Summer is over and school has started. This means seeing a lot of people I haven't seen over the summer.
It also means that "how are you doing?" question. You know, that question that is usually answered with an "I'm ok" because its easier than saying, I'm not ok, things suck, and I want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world.
Only now I can honestly answer "I am good."
I have no idea when it happened. I went from honestly being ok, to now I am doing good. I can be happy, laugh, enjoy day to day things, and those special things, without feeling guilty.
Don't get me wrong, that void is always there. The thought that Patrick is missing out on so much is still there. 1st day of school for the kids was hard especially for them, but unlike last year, this year they were able to enjoy the day. They were excited for school to start again. They were excited to come home and tell me all about their teachers, what their friends did over the summer. They were excited to be normal kids again.
I don't know when this happened. I was sort of scared for this to happen. I never thought I would ever be OK let alone being good again. But I have realized that being good doesn't mean I've forgotten Patrick, doesn't mean I miss him any less. It just means that I've learned to cope and learned to find ways to deal with the pain and the anger.