I grew up in a family that held the view of "blood is thicker than water". Growing up, my mother would often tell me that my friends would come and go, but my family would always be there when I needed them. When my significant other, Nathan, got sick and died in May 2013, I learned how wrong that statement is. When I needed them the most, my family ran the other way. They pretended that nothing changed. They accused me of hurting them with my pain and said that I was killing my parents because I was in so much pain.
I recognize that I am the first of my immediate family to go through anything close to this (my parents are both still alive at 69 and 70). But throughout my grief, instead of my family giving me the suppport and understanding I need, I've been angerly shushed when I needed to cry, been told that I am crazy and need a psyciatrist, and been told that my pain is hurting them.
Perhaps it is just me, but why does it seem as if when they actually get them, widows get conditions on their "I love you"s? "I love you, but you need to put this behind you and move on", "I love you, but you need to stop crying", "I love you, but you're being irrational", "I love you, but...", "I love you, but"....., "I love you, but......".
I know I am being difficult, honestly there are times when I don't know what I want. I want to be around family, but they make me feel worse. I want to be alone, but I feel isolated. Yesterday my mother, who has been supportive, asked me what I needed. At first I didn't know.....then I realized what it is......I needed to hear "I love you". No conditions, no telling me what I must do, no making me feel bad for having a natural reaction to losing the life I have built with Nathan and our future together. Just "I love you".......Full stop.