I Live

Thoughts (via Tweet) from last evening:

"An odd amount of sadness washed over me as I prepared my apartment for my departure. What if I never returned? I felt the grief of others.

I rarely think of my death, but now that I have, I wish none to feel the grief I felt in losing Kev; I wish that pain upon not even the worst.

I imagine the pain that others would feel having to look at my stuff as they sorted through my life, a combination of my things, and Kevs.

I feel ill thinking that anyone I love has to feel that pain. I need to live a long long time. I want to. I'd rather feel loss than them."

Morbid, right?  While I was sad at the thought, it didn't feel morbid to me.  Maybe that's because death is so intertwined in my life.  Today I feel refreshed, energized, ALIVE.  I leave tomorrow on a great expedition to San Jose, Costa Rica for my first travel writing trip for Wyndham Resorts.  It will be amazing.  As I packed last night, the thought that I may not return made me stop and think about the feelings of grief.

I know that we will all face some sort of grief in our lifetime, some amazing loss that will impact our heart and soul.  If I could protect you, my friends, my family, from that pain, I would. I would rather live to feel that pain, than to have you feel that pain.  It is immense.  Just the thought of anyone I love having to feel that nearly doubles me over.  But I cannot protect them from loss, I can only know that I will be a shoulder to cry on when they too, feel those deep emotions of loss.

The moments of sadness last night broke through to vitality this morning.  I am alive, and I am excited to live, not fearful to die.  I like this perspective!

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Check back at my blog this week, while I'm away, for some awesome guest posts by other widows that relates to some very current events.

Originally posted 5/3 at http://crazywidow.info/?p=3403