This was my first Memorial Day weekend without Toby. We always went out to the cabin in Idaho and did our hikes, boating, and kayaking. Since I am by myself now, I decided to drive to Seattle. I thought I should do something different and not join the family at the cabin (the cabin is also where he died). I made the drive over and stayed at my sister’s place with her new husband. It was good to see her. I hadn't seen her since the fall because of the snow on the pass. The three of us all went to dinner & drinks at the local pub. They had a few too many gin & tonics and were feeling it. I smiled at how funny the two of them were together, but internally I was so lonely, lost, and craving my husband. I sucked it up of course. I didn't want them to think I was sad or that I didn't enjoy their company. They began singing Karaoke and it was dreadful. hahahaha.... finally I got them out of the pub and home where we all decided we had enough and went to bed. I laid in bed and cried because I felt so alone.
The next day I woke in a fog. I must of been oozing the loneliness from my pores because I found my sisters dog on my bed with his head on my stomach. It was so sweet. I actually started to cry again because I lost my husband’s dog after the New Year. So I was sniffling from missing my husband and also missing our dog. The three of us loved our weekends in the spring and summer filled with lots of hikes together. All I could think about was how lost I felt. How alone I felt. How lonely my life has become. How out place I was feeling with family. I felt horrible feeling like this because my sister was in the other room ready to go do whatever I wanted, and all I wanted was Toby and Daytona. I wanted them. I wanted my life back.
Once I got over my private pity poo party I managed to pull myself together and go shopping & a baseball game with my sister and brother in law. It was a low key evening and it was a nice event. Later that evening I decided I would head back home Sunday afternoon. I was feeling too anxious and awkward about my life and it was making me more and more depressed. So I left back home Sunday Afternoon.
As I drove down the highway to get to the Snoqualmie Pass, memories of my husband flooded my brain. All the trips we took in the very car I was driving. How Daytona would shake from the car ride, but bounce out so excited to be free of the car and out in the woods. I ended up pulling over on the side of the road because I was crying so hard.
As I sniffled over the flood of memories, something came over me in that moment. Something kept telling me to say it out loud. You need to say it out loud. Erin.... say it..... say it out loud.
I stared out the front window of my Tahoe. I took a deep breathe...... and I said, "He's dead. Toby is dead." A rush of anger, loss, sickness, grief, anxiety, and everything else over the almost 11 months came bubbling out in a deep wail of a cry. I hadn't said it out loud. I've said "he died of....", "my husband passed away”, "my late husband", "he's no longer here". But I have never said out loud "he's dead".
Something about those words just rocked the core of my soul. It was like I was peeling away another layer of the fog, the denial, or the remaining hope that this all was a horrible nightmare.
I finally said it out loud. It was to myself, but I said it out loud.