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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

    I forgot, just for a moment, that he was gone.  I don't have these moments often anymore.  Its very rare that I see his car in the garage and think,  "oh good, he is home early", and even when I do have these moments they are only milliseconds of time.  But Sunday I forgot.

    I was sewing some new drapes for my bathroom and vanity, something I have been wanting to do for almost 2 years now.  As I was sewing, I was smiling (again, something that is rare), and thought to myself, "Ray is really going to like these.  The pattern is perfect and he will be so proud I taught myself something new.  I can't wait to show him." 

    Then it hit me; he is not going to see the drapes, he is not going to be excited about my new project.  He isn't here. I felt like my stomach dropped out and I felt physically ill.  It was like it all came rushing back to me; the hospital, the priest, the viewing, his closet of clothes that he will never wear, the deafening silent of the house without his laugh; I broke down.  I stopped sewing, grabbed my most cuddly dog (the one who will let me grab her, cry and cuddle) and laid on the couch.  I couldn't even cry, it hurt too much.

    I felt like I lost him again.  

    I laid there and stared into space with the overwhelming though "how could I have forgotten?" its not like I don't have constant reminders EVERYWHERE.  It's not as if I don't think about him almost every moment of the day.  How did I allow myself to forget that the love of my life is gone. 

    Why does he have to be gone?  God I miss him.

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Comment by LostinNC on June 2, 2015 at 8:03pm

Same thing happens to me. He has only been gone 6 months, but during that time I have done this often. I will have a dream and even in the dream think I can't wait to wake up and tell him. Wake up all excited, roll over, and reality hits again. At the beach with the grandkids, watching them and think, I can't wait to get back to the hotel and call him. Fast as that thought vomes, reality is right behind it. Hearing a sound in the bathroom at night and thinking, good he is home from work. Where does it end? When does it end? Does it ever end? I don't know the answer. I know the pain never ends. I still cry most every day. I am not liking this new life I have been thrown into, but I have no choice. I get through each day by telling myself each morning when I wake up that I am one day closer to being with him again. To be happy again!

Comment by vintage56(barb) on May 23, 2015 at 7:05am

Almost every morning I wake up expecting him to be on the other side of the bed, or find myself moving gently so I won't disturb him. Still occasionally head for the passenger side of the car when I come out of a store.

(((HUGS))) there is a big hole in our lives.

Comment by breistl on May 21, 2015 at 6:36pm
I can relate. This is so new I can't offer advice, just the acknowledgement someone understands.

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