worse way to die---how do I put all those bad memories to rest......if time is the answer I need to face forward about 10 yrs...
Yes I'm glad I had John's love.....cathy
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Comment by Sherbear on June 4, 2012 at 12:19am
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It's a rare thing these days to have been one picked by someone and loved so deeply.
I am still in awe and humbled to know that I was loved by one such as my Dave.
He made it easy to love him.
Thank you for expressing your love for Elaine. It's help us all here probably to express our deep, deep, love.
(((((Hugs)))) To you Alan
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Comment by Booworks on June 3, 2012 at 10:59pm -
((((hugs)))) Alan. I don't think there is one of here who hasn't felt this exact way. May you find strength in that so many of us share these feelings. Light and love to you, Tami
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Comment by AmyN on June 3, 2012 at 10:13pm -
Alan, this exactly how I feel...
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Comment by jimswife33 (Michelle) on June 3, 2012 at 2:50am -
Alan, I have asked myself everyone of these questions and had the exact same feelings. Love is the answer and you are right, we hurt so greatly because we loved and were loved much more so greatly.
hope and healing to you.
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Comment by Jackie (lvgma) on June 2, 2012 at 11:56am -
Alan, Love is the answer. To have known it was the greatest gift. As I read every word I too felt the same way. It's 20 months now, and I still miss him so much. Im just starting to learn to live without him.
Hugs to you!11
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on June 1, 2012 at 11:29pm
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Thank you so much Alan for putting into words so much of whats in my heart. I never knew anyone could love as deep as KC and I did. One of the sad things is you truly understand just how deep that love was when you have it taken away. I still feel hollow inside without him. Just an empty shell that needs to reconnect with the other half of myself, But I know that can't happen until the day I make it to haven and I'm reunited with my other half. I do believe I will live out my days as half a person because my other half is already in heaven and I can't get it back.
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Comment by smit09 on June 1, 2012 at 11:12pm -
...and just to add...
I too had the hardest time with "how can one person love another so much, that they literally become one, and without HIM, I didn't know who I was"<---but we don't have to figure that out right away. We must give ourselves time to learn who the 'new me' is! and I know how frightening that sounds, but face it, without our spouse, its bound to happen, we can't be the same person we once were.
LOVE. love is the greatest. once I got over the 'anger'// I could start to see love around me...even if it wasn't my own love...that's when I got the urge and the WANT to live... because you are right Alan, without LOVE, there is not much left in life.
peace and healing to you.
keep on grieving, as hideous as this sounds, your pain is beautiful, and it will help form you into a new stronger individual than Elaine knew. (that is what I keep telling myself anyway, keep hoping it'll work, lol)
beautiful post.
hang in there, WE WILL get through it.
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