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i'm very lonely. My husband passed May 1, 2014. He was on facebook nd had many followers so i had to let them know. At first I got  iot of support and stayed on there. I found there were some people that didn't have the same christian beliefs I had and some were trying to indoctrinate me into weird things.There were also things i found out about my husbands private life that were upsetting to me. I started my own facebook page, but i was kind of forced into it. While i was talking to friends of my husbands one man kept writing me and i would return w/a response. I wasn't out looking to meet anyone but i developed a crush that became an obsession. He unfriended me on my husbands site b/c he wanted me to get my own site. I didn't know that and it was painful. We continued to talk on the new site until i even thought of traveling to england to see him. He has chronic pain issues and sleeps long naps in the afternoon, sometimes into the night and i don't get to tlk to him. I have been very trapped by this relationship, with lots of ups and downs. we would talk on the phone and i would feel good but on the days he didn't come on i was very down. I have no other life nd don't leave my house much, i'm afraid to go out as little as possible. recently things haven't been very consistant w/this man, and in spite of losing other frienships w/people I can't seem to let him go. He keeps his phone off the hook most of the time. I'm sick today physically and mentally. I go to counseling every week in case u want to suggest that and take medications.I am very depressed.

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Comment by missmyhunny on September 8, 2014 at 1:34am

little lamb, First of all my heartfelt condolences for your husband's passing. I'm sorry you find yourself in such an overwhelming  relationship with this man that you mention, but it has only been a few short months since your husband died, and i think right now you are still very new to your grieving and you are probably vulnerable too.

It is flattering when someone else pays us attention, but from what you are writing it doesn't sound as if this new man is exactly what you need right now. You say you are "trapped", with lots of ups & downs, and there is lack of consistency with him too.  And if it is this new person that is making you feel sick and depressed, then i really don't think it would be healthy for you to continue with him, and maybe you need to let him know  how you are feeling to set things straight in his mind too, and just let him go for now, and if he is really wanting to be there for you he will wait realizing all you are going through. I know  that is probably easier said than done though.

I would also discuss the issue with your counselor and your counselor being a professional could give you some good advice  on how to deal with it all.

Comment by only1sue on August 24, 2014 at 3:50pm

Hi little lamb, sounds like you have painted yourself into a corner. I think what you have is a "rebound love" one where your need overwhelmed you and so you accepted a friendship that you would not have done at another time.  I think you need to get back in contact with old friends and whatever family members you have, find some new hobbies, fill your life with busyness so that you don't need to have this friend be such a large figure in your life. And some grief counselling would be good.  I had six sessions two weeks apart at the four month stage as I was drowning in tears and knew that was not normal for me.  the counselling did help me get back on track, to feel more in control, more myself again.

I know what it is to be lonely, at almost two years out I am lonely too.  But I know if I do ever find love again I want to be a whole person so I can offer someone else the very best of me.  I also know that my new love witll have to be a cmplete person too with their own agenda, their own lifestyle etc.  At my age that is a bit difficult to understand how this could happen but it has happened to others so it may happen to me and to you too. There is a better life for you for sure than the one you are living right now.

Comment by laurajay on August 24, 2014 at 3:31pm

dear littlelamb    You already know that this relationship at this time is making you ill.  I have no authority or training to advise you.  just opinion.   two words you mentioned in your blog..."Christian beliefs".  Those words tell me you know right from wrong and you know right now you feel pretty far away from what you know as a Christian to be truth in life.  I am not going to preach but I am going to suggest in addition to your weekly counseling  you seek spiritual enrichment.  Do you have a church you attend or if not, is there a well populated church where you go to talk to a priest or minister or pastor?  Someone who would keep your confidence and help you to break the ties that are binding you to this man.  It's very hard to do what you have to do alone and people here can only listen and share their story and suggest.  There are no experts here so you need to seek further, near you for a plan.  Please call and find spiritual guidance.

It is so easy when we lose our spouse to want nurture and company---someone to ease the pain...but littlelamb  we have to surrender to the grief and work through it little by little.  You are very new to your

loss and it's easy to understand why you feel the way you do but you yourself need someone to let you see what has been happening to you and to help you get away from the pull of this man.  Please seek local help.  In addition, try going back to church or prayer meeting.  Keep busy within the house with hobby or housework or anything that will keep your mind focused on life. Unless necessary, limit your time online and  do not call or write him.  Call an old girlfriend or keep a journal and write out your thoughts.  It's OK to feel depressed.  Grief is depressing. Processing guilt is exhausting.  NO ONE  can do your grieving for you and no other man can make it easy or make the pain go away.  Not long term.  On this site the vast majority of people who met someone very soon after their spouse died  regretted getting involved before they had a chance to grieve.  I have not heard of one person here who was happy they went into a physical/sexual affair right away.  They all expressed guilt and regret.  So,  hang in there  ll.   Seek Christian counsel.  Keep busy.

After you have grieved for whatever time you need,  you may find new love, new people to share your love with  and you will know it's right because you  will not feel sick  you will feel hopeful without obsession.  The pain will work through you and you will strengthen in time.  Limit your fb time and take your phone off the hook if you find yourself waiting for a call.  I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone and that you will survive this.  But since I can't  please accept this reply as  an indication that I believe the solution has already begun.     laurajay

Comment by Slater89 on August 24, 2014 at 1:47pm
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know how u feel, it's terribly depressing & lonely being on your own. I met someone right after my husband went away, he lived across the country from me but we would meet @ least once or twice a month in different cities. He was absolutely perfect & I enjoyed the travel. We continued to do this for 2yrs. He suddenly out of the blue kicked me to the curb. Not to go into the details, but it was cold the way he did it, not to mention I was completely blindsided. I went into complete meltdown because now I have no distraction & for the first time since my husband went away I'm faced with reality that I'm completely on my own. I sympathize w/you, it's an overwhelming & painful feeling. I just can't take it, I'm scared & don't know what to do.

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