I forgot, just for a moment, that he was gone. I don't have these moments often anymore. Its very rare that I see his car in the garage and think, "oh good, he is home early", and even when I do have these moments they are only milliseconds of time. But Sunday I forgot.
I was sewing some new drapes for my bathroom and vanity, something I have been wanting to do for almost 2 years now. As I was sewing, I was smiling (again, something that is rare), and thought to myself, "Ray is really going to like these. The pattern is perfect and he will be so proud I taught myself something new. I can't wait to show him."
Then it hit me; he is not going to see the drapes, he is not going to be excited about my new project. He isn't here. I felt like my stomach dropped out and I felt physically ill. It was like it all came rushing back to me; the hospital, the priest, the viewing, his closet of clothes that he will never wear, the deafening silent of the house without his laugh; I broke down. I stopped sewing, grabbed my most cuddly dog (the one who will let me grab her, cry and cuddle) and laid on the couch. I couldn't even cry, it hurt too much.
I felt like I lost him again.
I laid there and stared into space with the overwhelming though "how could I have forgotten?" its not like I don't have constant reminders EVERYWHERE. It's not as if I don't think about him almost every moment of the day. How did I allow myself to forget that the love of my life is gone.
Why does he have to be gone? God I miss him.