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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It's been a while since I have written on here, but I need a safe space and this is my only safe haven.

I'm lost. 

Still.

I'm hurting. 

Still.

I scream and cry.

Still.

I can't find my footing or a place here in this new reality.

Still.

Toby's been gone for over 3 years and I'm still struggling.

I went thru his things.

I rented out our home.

I moved 3000 miles.

I have a new someone my life  in .

I started a new career.

I started fresh....

But still.... I struggle with being happy.

Being sane. 

I'm still so lonely...

I feel so alone in this new place I have moved. Even more alone than before. It was suppose to better. But......i'm isolated even more now.  

I miss my friends and family.

I miss my town. 

I miss what was familiar. I don't know if that is good or bad because I had so many triggers for my PTSD.

My triggers just seem to have shifted. Altered. Made a new commitments to fuck me over in a new place.

I have a new person in my life.  An old friend I trust. He loves me and I do love him. 

It's been over a year. A troubled year, but  it's been a year. He loves me....I can see it in his eyes.

I can hear it in his voice...

But

I don't love him as deeply or passionately as I loved Toby.

That hidden secret....I just don't want to be alone. 

I don't want to grow old alone.I had no children with Toby. 

I fear I will grow old alone and forgotten.

Fear still grips me. 

Even 3 1/2 years later. 

Even after moving and starting over.

Fear still gets me and can knock me on my face. 

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Comment by Talisker (Steve) on October 23, 2016 at 4:43pm

My wife had been married for 43 years and I for 30 when our spouses died. We will not replace our spouses. but we are also more mature in our outlook than when we were each first married.  I believed there was space in our hearts for each other, and have made it so. Next month we will celebrate our 9th anniversary, and are hoping for many more.

Comment by Mary H on October 23, 2016 at 3:37pm

Callie is right, and she brings up an important point.  How can we love someone as deeply as the one we lost, when that love itself built up over time.  When I think of my own husband, the way I loved his at one year was not as deep as the way I loved him at twenty years.  I think that all of us who choose to move on are going to have to come to terms with this truth, and find a way to acknowledge it without letting it sabotage our new relationships.

Comment by Callie2 on October 23, 2016 at 10:15am
I remember thinking that when I reached a certain length of time, whether it be two, three, five years-I would be feeling more positive and the pain and all the memories of his death would somehow float away and I would feel normal again. In reality, it doesn't happen that way. We cannot replace our spouses with someone new. New relationships take time to deepen and mature but it has to be with the right person, not someone who may be a great "fit" and a really nice person. We can't make that feeling "happen". It may grow with time, yet it may not.

We have to figure out what is right for us. There are some here that have moved from their marital homes and have found comfort by doing that. It's hard knowing what to do--sometimes we think we have to do something to make ourselves feel better, but the grief follows us around. Give yourself a little more time, grief takes its time with us. Understand that it doesn't float away, it stays with us but in time it feels less intense and allows us to move ahead with our lives. Our spouses will continue being a part of who we have become. Be patient with yourself, you will be fine.
Comment by oceangirl on October 19, 2016 at 3:12pm

IndiaKai, I'm glad you shared. I just can share from my own experience. At 3 years, I was running on fumes. It seemed to me that I should have been in a different place, but I wasn't, not really. I mean, yeah, I pointed out to myself all the things I had accomplished - and yes, there were accomplishments, and I was proud of them. But it seems to me now, much later on,  that there's an external and an internal life. What was apparent on the outside and what was inside. It sounds to me like you're trying to live up to the new life you've made, but you're still trying to get the gist of it. You should be proud of yourself, for your strength and fortitude thus far. But - what you're feeling is absolutely valid. The advice given at the beginning is still true - a day at a time, you know? Hugs to you - Marsha

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