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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I'm a few days away from it being 4 months since Jim passed away. A couple people I know and respect came to me last week both with the same concern that I'm not grieving, I'm avoiding. Aside from all the stuff I have had to take care of in the beginning, like we all do, Jim gave me a list of things to do. The first was I couldn't run away, the second make all my appointments and take care of me. Over the last few years I haven't done much of that and he was always worried, so over the last couple months I have constantly doing just that. They both agreed I need to get back on track medically, but their afraid I'm doing so much at one time I'm not allowing myself to grieve and by having so many things to do in a sense I'm running from myself and the emotions. One told me I need to be still to hear and listen. I kind of feel like they may be right but I don't understand why I would be doing it. I've always handled things head on. Any advice or thoughts will be much appreciated. Love and thoughts to you all.

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Comment by sis on April 29, 2019 at 7:13am

Those friends actually feel that they are being helpful, but grieving is a process that is much like fingerprints, and is different for each of us. I don't know if they have experienced the loss of a spouse, but until you do there is no way to understand what is happening. Every grief experience is different for each of us and we have to go through it at our own pace. Both my sisters lost there husband 10 or more years before I did, and even though we are blood, we all have our own ways to cope and handle things. I agree, just smile and thank them for thinking of you, but take care of things the way you need to and in your own time table. Only you know when that is. God Bless

Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on April 28, 2019 at 9:18pm

There is no road map , nor one size fits all in grief. It is a personal experience , and nobody has the right to determine if you are or are not grieving the way they think you should. , and i mean nobody.The simple fact that your are on this site and reaching out to those who walk the path of grief from 1 day to many years , shows much of who you are and where you are in your own journey, into the unknown. Right where you need to be, is where you are and each new day brings you one day farther along.. Those who mean well and have never been in our shoes, consider the source and disregard any ino that confuses you , and/or ask someone in your shoes if needed..Loving was the easy part, now grieving is the extension of that Love into a new life as the new you. Nobody has all the answers , but what can be given here in experience , can bring the knowledge we need to make it more understandable. Talk , Talk , Talk, to those who get it and remember only YOU know what is right for you. Best wishes in the days and years ahead...

Comment by laurajay on April 28, 2019 at 7:29pm

I'm  at  seven years...and  I can  tell  what  you  need  to do for  you   NOW  because everything  gets  harder  as you  age  and  there is a tendency  to kinda  of forget  the  things  you  need  to do to  stay  well.  Your  friends  are  meddling in strange  territory.   Smile,  nod  and then  ignore  them!!! When  your  mind  has  order  and  the  medical  is dealt  with...there  will  be  the rest  of  your  life  to grieve/mourn  etc. your beloved.  Handle  a  plan  for  finances  too.  Get  things  in  order  for  single  living.  Makes   it  easier  in  years  to come.  Don't  expect  these  respected  friends  to know  anything  about  what  you are going  through-  unless  widowed  they  haven't  an  honest  clue.  4 mo  is  no time  at  all.  Do  follow  your own  mind  and  heart now  because the  stillness  and  listening  will  come  when  the  time comes  for  your  soul to seek  comfort  and  understanding.    Self  care  is extremely  important  now-  only  you  to truly care  about  you-  do  it.    Hugs~  laurajay

Comment by Dee1960 on April 28, 2019 at 5:39pm

Agree with Barb, plus 4 months is too soon for people "giving advice" -- there's all the legal junk you have to do, getting death certificates, changing legal stuff, funeral (if you had one) stuff -- don't let other people tell how it's done. We all do it at our own pace. You may find yourself, one day, being still to "hear and listen" -- but one step at a time. Do take care of yourself. Sorry for your loss. 

Comment by vintage56(barb) on April 28, 2019 at 4:55pm

You are doing what you need to do, for you. Don't let other people tell you where you need to be in the grief process. Not everyone is the same.

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