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I miss him terribly.

John died on May 24, 2017.  I'm what...almost 8 months out?  I feel like this roller coaster is getting harder. I think I was on autopilot through the first few months.  I had a son to get off to his first year of college in the Fall, a 16 year old daughter starting her Junior year of HS who dances and wanting to make sure she was doing ok and on track.

And now I made it through the holidays....Like what was I thinking??  That there would be an end of some sort to this nightmare and things would start to be "normal" again?? I had concocted this whole get it together plan for 2018.  And yes, I'm working on it.  Eating better, exercising, de cluttering etc etc. 

But it has truly dawned on me now that this is my new reality. My new "normal."  My life without John will continue.  He was 49 for crying out loud.  And I was 46 when he died.  I have a whole life to live without him in it.  It sucks.  Don't get me wrong- there have been some happy things in the last 7-8 months. But this reality of him never being here again is really just now settling in. 

I just miss him so much.  I want him here. I want him home. I'm being selfish- but this just sucks.

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Comment by needsalife on February 12, 2018 at 7:12pm

It's just now sinking in for me I went full steam ahead for a whole year Greg pasted on Feb 1, 2017. Whenever he would workout of town or go on a camping trip with his buddies I would stay as busy as I could till he got home, made the time pass faster and I think that's what I did all year, stayed busy like he would be home soon. With the winter I have not been able to keep myself busy and it's starting to really sink in he's not coming home and yes it sucks cause I think I miss him more because of it.  

Comment by ShirleyB on January 16, 2018 at 5:57am

Thanks everyone.  It is a good feeling to know you are not going through and struggling through something alone.  So many of us out there too... I was telling someone yesterday that I feel I have again turned a corner, so to speak. The whole process ebbs and flows. The beginning is a lot of numbness and going through the motions which I was actually thankful for trying to get through John's funeral and Nick graduating all within a two week span. And life has to go on. I mean, we are still here and I know John would want me to live and learn and experience just as we had as a couple and a family before this all happened. Some days things are actually pretty ok. I mean, I think I have a brief moment of crying every day- obviously some days more than others. But I do have good days. Good moments, good laughs, happiness. I just wish he were here to experience and share those times with.  Sometimes I get scared thinking about a future without him in it.  The things he will miss and the things I will do on my own- the selfish part of me having to do things on my own that we would have done as a couple. I do remember though to try to live in the moment more.  Trivial things matter less. Making memories with family and friends matters more. It's  a daily process. I realize now there is no timeline on this grief. It will continue to ebb and flow as needed. John will always be a part of my life and that is the piece I will continue to hold on to. For me, sometimes it's just tough knowing that if I stay healthy I basically have an entire lifetime to live without him physically part of it. It's a surreal thing to ponder and can make me sad.  But today is a good day.  The gym last night was awesome. I have lunch plans today and I look forward to a huge Vikings win on Sunday. Onward right?  

Comment by JC6767 on January 15, 2018 at 12:53pm

Hi Shirley!  My beloved was also named John and he was 49.  I'm about to turn 46 and have a 16 year old daughter.  I understand what you mean when you are saying I made it through the holidays etc. but now what?  I'm almost 10 months out and I can say getting out of bed is still hard.  Facing the reality of a life without your partner is just terrible.  The pain is still there.  It does indeed suck.  Making a plan to motivate myself takes constant conscious effort.

 Right now, scheduling things that are fun helps.  I scheduled vacations over the holidays and am planning a summer beach vacation for my daughter and myself.  I get myself into a panicky state thinking about the future, having several anxiety attacks and still cry often.  However, what does help me is simply slowing down, breathing, enjoying or feeling grateful for at least one thing in a day and living in the present moment.  The love you had for each other won't ever die.  it's terribly unfair that we are left dealing with all of this, but I try to hang onto his incredible love for me and try to make him proud for keeping my head up within him.   

Comment by NancyD on January 9, 2018 at 8:46pm

Shirley and Rainy, I'm four months into this journey and for me it continues  to be brutal, but there are tiny "points of light" for me now and I no longer cry all day, every day.  So I hold onto those two little awareness as signs of hope for my future, even though my future seems so hopeless and dreary most of the time.  Death is so final; but the love we shared is eternal.  I am trying to find a way to stay aware of that love in spite of the terrible pain of loss.  (I hope that makes sense?)  

It isn't selfish to wish he could come back.  It's honest and real and something so many of us yearn for, even as we understand the reality of what happened. I know I do.  I try to not get overwhelmed with all the days stretching out ahead of me and just "stay in today".  That helps.  Hugs to all of you. 

Comment by Callie2 on January 9, 2018 at 4:09pm

Shirley, I am so sorry for your loss. While the first year can really be rough, often times it is the second year when the reality hits home, just as you have described. It’s so painful, but it seems we have to feel these feelings in order for us to heal. Grief is a process filled with many emotions and a whole lot of ups and downs. Be kind to yourself and have lots of patience, things will get better with time. And when I say “ better”, what I mean is we learn to accept our loss. I don’t think we get over missing them but it does become more bearable.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on January 9, 2018 at 2:00pm

Shirley I am only 24 days out and it's getting harder and harder for me.  I have to put my trust in those that are here to tell us it does get easier someday.  Right now, I'll bet it's easier for you than for me, and I'm saying that because (if you think back to those earlier days) that is where I am now; there just has to be joy again. Is today better than then?  It is hard and it sucks big hairy meat balls.  I'm with you, I miss Jerry.  I want him here.  I don't care that it's selfish, we were robbed of everything we planned and all the unplanned great moments we would have had.  I feel like death has violated me, I'm changed and I'll never be the same.  I don't like the new me.  I liked the one that was giddy in love, I liked the one that saw everything through rose colored glasses.  That woman is gone forever. I even mourn her loss.  I hope for you and me, that missing them will someday be something lurking in the back ground instead of slapping us around.  If we are to believe the men and women who've been doing this for a long time, then there is hope that one day we can say, "I'm really Okay". 

Comment by shelley on January 8, 2018 at 7:13pm

I know.  My husband died suddenly on 11/10/17 and it just gets harder.  

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