I want out.
I want out of this suffocating space I feel closing around me. I don't want to be here. I don't truly enjoy what I am doing or where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days. I don't sit and cry all the time anymore. I actually can function on my own, but I still feel like I am on autopilot.
Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Rinse & repeat. I just want out.
I still have this urge to leave for a long sabbatical. I want to truly smile at someone and feel it cross my face. I want to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and tears roll down my face from that laughter. I want to sit with a group of people and not feel isolated and lonely while listening to them talk. I want to feel the security of love wrap it's arms around my shoulders and rock me again. I want to experience life. I want to roam and experience new things. I want to meet new people. I want to pull energy from these new people in hopes to help me shape this new me. I want to create new memories. I want to wander and not feel the pressure to go back to a "normal life". Normal doesn't feel normal anymore. It feels like a plastic bag over my head suffocating what amount of life that may still reside inside me.
I just want out.
There is no normal life. The blissful veil that covered my eyes for so many years is gone. This whole year all I wanted was that normal back. I begged for it's return. I'd cry for it to come back and comfort me. But, "that normal" is no longer a possible reality. "That normal" isn't something that will ever be possible. "That normal" died a year ago. I keep feeling the pressure to get back to "normal". Get back into the swing of your work life. It's been a year since "normal" disappeared. It's been 10 months since I was forced to return to work and get back into my "normal routine".
It's not working for me. Normal... isn't normal anymore. I want out.
Normal routine...... I've had a hard time with this concept when it was mentioned to me 10 months ago. "You need to come back to work and get back to your routine. It will help with you moving on." My routine? Please tell me what that looks like now because I don't understand what my routine is after he died? My routine? Still....... drawing a blank.
It's been 10 months now that I returned to my "normal work routine". It's not working. I grow more & more frustrated.
This life I had before my husband died is no longer working for me. I can't fit back into that skin. I don't feel I am meant to be in this spot anymore. Normal is gone and I want out of whatever this is that I keep trying to push myself back into. This "routine", this "normal", this.... "thing" that I can't fully describe... It doesn't fit anymore.
I just want out.
I'd like to tap out of this ring now.