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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I don’t want to die.

I want very much to live.

You need to understand this, in order to read this post.

I WANT TO LIVE.

I want a HAPPY, FULL life.

So… now that you understand that… lets talk about what’s going on.

I want to hurt myself.

I think about taking a blade and cutting across the skin, drawing blood, and creating an intense pain.

I think about this frequently.

Usually while I’m fighting tears.

Why? you ask.  Never in my history of mental health have I been a cutter.  Never have I had that issue.  So why now?

Because nothing else is working.

Alcohol does not numb me enough.  Drugs (recreational & prescription) have not done anything. Eating only makes me feel like crap.

Nothing. Else. Is. Working.

I’ve been told that one grieves as hard as one loved.  The depth of my grief, the level of pain… it has surprised me.

I loved him.  I know I did.  We always talked about how I figured he loved me more than I loved him.  I know now that that was wrong.  That was so very very wrong.   Or if it was correct, then day-um he loved me so much.   In the end, I can’t quantify who loved whom more… all I know is that I loved him.  At the core of me, I loved him more than I knew.

And now I’m grieving over him.  I’m grieving for the loss of him, for the loss of our life together, for him.

And it fucking hurts.  It hurts so much I can’t breathe.  It hurts so much I can’t think. It hurts so much I can’t sleep.  It hurts so much I don’t know how to cope.

It’s sorta like childbirth.   The pain keeps coming, over and over and over, in waves, intensifying, getting you to a point where you don’t know that you can handle it anymore, begging for it to stop.

The joy of childbirth is that you know there will be an ending.  You know that there will a beautiful baby at the end of it.   There will be joy and happiness and the pain will go away.

Grief doesn’t work like that.

Grief doesn’t have a happy ending.  Grief doesn’t have joy and smiles and the pain DOESN’T GO AWAY.

I’m a writer.  I use writing to try to assuage the pain.  I use writing to try to get the feelings out so they don’t overwhelm me and take over my life.  It’s been fairly successful and workable.

It’s not working anymore either.

So I sit and wonder, when the pain gets so intense I can’t breathe or concentrate, if it would help if I cut.  I want the pain to stop.  Just for a moment. Just for a little while so I can enjoy life again.

I don’t want to die.  I just want to have something that will take away the pain.

I don’t cut.  I won’t cut.  I am more scared to go that route than I am of the pain I’m feeling.  But I think about it.  A lot.  I think about it would feel to just control the pain for just a little while.

There’s research out of the UK that suggests that someone can die of a broken heart.  Some days, the pain is so intense, it feels like that.

I miss him.  I didn’t know someone could hurt this much.  I didn’t think I could.    If I could go back 14 years, knowing what I know now… I’d still live my life the way we did.  I wouldn’t change anything other than trying to get healthy sooner and taking better care of ourselves, but I’d still take the chance that I’d lose him too soon again and have the joy of those years.

I’m not suicidal.  I’m sad.  And grieving.  And it fucking hurts.

First posted on my personal blog on October 4, 2012 – but as I am coming up on the 1st year anniversary – it’s hitting me again

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Comment by smit09 on June 14, 2013 at 6:30am

 

It's a totally crazy web of emotions weaved around the heart and soul especially when approaching the one year date.  You think that you should be proud of yourself for getting through all of the firsts, and that you're getting the hang of widowed life and have some what of a handle on your grief, and then BAMMMM! all of the strength and courage that you built for yourself comes crashing down in front of you, beside you and behind you and you're left in a saddened/angered daze.  It's not easy.

you got through that first year, and there are many years to come... you'll get that strength and courage back. but... heads up... you may be re-re-posting this blog again when facing your second year...

this september will be 2 years for me and I totally feel the negative, sinister emotions flooding back in my heart, mind and body.

Comment by missincin (Dan) on June 13, 2013 at 1:27pm

Jane: I wasnt judging you. I was worried about you. If you know a cutter then you know what I mean. Its the begging of a slippery slop and doesnt end well from what I've witnessed. You always seem to have the bright outlook, moving forward in a happy life. Then I read this. Thats why I wrote my comment but not to judge you. If you felt that way Im sorry. Now get up to the top of the world and have fun.

Comment by momtofourkids (Jane) on June 12, 2013 at 6:44pm

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.  

@Dan - I don't. I won't.  I just have this almost overwhelming urge TO cut.  But I'm very cognizant of the fact that it is not a good coping method.  This is the place I can vent and talk about my feelings - I thought without judgement of what those feelings are. 

Comment by MissingRKK on June 11, 2013 at 6:08pm

Jane, I am holding you up in my heart. 

Comment by missincin (Dan) on June 11, 2013 at 6:07pm

Wow. And if that doesnt work? Try it again? and if that doesnt work? I know I dont have the answers that you need. None of us do, if we did we'd be millionares or maybe sainthood. Jane does cutting stop the hurt? No, it may cause more than you already have. What do your children think? is this something you want them to understand as a way around things. Thats its OK when they are hurting? You wrote "It fuckin hurts". and I agree with that. You could use any curse word and it still doesnt drive home the point. This pain is soul changing, undescribile and is the worse anyone can face. You have faced this pain everyday for a year and maybe in another month it will be better. I try to think how did other survive this back maybe a hundred years, maybe two hundred. I tell myself they did it. They survived. They didnt have all we have today and they made it. So will we. Iv'e read this so many times "Just one breath at a time" and its so true. Dont do to your body what your emotions are doing to you soul. You are stronger.

Comment by robinslove on June 11, 2013 at 5:32pm

Jane,

Jane, please don't go that route. I totally understand the impulse (it has crossed my mind as well), but it is not helpful. Believe me when I say that. All of us here at WV understand that searing, burning, soul-ripping pain. If you can't write it out, try to get it out in a physical way. I know you may not feel like exercising, but would you consider buying a punching bag? I have one and sometimes it helps to go out and just whale on it until I am exhausted. Sometimes I even yell and scream at it while I am punching it. I am reminded of the scene in Steel Magnolias after Shelby's funeral when Sally Fields character says" I want to hit something until it feels as bad as I do."

          

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 11, 2013 at 3:31pm

I feel your words, Jane, and I hurt for you. I hurt for all of us. The first anniversary is hard. No way around it. I like how oceangirl describes it: "Grief has become an uneasy companion." I'm approaching 3 years this Fall and that's a good description of how I feel. You will get there, too, one day. I promise.

Comment by oceangirl on June 11, 2013 at 2:33pm

Jane - your words are powerful, and so very true. I feel every one of them. I will tell you (from 5 years out) that things change. I still have times that bring me to my knees. It's just that...I don't know, grief has become an uneasy companion, but one I'm more familiar with. Do you journal? I'm a writer, too, and getting the good, bad and especially ugly down in print is a catharsis, at least for that moment. Hugs and peace to you - Marsha

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