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I don't know where to begin. So I guess I'll fill everyone in. My name is Andy, I'm 30 yrs old. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 n 3 yr old daughter. My son got his angel wings Oct 18,2013. My husband and I got great news in Jan that we are expecting again. It had been def a stressful time for us since we both were trying to figure out how to continue as parents yet grieve for the child we wanted so much. Then the great news came and it was non stop at the docs. High risk, different tests. But with each test came more great news. The beginning of May we got the last bit of great news we needed. No cardiac issues and we are def having a healthy little boy. Then we get better news, finally the house we wanted in the country was ours to rent. For the great price in a beautiful country setting, getting to move forward with life... We started to move in and had done a good bit. The second day as we were supposed to move some more, sadly my husband got his angel wings. He was 32 yrs old n we just celebrated his 33 birthday. I am doing the best I can to continue with family life. It's not easy and everyone keeps saying that I must keep it together for our kids n I can not cry because of our son. I know that I must stay strong for our children, but at the same time I must grieve as well. I know that people are just trying to help with there kind words. But for me nothing said can help ease this pain I feel. I feel like it takes time, and the truth of the matter is I'll never get over this loss. I lost my soul mate, and trust me I have had my fair share of losers. This man, my husband is the one for me... He is amazing. It saddens me that people even have said oh he'll send someone ur way. I'm just looking for wisdom from those who have a idea of what I'm going thru. Everyone's loss is different even if we all lost our spouse. We each have a one of a kind of love. I can honestly say it's not day by day for me... It's min by min. I need help, but what kind of help... I don't know either... Am lost and confused. Any bits of wisdom, would help in more ways than u think. Thank you!!

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Comment by Lakelady on July 16, 2014 at 3:39am
Andy, take it minute by minute if you have to. A good friend told me when he lost his "forever love" that I need to get up every morning, put my feet on the floor, and breathe. Then get out of bed, get dressed, show up. Grieve when I have to...breathe..grieve. He promised me that one day, I would not notice that I had to tell myself to get up, tell myself to put my feet on the floor, tell myself to get dressed, but only if I grieved the loss of my love (his best friend) with my heart and soul. I am so sorry for what you have lost, listen to your heart as you make this journey (((((hugs)))))
Comment by smit09 on July 15, 2014 at 6:27pm

ANDY!!!! --- I am sorry for your losses.

okay, grieve. Breathe, and grieve... grieve the way your body/heart/soul needs you to. Do not worry about what the others are saying, although, like you said, they are just 'trying' to help.  You are not being weak when you grieve in front of your children.  And your son needs to hear your hearts song... Let me tell you, I was pregnant when my husband passed (I was a little further along than you are, but I don't think that should matter) and boy did I ever grieve. I wept and sobbed, and swore and yelled for weeks/months after.  Just keep going to your check ups and if all is okay with little mister baby, then don't you worry, you grieve.  Your kids will hold you up in moments of sadness as they legitimately bring joy to your life, but again, they need you to be true to yourself and your feelings.  Lean into your grief, be a part of its journey... you will find the strength to carry on.  This site was a huge help for me in the beginning stages of my loss... and even now, I am approaching almost 3 years (*wow, that feels odd) and I still reach to this site for strength.  You will never get over your loss, but you are still living, so you'll have to make the best of it... and if you allow it in your heart, you will find joy, love, peace and hope again. 


Comment by Andy n James on July 15, 2014 at 6:15pm
I lost some wt when this first happened.... Didn't eat for 3 days n then started to force myself to eat lil by lil. But it didn't affect our son. He's actually going to be my biggest baby yet. I know what it's like to b a single mom... Did it one before. But my husband was the first real relationship that we did everything like a team. I finally let someone in, someone who completes me in more ways than one. A man who knows me damn near inside n out. More than I realized. Our youngest daughter is more than a hand full n honestly no one can handle her like daddy.. I have no fears being a single mom, since it's something sadly I am familiar with. I of course don't want to, because my husband should b here to help me. Thou I know he is still with us just in a different way. I have great support from my mom, who cooks dinners for us a lot. She lives super close. My neighbor. We cleared a lil hiking path thru the woods to get to her place, which is nice to walk. My husband was looking forward to making it for us. Sadly his family and I aren't talking. But at this time it's For the best, thou I don't know how I'm goin to feel if they try and come around after our son is born. We didn't agree on splitting his ashes, n they never call or text to see how we r doing. Mind u we agreed I could bring my husband home completely and I only got half his ashes. I was texting my husbands sister to see how everyone is doing but it's always me reaching out and finally I stopped. To hear nothing from them in return. I can't be the only one reaching out to them. Before my husbands passing we were talking and everything was fine. I can't focus on them, because my main focus is on our family, my husband and I. Most days I can manage well enough.. I have my moments, but I do what needs to be done all the while panicking inside. I did CNA work for a long time n now my back is completely shot. So I'm not working and of course we didn't have life insurance set up. Silly us thinking we had time. I'm back n forth... Ugh..
Comment by Springwater762 on July 15, 2014 at 4:15pm

I have five kids, I understand some of what you are going through.  You can do it.  It is hard with a baby, but do get help.  Its ok to cry, its OK to grieve.  In fact if you don't your teaching your kids not to either.  I'm going to message you.  I lost my husband in April, we just celebrated his birthday last week.  i'm here for you, as are all the other awesome people on this blog. 

Comment by laurajay on July 15, 2014 at 7:19am

Andy.  Must be frank with you.  Please see if you have parents, close friends or neighbors to help you for a while where you are at.  Pregnant you need to focus on the life growing within you.  Sleep, eat well and do not take on any strenuous work at home.  You have a long  time to work through your grief and we are right here for you to listen or comment  but every minute is exhausting in grief so do not be shy.  Ask at your church or any nearby church if they have a community that could supply an occasional meal for you.  Cook in bulk  once or twice a week and just reheat the other days.  Take time to get off your feet and do go to doctor for prenatal care.  Ignore people who think they know what's good for you-we all get that from folks and it is annoying and depressing.  Try to keep somewhat of a schedule for meals with the children and a bedtime.  Order will give you a little sense of power since when we lose our spouse we feel powerless.  It's ok to feel horrible and you do need to get it  write and even cry gently  but keep remembering you still have life to live and life to bring into this world.  don't expect to understand all this  nor to figure it all out on your own.  Minute by minute is good enough.  We have all felt lost and alone and frightened.  It's ok.  I send you love and ask our Creator to give you strength for your minutes, hours, days  for as long as you have the need.    lj

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 14, 2014 at 6:24pm

Andy, yes it is minute by minute.  We are all lost on this journey because there is no roadmap!!! Dammit. We have to find our way through the fog..and we crash into a lot of things along the way.  Understand this:  we ALL know this road..maybe not your particular twists and turns, but we know about traveling a foggy road with no headlights and feeling utterly lost and alone and afraid.  But I am  here to tell you this.  You ARE NOT ALONE.  There is a whole village of people here to talk to, vent to, ask questions of, and just vent when you need to.  I will not sugar coat it.  It is a hard road.  But it is full of amazing people who help you thru up from the ashes to beauty.  It doesn't seem like it right now, i know.  but keep coming back.  join us in chat when you are able. until in groups...or post a blog.  it doesn't matter who responds...just get it out!!  Much love and hugs your way...AEDforever (Ali)

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