Today marks 1 year since Patrick's funeral.
Back then I never thought I'd ever be happy. I didn't think it was possible. If I laughed, I felt guilty.
It did take a while for that guilty feeling to go away. I knew Patrick wouldn't want me to feel that way, but it was something I couldn't help. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get that feeling to leave.
Then it slowly did. I would find myself laughing at something the kids did or said and realize that I was laughing and didn't feel guilty.
After Patrick's funeral, I thought I was done with heart issues. At first that made me sad. Then relieved. I know way more than I ever wanted to know about the heart.
Then a few months ago, I learned I wasn't done and my new journey was just now starting. Robbie was diagnosed with a hole in his heart.
Then last week Jazzy was diagnosed with the same heart defect. So now I transitioned from a heart wife to a heart mom. Something most mom's find out about before birth or just after birth. I didn't find out for 14 and 10 years.
I do know a hole in the heart isn't the end of the world. Its something that can be monitored and easily repaired when the time comes. However that mixed with everything I went through with Patrick, it has brought my fears to a new level.
I look back on this past year and I'm amazed at all I have gone through and how well I have held it together.
I still have the good and bad days, but the good days are starting to out number the bad days.
I have been on a horrible roller coaster this last year with no way off. I deserve to be happy.
I won't apologize for being happy. I have earned it. I won't apologize for coming here, to the chat, and laughing with others. Even though all of our journeys are different, we all understand the emotions. Everyone understands the emotions of being happy and feeling guilty. I have learned a lot from the amazing people I have met here. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this site.
I have earned my right to be happy and I shouldn't and won't apologize for that.