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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I quit taking care of other people. I quit making decisions. I quit being responsible. 

I just can't handle any of it right now. I don't want to burden other people with my grief so I keep it mostly to myself (and here!), but that is the most I can do for other people. I can't take care of their emotions or any other needs. It is just too much. When people ask me what restaurant I want to go to, or what time I want to meet somewhere, or where I want to go my response is always "I don't care. Whatever works for you." They think I'm being polite, but I'm not. I literally don't care. It doesn't matter, none of it matters to me. It will matter to them. I know this because these things used to matter to me. But in light of everything that has happened to me in the last ninety days, none of it matters. If I have a preference or an opinion, I'll speak up, but otherwise I just don't care. 

I was my fiance's caregiver until his very last breath. I held his hand, I crushed up the pills so they were easier for him to swallow, I helped him in the bathroom and in the shower, I made sure he was comfortable. I made the decision to call hospice. I had to explain to him what it all meant because he stopped understanding what was happening to him. He said at our last doctor's visit, so "it is like we are going home and all just going to wait for me to die." I had to explain to him about the pain management and keeping him comfortable. I had to explain how much easier it would be then having to go to the hospital if he needed something. I had to talk him down from his delusions. In the last few days, I made the decision whether or not to give him more or less medicine. Now I'm deciding for myself, but those decisions are just as hard. I'm deciding financial matters I thought were years away. I'm deciding what to keep and what to sell. So many decisions. 

Those were difficult decisions for me to make. They were difficult because of the love I had for that man. They were difficult because I'm young and still feel like a college kid most of the time. They were difficult because they made me face a reality I was largely in denial about. Those decisions profoundly impacted me. And I'm still dealing with them everyday even three months later when I can't go back and change any of them. 

So I quit. I quit making trivial decisions that don't matter to me. I quit catering to other people's feelings. I quit taking responsibility for others because I can't. And because I'm tired. I wish the people in my life could understand this rather than get annoyed with me because I just refuse. But I've also quit trying to explain myself. 

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Comment by Callie2 on May 13, 2015 at 6:53pm
You've earned the right to quit doing anything you want to quit. What you describe are coping techniques. I recall making my lists of priorities for the day-- I also put off all things that I could. Made sure I took care of business, but the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive people, stay away from those that feel the need to dump their problems on someone. This is your time of need.
Comment by gennaswife on May 12, 2015 at 8:04pm
Just drift- just make sure you survive at this point. As more time passes you will get stronger things will come into focus and you will persevere.
Comment by Sad One on May 12, 2015 at 5:18pm

CadJ02, I am so sorry for your loss. Words escape me. He is your Angel now. Hugs!!!

Comment by laurajay on May 12, 2015 at 2:39pm

oh sweetheart...how unfair for someone just starting out to experiencing joy to meet grief head on.  I have no questions but I want you to know I will hold you in prayer that comfort finds you and acceptance heals you and life finds you and offers you more so that the future you have will be a good one.  hugs  lj

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