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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I've not posted here for a while.  There have been a few changes. I 've been going through all the financial stuff and have come to the realization that Hubby has left me with too little funds. I am barely going to have enough to pay the mortgage and utilities. I do have some savings but I need to make them last for about 2 yrs,3 mths. I think I'll have enough each month from those savings to make up the difference.That is when I will be eligible for SS and Medicare. My health insurance through his plan will end in April and I will have to pick up insurance through my employment. Thank God that my employer will pay a considerable portion of my plan. My big decision will be when to retire... 65,67 or 70. Our plan was for this year. I'm really angry about that. I was really looking forward to retirement with my Hubby.

The first week after Hubby passed and all the family had gone back to their homes I put padlocks on all the outside buildings. I slept with a light on which used to make me irritated for someone else to do. I've gotten a little more relaxed. I think its because I am at peace with Hubby's passing. I'm not saying it's all right just saying I am at peace.

I know that he's where he is supposed to be. God gave me that peace and let me know that he's okay. And because I know that then I'm ok. Does that make sense?

My crying jags have cut way down. I still have grief bursts. I embarrassed myself at luncheon with a bunch of my high school girlfriends the Saturday after Valentines,I was talking about how my daughter and 2 of my friends took me to dinner for Valentines night. That was all good and I was enjoying myself till I had to excuse myself. On my walk back through the restaurant there was a guitarist seranading couples.  I was relating this to my friends the next day and just started tearing up. Of course they were all sympathetic and huggy(my husband and I all went to school with these women like 50 years ago)seriously.

Cried once on vacation when there was no one in the suite with me. And I am not a pretty crier. Tears and snot and uncontrolled wailing. I always wondered what keening sounded like. I know now.

On other things. I bought an electric weed eater,hedge trimmer and chain saw. I'm tired of waiting for people to do things for me. The offers are all very nice but it would be nice if it was on my timetable and not on theirs.Because theirs never seems to come around. LOL

I've asked to have 3 things done for me since Hubby passed, Please trim my hedges,please find out what is making the scritch scratch under my house and please prune my crape myrtles. And oh yes please check my outside faucet to make sure its off because I couldn't tell. Well the last one got done by a nice friend of my husbands from church. I trimmed my own hedges with the hedge trimmer, I threw poison under the house and had to endure the stench for about 3 weeks after it worked.And I got half my crape myrtles pruned.(the chain came off the chainsaw and I can't get it back on).

So for all your friends and/or family who say "If you need anything just ask,I'll be happy to help" do not believe them. It ain't happening.

And believe me I find it incredibly difficult to ask for assistance.And I did and it didn't happen. So spare yourself the embarrassment and learn to do it yourself or hire someone if you can.

My lesson for the last 4 months. "Just do it" like the Nike commercial says.

4 months in the 27th of this month. I still can't believe he's gone. During the night I still stretch my hand across the bed to check on him. The covers were pulled up just right one morning and just for a second I thought I saw him. I still have his pillow but I have it where it won't lose his scent. I like to smell it and his bathrobe and his aftershave sometimes.

I'm still grieving but I'm  not letting it consume me. But that could always change at any time. My bestest is still grieving and her husband has been gone 3 years. A woman I know has been a widow for over 30 years and she's still angry with him for going on without her.So I know there will be ebbs and flows. That's life...and death.

In the end we all die and if we are married we are all bound to be widows or widowers. It's a fact of life.

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Comment by missmyhunny on February 27, 2014 at 2:19am

My Roses, I would just like to Thankyou for all the excellent information. It's good to know that. The cost of living in Australia to me is crazy after living in the States for a few years and then coming back, talk about hyperinflation.

Comment by my roses on February 26, 2014 at 10:53am

My roses   Can understand  the 'too little funds"

Regarding your economic situation.  I  have been doing a lot of research on this - Done it for Australia, then New Zealand with the earthquake and now for parts of USA.  Financial and other support is available for those in need. It covers utility bill payment, food vouchers, Christmas parcel and presents for kids.... many organisations and churches - particularly St. Vincent de Paul and Salvation Army ( who I found out will do Thanksgiving dinners).   Help with your "furnace) as you call it in States.  I just did a major list for Seattle. Govt listings and organisations are available for other cities.  NO ONE WHO IS A PENSIONER, WIDOW, SINGLE PARENT etc should be denied. When I did New Zealand (it has very cold winters) I found that  heavy curtains could be gifted to people) .  PLEASE ALL OF YOU WHO JOURNEY ON WV if you are exeriencing financial or other issues (food, furniture whatever).  Please know that there is help available ( it is just not broadcast)... To give you comfort you do  not need to beg, just state that you are bereaved,  or with small children, in deep grief etc.  Normally here in Australia I offer to go with the person  and often get $500 towards bills, a grant for people who suffer with too much heat or intense cold - money given to help them pay their electricity bill.   Also to give you comfort - don,t give up.  If you are run down, in grief, caring for someone etc ring and tell your story.  I made 41 phone calls one day to get help for Wes and I when drowning in bills.  Finally I got an agency to help.  Paid gas, water, electricity gave us  about $110 worth of food cards, fresh vegetables, I asked for a knee rug, even  given  a wheel chair.  ITS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE DON'T GIVE IN.  sO it would be helpful to consider this for yourself, just to give you a sense of control over your life.   I also had the Salvation Army give me special organic shampoos and conditioners, and asked to be put on the Christmas list and got a single father onto the list as well.   Even blankets, clothing etc.  I was also given on one occasion a voucher worth about $110 to go and buy anything in their second hand shop. Chose lovely plates, beautiful new travel bag, gifts for relatives of beautiful  framed pictures, clothing for grand children.  We got masses of stuff for that amount.  Blessings to  you all.

Comment by wildflower on February 25, 2014 at 5:31pm

sorry for your loss.  It is hard to deal with all these unexpected things that come up.  At a support group the other day they referred to them as the secondary losses.  Your last sentence rings a bell.   When my mother died in the 80s at a young age my sil said one or the other of us who were married would have to go through it some day.  Just didn't expect it now.  Kept thinking you always have more time. You might want to check on some of ss rules to see what works best for you.  I'm collecting my husband's ss (although half will go to cover the change in my filing status for taxes).  And then I will wait till full retirement age to take my ss as it builds.  But I'm not working and that is another thing to take into consideration.

I know I felt like I was hit from left field with things I didn't anticipate.  I know what you mean about people offering to help but not following through.  Had that happen while my husband was ill.  But I do have to give some of my friends and family with really pulling through for me now.  And I just don't ask the ones who really are not sincere.

Do feel somewhat better myself and it is also four plus months for me.  And then it hits me from nowhere.

Sending hugs to you.  Wish I could do more. But do understand what you are going through.

Comment by missmyhunny on February 25, 2014 at 2:57am

laurajay, Good points about the Govt. and retirement benefits and not trusting them to do the right thing. I don't even know if there will be a monetary system the way things are going on a global scale, because i have read where another collapse will be imminent at some stage and will be worse than the great depression, so who knows? We live in very uncertain times now, and things have changed a lot in the world. I feel really bad for the younger generation and what their futures will be.

I also agree life is a precious gift and i try and enjoy every day the best i can.

Comment by missmyhunny on February 24, 2014 at 9:42pm

Sorry for your loss and all the other stuff you are dealing with too, (((((Hugs)))))

Comment by missmyhunny on February 24, 2014 at 9:05pm

Charlie's wife, I hear you. This is the real downside of widowhood. It's bad enough that our beloved died, but then on top of that are all the other things we have to worry about and deal with. Life never turns out the way we expect it too. We make plans for retirement etc. and then all of that is gone in an instant when our partner dies.

And you are so right with what you say that all married people will have to endure this path eventually, some just go through it sooner rather than later is all. Death comes to us all at some stage, it is unavoidable, and that is what we all have to deal with. So i think the big lesson in it all is to be prepared for that to happen, to have all our affairs in order, and to be ok. if by chance our partner dies so that we at least can carry on without them financially, and not have that extra burden to carry on top of our grief.

Comment by laurajay on February 24, 2014 at 7:33pm

Believe me.  Many of us who lost spouses unexpectedly do not have  enough money to live anywhere close to where we were when they were alive!!! just personal stuff we do not share in specifics.  Others wind up with huge amts of money in insurance and feel guilty because the have no financial worries. Some are in between.  You are doing well to think now about when to retire. Personally I no longer trust the gov.t to do the right thing for retirees what with Nat'l debt and I would vie for earlier date  and keep on saving on my own...who knows what might happen to retirement funds in future.  But in any case get professional advice cause money is big issue unless you have a lot...  bty   four months is very fresh  please be kind to you and give yourself much more  gentle time to begin your journey back into the light.  lj   We will indeed lose everyone we love with time unless they outlive us...makes every day from today on very very precious and it should put us in awe of the gift of life and bring us to our knees in gratitude.

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