This is a line from one of my favorite songs "Just like Heaven". I have the Charlotte Martin version posted in my video section, but I'm pretty sure the original was from the CARs or some other 80's type band. This is how I am feeling. Alone, alone, alone. I don't really understand what changed, except more passing of time. I was feeling much more hopeful and positive and "doing" things. Then 6 mos came, and I feel well..not devastated like at first- no, I feel "disintegrated". Like the pieces that make up "me" don't fit together anymore. Like my old self is dead, and the new self is not here to take her place yet. And as this new "me" is forming, I am grasping, grasping, grasping at anything that will calm the raging sea. Part of this unraveling is all my fault. I moved back to my hometown after what? 19 years away, and married Paul. I then promptly rearranged the sun, moon and stars and made him the center of my universe. I didn't make new friends, continue my hobbies and support groups. No, what he wanted to do is what I wanted to do. And we had a lot of fun doing those things. Football games, video games, trips, fishing, lots of hanging out on the couch watching tv. But now, his absence magnifies these deficiencies to the __nth power. No friends to speak of, no regular hobbies, no social life, no spiritual practice. Apart from my widowed village friends (and they are lifesavers) I AM alone. No lifeboat in sight. No savings, no support system, no family that really helps me, no "back-up plan". I recently commented to my brother that my long term goal was to get a better job, and my short term goal was to "Not F*%k anything up".
Well...I'm skating on thin ice now with the short term goal.
My thinking and my actions of late are really letting me know that I am teetering and tottering on the edge of the mental health abyss.
But I have a plan..I'm hoping it will all work out and I can go get myself together. I really, really, need a place I can be safe from myself and "regroup".
Wish me luck.