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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

i found my self alone, alone, alone upon a raging sea....

This is a line from one of my favorite songs "Just like Heaven". I have the Charlotte Martin version posted in my video section, but I'm pretty sure the original was from the CARs or some other 80's type band. This is how I am feeling. Alone, alone, alone. I don't really understand what changed, except more passing of time. I was feeling much more hopeful and positive and "doing" things. Then 6 mos came, and I feel well..not devastated like at first- no, I feel "disintegrated". Like the pieces that make up "me" don't fit together anymore. Like my old self is dead, and the new self is not here to take her place yet.  And as this new "me" is forming, I am grasping, grasping, grasping at anything that will calm the raging sea. Part of this unraveling is all my fault. I moved back to my hometown after what? 19 years away, and married Paul. I then promptly rearranged the sun, moon and stars and made him the center of my universe. I didn't make new friends, continue my hobbies and support groups. No, what he wanted to do is what I wanted to do. And we had a lot of fun doing those things. Football games, video games, trips, fishing, lots of hanging out on the couch watching tv. But now, his absence magnifies these deficiencies to the __nth power. No friends to speak of, no regular hobbies, no social life, no spiritual practice. Apart from my widowed village friends (and they are lifesavers) I AM alone. No lifeboat in sight. No savings, no support system, no family that really helps me, no "back-up plan". I recently commented to my brother that my long term goal was to get a better job, and my short term goal was to "Not F*%k anything up".

Well...I'm skating on thin ice now with the short term goal.

My thinking and my actions of late are really letting me know that I am teetering and tottering on the edge of the mental health abyss.

But I have a plan..I'm hoping it will all work out and I can go get myself together. I really, really, need a place I can be safe from myself and "regroup".

Wish me luck.

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Comment by MrsD on November 21, 2012 at 8:17am

The Cure. That's the band. One of our favorites.

I have been really struck in the past few days over how much the ocean serves as a metaphor about what I am going through. Sinking into the depths, no land in sight, nothing but infiite lonely darkness. I'm alone in this sea. Sometimes it's raging, sometimes it's calm, but it's where I am, and I hate it here.                        

I have good people in my life but I definitely put all my emotional eggs in the Dan basket. I think that's just marriage. A good marriage anyway. But it's like the stronger your partnership is, the harder it is when one is taken away. I was telling my therapist basically how miserable and empty I am, and she said, "isn't that a good thing? How horrible would it be if he hadn't made an impact at all?" I get what she's saying but it still sucks. We didn't do exciting things. Whe didn't take trips, go skiing, have outlandish parties. We just - were. Together. There's nobody else I can just be with. And be totally and completely myself. That's what I miss, not the company. I can talk to other people all day, collaborate with folks at work, spend time with friends, or join a book club. But that critical part of my life is still missing. It's the biggest grief wave I have to ride. A riptide really.

You didn't f$%^ anything up, you formed the strongest of bonds with another person, something  a lot of people, even many married people, never achieve. Give yourself credit for that. The fact that he was taken from you doesn't diminish it.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 5, 2012 at 4:53pm

Thanks everyone. I've taken some steps towards recovering some kind of stability. I'm tired and worn out and still fairly depressed but can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Comment by aussiewidow on August 30, 2012 at 7:38pm

Wishing you luck, Ali.

I guess many of us have gone along with what our husbands wanted to do, at some expense to our personal needs and requirements.

For being so close to our husbands and having such merged lives we pay the price in terms of finding it hard to establish a new "me.'

I don't know your circumstances but maybe you can move back to where you came from and reconnect with old friends. But just be aware that things change and all things must pass - my closest friend here is leaving in October; another loss:(

Hugs to you from downunder.


Comment by bad ass widow on August 30, 2012 at 8:39am

Ali, be gentle with yourself.  As hard as it is, try and find something to do just for you.  As hard as it may seem,  things do get less hard.  As positive as I have been lately, I still have bad times.  Sending my positive energy to you.  (((hugs)))

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 29, 2012 at 7:51pm

NOT okay..very much not plau

Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 29, 2012 at 4:37pm

So much familiarity in this blog.  I do sometimes feel that the realization of the permanence of this whole thing is so so hard to deal with.  I also feel that the me that I was did indeed die with him.  I am different.  Not in a horribly bad way and definitely not in a good way but definitely different.  I don't really care about a whole lot of things that would have bothered me before.  I am here.  He is not.  I can't change that and it sucks.  I hate this world without him but I have to live in it till I don't.  Comfortably numb I guess;/

Comment by Lauralee on August 29, 2012 at 4:05pm

I had found a writing somewhere recently that stated: "When someone you love dies, it's as if they leave you with half shares of your life together.  The person you were in their eyes dies with them."  I don't know if this is how you feel but it sounds like it might be and I know it describes me.  It made me understand a little more why this loss hurts so much - it is so much more than the loss of the person, the loss of all the things you did together, it is the part of you that no longer exists.  Ali - I wish you all the luck and I know how hard you and all of us are just trying to survive, even if our heart isn't really in it.  I wish I could give you a hug - I know how much I could use one.   

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 29, 2012 at 3:36pm

"I know that the realization of the permanence of this nightmare can pull you down even worse than the original death blow did..."

yes..i think that is what is happening i guess

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on August 29, 2012 at 3:32pm

wow Pat.."the first time"??? that is utterly amazing to me. you must be one tough lady. ain't no way i'm gonna go thru this another time. i will make sure of that. i wouldn't survive it.

Comment by Pat222 on August 29, 2012 at 2:22pm



I wish you luck.  I will also offer up prayers for you too.  The first time I went through this dark valley, I felt the same way.  I didn't move, but my friends left me.  They did not call, and if I invited them over, they found reasons not to come.  I am 13.5 years out from my first loss of a husband, and I am still waiting to hear from those "friends".  I was so close to suicide, and the night I thought I might follow through, I was PUT ON HOLD!!!! when the suicide hotline was called.  It was at that point that I realized that I would have to pull myself out of this hell hole, called grief.  From that point forward, I reached out (this website was not in existance at that time) and made phone calls to anyone I could think of to get my mind out of the depths of dispair.  I limited the length of my self-indulgent pity parties to about 15 minutes and then forced myself to make the call.  I know that some people cannot do this without medication, fortunately, I was able to get through it without medication.  I know that everyone has to grieve and release the pain through tears and living in the depths of the grief, but the pull is like being under water.  You can stay there for short periods of time, but you cannot stay there under the water for too long, or you will not survive.  I found that wallowing for too long in the grief caused me to continue to sink even lower.  That is why I started limiting myself to shorter periods of crying, screaming and just staying in bed.  For me, to stay there too long at any one time was close to being lethal. 


I know that the realization of the permancence of this nightmare can pull you down even worse than the original death blow least that is my experience.  I know the cliche is "Time will help" and I know that it does....but right now, when the pain is so deep, it is hard to believe that or to have the patience to wait for that time.  Keep venting here and writing about how you feel, that helps too.  If you ever want to talk on the phone, please drop me a message, and I would love to talk to you if you think it would help.  I pray that God will send and envelope you in the peace that only he can give. 

Hugs and much love,



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