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something I wrote to Spence tonight, thought I'd share:
One thing I wish that I would have been more in tune with when you were alive is what YOU wanted to go and do. If I regret one thing, it is that I never jumped up and got excited about the things that you expressed you wanted to do, or would enjoy doing if we were given the chance.
For example, two things that pop into my head, going to yard sales and going to movies.... two of the things you were always wanting to do. Man I wish we could have at least went to movies more often.
I'm not a huge movie fan. I'd rather go to dinner, bowling, walking, anything so that we can actually talk. Spend time together and share stories or talk about life. I'm one who loves a conversation. And I guess that's not a bad thing, it's okay to like those things, but when it came down to either going to a movie or staying home, I'd usually rather just stay home thinking we could do something fun, have that conversation. Watch a movie but have the perk of pausing it if something came to mind. Have the perk of kissing you if I wanted. Having the perk of fooling around if the need arose. Or having the perk of stopping the movie altogether to go lay in bed with you. The thought of what we COULD possibly do if we didn't go out always seemed more appealing in my mind than going out with you and sharing an adventure -- even if it was just going to the movies.
But alas, when we would stay home, that never seemed to happen. You either ended up sick and not up to doing anything but sleeping (9.5 times out of 10) or we just resorted to old habits -- playing on the computer alone, you watching TV by yourself, reading a book separately, you napping while I sat there upset that we weren't doing anything. We did spend quality time together, don't get me wrong, we had plenty.... but sometimes not in a way that very often led to great memories that we'd remember forever.
However if we would have went to those movies, how many times do you think we would have made a memory that I could now look back on and smile at? Just a thought. I just think of the many times when I asked you what you wanted to do and you said, "Lets go see a movie" I would tell you I had to be in the mood to sit through a movie at a theater and I didn't want to go. Now that I think about it -- movies were something you COULD do.. No wonder you wanted to do it a lot. It was something to do rather than stay around the house. Yes getting up and out of the house was still hard for you, but going to a movie didn't require much energy for you. You could just sit there with your oxygen, not moving around and fully enjoy yourself. I didn't look at it that way when it came down to it. I always wanted to be active... something you truly couldn't do.
Why couldn't I have listened to you... and just sucked it up and went. It was something to do. It was time together. I really, really wish I would have listened and went with you. I wish we would have been that couple who checked the movie listings every week, heck even every few days. One week you'd pick a movie you wanted to go to, and the next weekend it would have been my week. That way we both got our fair share of suffering through the other ones choice of movie ;-) Just kidding. Yours always turned out to be great.
I also wish we would have went to yard sales. You got into a habit of looking on KSL for sales going on and said on many occassions how you wanted to get up and go look around at what they had. I never wanted to go because I couldn't see how we had the money to spend on things that you might find. And I didn't know where we'd actually PUT anything that you found to get.
But honestly -- why couldn't we have gone? I was just making some horrible excuse because it wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't realize how selfish I was being and I wish that you would have spoken up, Spencer. I wish you would have told me how badly you wanted to go. I wish that some Friday night you would have just informed me that in the morning we were going to get up and go to such and such yard sale and afterwards go to iHop for breakfast or lunch. I truly didn't see my selfishness there.
I always wanted to do something fun, something that we would both enjoy, but several times I think it ended up being something that I wanted to do instead of something we BOTH wanted to do. You just went along with what I said instead of speaking up. Well I guess there were a few times you WOULD speak up and then I would get upset because "you never go with me and I'm sick of going alone".
Oh hindsight, right? Wish my eyes could have been more opened up to things like this. I guess if anything it's taught me how to be a little bit more sensitive to issues such as this.
I've noticed myself looking at movie listings a lot now. Thinking that I should go. I've also heard of several yard sales. I always think of you. And how we should have been doing more simple things like this, even if I didn't want to. How we should BE doing these things right now, together.
So I'm going to try to go to movies much more often and enjoy them. Do this in memory of you. Make up for all those times i told you that I didn't want to go. I'm going to explore different movies... you always had a way of picking out good movies and I told you that I wouldn't like them... then in the end I ended up loving it and really enjoying myself. So do me a favor, while I'm looking through movie listings, remind me to just watch the trailers of the ones I'm not so sure I'm going to like instead of skipping right over them. Remind me that I need to have an open mind so that I can explore different types. Guide me to the ones that YOU would normally pick to watch. Help me out here, Pea. :)
Even though I AM sensitive to other peoples needs, I think I could be just a little bit more. I think that I can open my eyes up just a little bit wider and not only focus on what another person wants, but why they may want it. And If I don't want it, or want to do it, really dig deeper into thinking about what I could possibly GAIN by doing it anyway. By really evaluating whether I have a legitimate reason for not wanting to go, or if I'm just being selfish by holding the other person, (or even ourselves) back.
I thought all the lessons that I could learn from you were already taught in our short time together. When you were alive and shortly after you died. But alas, your still teaching me lessons to this day, and probably will continue teaching me lessons for years to come as I continue to reflect on things such as these. <3