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This was my first Memorial Day weekend without Toby.  We always went out to the cabin in Idaho and did our hikes, boating, and kayaking. Since I am by myself now, I decided to drive to Seattle. I thought I should do something different and not join the family at the cabin (the cabin is also where he died).  I made the drive over and stayed at my sister’s place with her new husband.  It was good to see her.  I hadn't seen her since the fall because of the snow on the pass.  The three of us all went to dinner & drinks at the local pub.  They had a few too many gin & tonics and were feeling it.  I smiled at how funny the two of them were together, but internally I was so lonely, lost, and craving my husband.  I sucked it up of course. I didn't want them to think I was sad or that I didn't enjoy their company. They began singing Karaoke and it was dreadful. hahahaha.... finally I got them out of the pub and home where we all decided we had enough and went to bed. I laid in 
bed and cried because I felt so alone.

 

The next day I woke in a fog. I must of been oozing the loneliness from my pores because I found my sisters dog on my bed with his head on my stomach.  It was so sweet.  I actually started to cry again because I lost my husband’s dog after the New Year. So I was sniffling from missing my husband and also missing our dog.  The three of us loved our weekends in the spring and summer filled with lots of hikes together.  All I could think about was how lost I felt. How alone I felt. How lonely my life has become. How out place I was feeling with family.  I felt horrible feeling like this because my sister was in the other room ready to go do whatever I wanted, and all I wanted was Toby and Daytona.  I wanted them. I wanted my life back. 

 

Once I got over my private pity poo party I managed to pull myself together and go shopping & a baseball game with my sister and brother in law.  It was a low key evening and it was a nice event.  Later that evening I decided I would head back home Sunday afternoon. I was feeling too anxious and awkward about my life and it was making me more and more depressed.  So I left back home Sunday Afternoon. 

 

As I drove down the highway to get to the Snoqualmie Pass, memories of my husband flooded my brain.  All the trips we took in the very car I was driving. How Daytona would shake from the car ride, but bounce out so excited to be free of the car and out in the woods. I ended up pulling over on the side of the road because I was crying so hard. 

 

As I sniffled over the flood of memories, something came over me in that moment.  Something kept telling me to say it out loud.  You need to say it out loud.  Erin.... say it..... say it out loud.

 

I stared out the front window of my Tahoe. I took a deep breathe...... and I said, "He's dead. Toby is dead."  A rush of anger, loss, sickness, grief, anxiety, and everything else over the almost 11 months came bubbling out in a deep wail of a cry.  I hadn't said it out loud. I've said "he died of....", "my husband passed away”, "my late husband", "he's no longer here".  But I have never said out loud "he's dead".

Something about those words just rocked the core of my soul. It was like I was peeling away another layer of the fog, the denial, or the remaining hope that this all was a horrible nightmare.  

 

I finally said it out loud. It was to myself, but I said it out loud.

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Comment by Patience (Diane) on July 1, 2014 at 11:28am
Yes I agree it helps to say it out loud ((((hugs))))
Comment by Mariposa on July 1, 2014 at 10:24am

Indiakai- I could so relate to what you wrote about, and speaking it out loud is a step to moving forward, especially when it unleashes the pent up emotions. Tears are healing. I had a tough time during the month of June because of father's day and memories of the first visit to MD Anderson that happened just before Father's Day 2011, which was to be my husband's last.  Grief has a life of its own, and the waves will come and crash down over you, but we have to keep struggling, keep gasping for breath, and keep trying to cross the ocean of grief.  Peace be with you.

Comment by my roses on July 1, 2014 at 5:00am

My roses

Dear Indiakai   I am glad you shared your story.  Honestly wailing and howling do release the deepest and most 'ancient' human feelings.  The deepest pain you can possibly know.  We in the West are not prone to doing this but you  can see it happening in the Middle East.  Perhaps its easier because those around you understanding wailing.  It is also an astounding feeling to hear this primeval howl welling up from one's throat - I found that I was sort of listening to this... as if was  not part of the ME  I knew.  I was lucky that this happened at home, and  when a long term friend was there. I was bent double over  a  'walker" as I had broken my leg.  (This was really the last straw)  He came over and put his arm under my body and lifted me to an upright position.  He allowed me to go on howling with no SHOULDS.. He said when you feel a bit better I will take you out for some lunch.  A long time friend (my matron of honour) rang a few mins later ) and  he told her my situation and she could hear me in the background.  The calmness that he portrayed allowed me to get a tremendous load off my soul, my body and my mind.  I am reminded really of a baying hound... animals wail.. perhaps they are wiser than we are... who try to stifle the most  terrible sorrow anyone can have.  I went for many months (crying and or sobbing) but did not wail again until about  4 mths ago.  I was in a car and  the tears began as I was driving.  Had to stop and park and continue to wail.. putting radio on to drown the noise.. as I was sure someone would come past from the shops and ask me if I needed to go to hospital.. ha ha... Have had more than enough of hospitals.   I am not pain free by any means but that howl was my brokeness... leg broken, heartbroken, body broken in half, all that was left was the spiritual link like a ribbon stretching between me and my beloved.  I was still attached to him and him to me - the cord has not broken.  It seems so much easier in those realms,  it is the wretched earthly one which is so damaged.  My soul took the pain there is no doubt about that.  But it was more resilient than the rest of me.  I am very grateful that my friend could withstand this and let me wail. 

Comment by rodsgurl09 on June 3, 2014 at 10:15am

(((Hugs))) what a raw, powerful moment. So many of them are, when you're a widow.... hoping it was a bit releasing and not just painful.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 1, 2014 at 7:55pm

I agree that speaking those words has power. So hard though. I'm sorry, Erin. 

Comment by IndiaKai on June 1, 2014 at 12:14pm

Thank you. Hugs to you all too.  

Comment by MissingRKK on May 30, 2014 at 9:47am

((IndiaKai))  I have found the physical act of speaking out the painful words to be so powerful. A physical spoken release or outlet for grief. So hard to say out loud. HUGS

Comment by Donnavida on May 30, 2014 at 8:50am

indikai- i related so much to all you wrote, feeling awkward with your family...even knowing they'd do anything for you ..the pain and loneliness and that all-encompassing desire of wanting your life back..wanting things to be different..and the tears...

so sorry and so sad, for you, for me, for everyone on here, for everyone who has lost someone .....

if saying that hard true thing out loud helped you; good for you!  sometimes it does seem like there is something we can scream or say or think and it breaks through everything else somehow...gives us that bit of foothold we need, when we need it to climb one step (inch?) higher...towards whatever is waiting that is better than this...

Comment by Doug02122014 on May 30, 2014 at 5:32am
Erin

So liberating! I have never thought of that. I like you have always said my wife passed of ... Etc.

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