I quit taking care of other people. I quit making decisions. I quit being responsible.
I just can't handle any of it right now. I don't want to burden other people with my grief so I keep it mostly to myself (and here!), but that is the most I can do for other people. I can't take care of their emotions or any other needs. It is just too much. When people ask me what restaurant I want to go to, or what time I want to meet somewhere, or where I want to go my response is always "I don't care. Whatever works for you." They think I'm being polite, but I'm not. I literally don't care. It doesn't matter, none of it matters to me. It will matter to them. I know this because these things used to matter to me. But in light of everything that has happened to me in the last ninety days, none of it matters. If I have a preference or an opinion, I'll speak up, but otherwise I just don't care.
I was my fiance's caregiver until his very last breath. I held his hand, I crushed up the pills so they were easier for him to swallow, I helped him in the bathroom and in the shower, I made sure he was comfortable. I made the decision to call hospice. I had to explain to him what it all meant because he stopped understanding what was happening to him. He said at our last doctor's visit, so "it is like we are going home and all just going to wait for me to die." I had to explain to him about the pain management and keeping him comfortable. I had to explain how much easier it would be then having to go to the hospital if he needed something. I had to talk him down from his delusions. In the last few days, I made the decision whether or not to give him more or less medicine. Now I'm deciding for myself, but those decisions are just as hard. I'm deciding financial matters I thought were years away. I'm deciding what to keep and what to sell. So many decisions.
Those were difficult decisions for me to make. They were difficult because of the love I had for that man. They were difficult because I'm young and still feel like a college kid most of the time. They were difficult because they made me face a reality I was largely in denial about. Those decisions profoundly impacted me. And I'm still dealing with them everyday even three months later when I can't go back and change any of them.
So I quit. I quit making trivial decisions that don't matter to me. I quit catering to other people's feelings. I quit taking responsibility for others because I can't. And because I'm tired. I wish the people in my life could understand this rather than get annoyed with me because I just refuse. But I've also quit trying to explain myself.