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I'm new here but not to grief!!

I may be a little different from some people here, but grief is nothing anyone else understands unless they have lived through it!! My 1st. husband killed himself, after he had kidnapped my daughter, he had stalked me, before that he had abused me in every way there is!! But to make a long ugly story short he gave me back my daughter, pulled the gun on me, I walked away! He was sick!!! But my 2nd husband was different, he did drugs, got hep.b from dirty needles, but he never hit me or hurt me!! He joined the military and we had 2 sons, but after the military and back to the states, he started over and got tired of being a Dad, and husband!! He left me and my 3 kids!! I went on but told him karma would get him for hurting my kids!! Karma got him 2 years ago, it ate his liver and kidneys, he died in a nurseing home!! I found a great man that loved my kids and me so very much, it was so very special! We became foster parents, I took everyone no one else would, I had 35 kids in 14 years!! Gradually my kids grew up and moved on to college, and my husband moved on to what he wanted to do!!! It wasn't staying home w/ some wild kids!!! It got too much for me alone and I quit and said well I'm not dead yet, I moved far enough away!! Met my 4th husband, he was so awesome!! We fit like a glove together, we loved to travel,watch movies and spend time together!! Well I got a very unexpected phone call telling me my youngest son had been killed in a car wreck!! It was an 18 hr. drive, I don't remember a lot of, except for walking into a funeral home seeing my son!! I thought I would die!! The wreck wasn't his fault, he even tried to get out of it, but out of 13 people, 12 walked away, my son was dead in his car on the way to work!!! I don't know how I survived it, we were so very close we talked on the phone all, the time no matter where we were!! My other kids won't talk about him still to this day!! He was too much like me, where they are alike!! But my husband got me through it, I was a mess!! We moved to be closer to my kids and 2 grandkids, my husband had been disabled before I met him, but it never stopped us, we loved to travel and did!! But his health started going down hill, he had 2 surgeries, and spent 2 years in pain, I

Started seeing some things and said you have to go back to the Dr. And he said not today!!! Well the next day I noticed his light wasn't on yet, so he was sleeping in!! Later I thought hey its our anniversary, I'm going to go jump on the bed!! I opened the door heard his bi-pap machine on, stepped back and turned the light on, what I saw is burned into my heart!! It wasn't good!! The house filled up, the policeman asked me if he could do anything, I said yes, take your gun and shoot me now, take us together!! My daughter showed up, and my life went from light to dark!!! All I wanted to do is die! And I could kill myself, but I won't because I want to see my husband again!!! I moved a 3 bedroom house into 1 bedroom, after donating. 4 truck and trailers of stuff!! I talk to him every night, miss him all the time! My caught just went through a divorce after 20 years, so its us and my 2 teenager grandkids now!! Where or what I'm still here for, I'd like to know! This is just too hard, I want my husband back!! I want to talk to him, I have no friends at all!!!

took care of him everyday. It was a mess but I didn't care!! we spent all our time together watching TV, discussing the bible, religion, and everything under the sun!! But on that day, I noticed his light wasn't on, so I thought he was sleeping in, later I thought hey its our anniversary, I'm going to jump on the bed! I opened the door heard his bi-pap machine running, stepped back and turned on the light! What I saw is burned into my mind! It was not easy or pretty, the house filled w/ people, the policeman asked me if there was anything he could do, I said yes take your gun and shoot me now so I can go w/ him!!! My daughter showed up and my life turned upside down!! I had to move a 3 bedroom house into 1 bedroom at my daughters!! I donated 4 trucks and trailers full of stuff to Goodwill, walked away!!! I wanted to die so bad!! But I knew I couldn't for one reason, I will see him again someday!!!! My daughter just went through a divorce after 20 years, so now its us, and my 2 teen age grandkids!! I cry every night, I talk to him, miss him like nothing I can even disscribe!!!  All I do is think of him, want him to come get me, I have no friends at all!!! No one will even say his name!! I know he's w/ me still, but I need him, to talk to, just be us!! Loneliness is an ugly thing to go through!!! So I've outlived 3 husbands, the other one is happily remarried, and I'm happy for him!! I just want

movies, discussing the bible, and everything else under the sun!! We loved each other and knew each other better than anyone else ever had!! I noticed some things and told him he had to back to the Dr., he said well not today!! The next day I noticed his light was still off, so I thought he was sleeping in!!! But a couple hours later I thought, hey its our anniversary, I'm going to go jump on the bed!! I opened the door and heard his bi-pap machine going, that was normal!! Till I turned on the light, its something burned into my memory I will never forget!!! It was not good, the house filled up and the policeman asked me if he could do anything for Mr, I told him take that gun out and shoot me now, take me w/ him!! My daughter showed up. I left that night and my life turned up side down completely!!! 

and was miserable! I had been disabled before we moved, so I took care of him, all the time. We were so happy, just being together, loved movies and discussing the bible and everything else under the sun!! He knew me better than anyone ever had!! He was miserable, I told him he had to go to the Dr., he said well not today!!! The next day I noticed he hadn't got out of bed yet, but that wasn't new! But later I thought its our anniversary, I'm going to jump on the bed!! Well I opened the door and heard his bi-pap machine going, didn't think anything about it, till I turned on the light!!! What I saw is burned in my memory forever!!! No, it couldn't be, but it was, I asked the policeman that came if he would just shoot me and take me w/ him!! After that my life changed from day to night!!! I didn't care about anything, anymore!! My daughter had to come get me, 

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Comment by Katie on June 12, 2015 at 10:59pm

Thanks so much Callie2, Its the trying to get totally readjusted to a new life!! Its hard!! 

Comment by Callie2 on June 12, 2015 at 12:25pm
Katie, you have certainly been through an awful lot. I pray life treats you more
kindly, but I also hope you can treasure those good years together as time progresses.
Comment by only1sue on June 11, 2015 at 4:09pm

Katie when we lose someone who has been so special in our lives we are all jumbled up.  That is a really good description of how I felt the first two years, smiling on the outside, messy on the inside.  I was married to Ray for 44 years, we had our ups and downs but were so close.  Now at two years and nine months out I still miss him.

You will recover, we all do somehow, we are built strong that way but anyone new coming into our life cannot replace what you had.  Just build yourself up for a while, good food, exercise, new friendships and see what good things life brings your way. 

Comment by Katie on June 11, 2015 at 2:24am

Sorry this is all jumbled up!! I moved it and didn't show what I had typed!!! So I tried to fix it!! Just hope whoever does read it can make sense of it!!! Kinda like how I feel All jumbled up!!!!

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