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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It's been 13 months. My wife Carla died June 12, 2016. Sunday is her birthday but she's dead so she's not getting any older. I am 47 and I get older every year, but Carla will always be 56. If I ever hear anyone complain about turning 60, I want to punch them.

I was doing reasonably well. In fact, I'm much better now than I was at the 3, 6, or 9 month mark. But I'm not all better. People say I'm doing "a great job". They mean I'm expressing my feelings and not in denial or escapism. I articulate my feelings and I look for support. Better than not doing those things. I know. But Carla is still dead. I keep doing the right things and she keeps being dead.

I sometimes feel hopeful and optimistic about rebuilding my life. I am strong! I am resilient! I'm young and healthy and surrounded by love and support! But I'm exhausted. Today, I do not want a new life. I do not want catharsis and wisdom and growth. I want my old life back, and the petty disagreements of working out who does what around the house. My secure little bubble. I really loved my old life and and I wish I could just go back there and stay there forever. 

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Comment by Rockon on July 20, 2017 at 12:16pm

HUGS Anna!!! I so understand how you feel! It has been 7 seven years, 3 months, 2 days since my husband died April 18, 2010. I still want to return to my "Secure little bubble and stay there forever". Wishing you Peace and Comfort on this journey of life. 

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