It's been a while since I have written on here, but I need a safe space and this is my only safe haven.
I scream and cry.
I can't find my footing or a place here in this new reality.
Toby's been gone for over 3 years and I'm still struggling.
I went thru his things.
I rented out our home.
I moved 3000 miles.
I have a new someone my life in .
I started a new career.
I started fresh....
But still.... I struggle with being happy.
I'm still so lonely...
I feel so alone in this new place I have moved. Even more alone than before. It was suppose to better. But......i'm isolated even more now.
I miss my friends and family.
I miss my town.
I miss what was familiar. I don't know if that is good or bad because I had so many triggers for my PTSD.
My triggers just seem to have shifted. Altered. Made a new commitments to fuck me over in a new place.
I have a new person in my life. An old friend I trust. He loves me and I do love him.
It's been over a year. A troubled year, but it's been a year. He loves me....I can see it in his eyes.
I can hear it in his voice...
I don't love him as deeply or passionately as I loved Toby.
That hidden secret....I just don't want to be alone.
I don't want to grow old alone.I had no children with Toby.
I fear I will grow old alone and forgotten.
Fear still grips me.
Even 3 1/2 years later.
Even after moving and starting over.
Fear still gets me and can knock me on my face.