I've not posted here for a while. There have been a few changes. I 've been going through all the financial stuff and have come to the realization that Hubby has left me with too little funds. I am barely going to have enough to pay the mortgage and utilities. I do have some savings but I need to make them last for about 2 yrs,3 mths. I think I'll have enough each month from those savings to make up the difference.That is when I will be eligible for SS and Medicare. My health insurance through his plan will end in April and I will have to pick up insurance through my employment. Thank God that my employer will pay a considerable portion of my plan. My big decision will be when to retire... 65,67 or 70. Our plan was for this year. I'm really angry about that. I was really looking forward to retirement with my Hubby.
The first week after Hubby passed and all the family had gone back to their homes I put padlocks on all the outside buildings. I slept with a light on which used to make me irritated for someone else to do. I've gotten a little more relaxed. I think its because I am at peace with Hubby's passing. I'm not saying it's all right just saying I am at peace.
I know that he's where he is supposed to be. God gave me that peace and let me know that he's okay. And because I know that then I'm ok. Does that make sense?
My crying jags have cut way down. I still have grief bursts. I embarrassed myself at luncheon with a bunch of my high school girlfriends the Saturday after Valentines,I was talking about how my daughter and 2 of my friends took me to dinner for Valentines night. That was all good and I was enjoying myself till I had to excuse myself. On my walk back through the restaurant there was a guitarist seranading couples. I was relating this to my friends the next day and just started tearing up. Of course they were all sympathetic and huggy(my husband and I all went to school with these women like 50 years ago)seriously.
Cried once on vacation when there was no one in the suite with me. And I am not a pretty crier. Tears and snot and uncontrolled wailing. I always wondered what keening sounded like. I know now.
On other things. I bought an electric weed eater,hedge trimmer and chain saw. I'm tired of waiting for people to do things for me. The offers are all very nice but it would be nice if it was on my timetable and not on theirs.Because theirs never seems to come around. LOL
I've asked to have 3 things done for me since Hubby passed, Please trim my hedges,please find out what is making the scritch scratch under my house and please prune my crape myrtles. And oh yes please check my outside faucet to make sure its off because I couldn't tell. Well the last one got done by a nice friend of my husbands from church. I trimmed my own hedges with the hedge trimmer, I threw poison under the house and had to endure the stench for about 3 weeks after it worked.And I got half my crape myrtles pruned.(the chain came off the chainsaw and I can't get it back on).
So for all your friends and/or family who say "If you need anything just ask,I'll be happy to help" do not believe them. It ain't happening.
And believe me I find it incredibly difficult to ask for assistance.And I did and it didn't happen. So spare yourself the embarrassment and learn to do it yourself or hire someone if you can.
My lesson for the last 4 months. "Just do it" like the Nike commercial says.
4 months in the 27th of this month. I still can't believe he's gone. During the night I still stretch my hand across the bed to check on him. The covers were pulled up just right one morning and just for a second I thought I saw him. I still have his pillow but I have it where it won't lose his scent. I like to smell it and his bathrobe and his aftershave sometimes.
I'm still grieving but I'm not letting it consume me. But that could always change at any time. My bestest is still grieving and her husband has been gone 3 years. A woman I know has been a widow for over 30 years and she's still angry with him for going on without her.So I know there will be ebbs and flows. That's life...and death.
In the end we all die and if we are married we are all bound to be widows or widowers. It's a fact of life.