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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

In reflecting back a decade ago when I became a widow, there was much confusion about the meaning of "identity". There was a particular word that caused many flame wars, it was the word "independent". Many widows were hurt by it, they felt condescended &/or dismissed. Their role as a housewife, mother or low wage employee was seemingly reduced - interpreted as being a dependent similar to a child. Their love for their spouse that him/her happy & safe as well other contributions were unrecognized - blinded by grief ... 
This sensitivity spurred these angry young widows into action - posting everything they could think of. These flame wars started by one word brought out several unexpected results. Primarily, it boosted their morale in finally being able to look at themselves w/love & kindness. The anger broke through their self defeating ways to identify their worthiness as well as accept their shortcomings. This valuable & daily exercise of writing down my good qualities & those needing improvement curbed Fight Club beatings, kept my depression at bay, lifted my spririts/self esteem & gave me the strength to move on to other pressing issues ...
The other that is worthy of mention - an identity crisis during grief is similar to a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis can happen to the married, unmarried, successful people, etc. The difference appears to be the timing. I found the 4 Keys to Personal Growth & Transformation to be very helpful. The caveat is you must be ready ...
For now, whenever you think you want to beat up on yourself, remind yourself there are many more aspects to your identity beyond being a free spirit or having a career. There is the unacknowledged you as well as the unseen you (in transformation).
Be gentle & loving w/yourself - your emptiness will be filled ...

BTW - I'm not suggesting starting flame wars - only self awareness ...

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on May 24, 2018 at 5:18am

(((Rainy)))
Its like jumping down the rabbit hole - lost w/out a compass. Finding your way back is what you teach yourself in the time ahead ...
Its like Alice falling down the rabbit hole landing in Wonderland where nothing makes sense. Lost w/out a compass to navigate through her next phase of life ...
Finding your way back is what you teach yourself. Its best to let your emotions run free to learn how to recover from every grief attack. It will be your strength & guide in getting through this long journey. The battles we have all experienced in life have taught us how to navigate, however, this is now a distinct period when every step is filled w/processing raw emotions - some never experienced before. Its a burden akin to carrying your own cross down the Via Delarosa (Way of Suffering).
The pain is felt to know what to work on - to make sense of. Just know your own power to live (survival skills) is working double duty to keep you moving down the unknown path to find your amazing self again ...

Blessings

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 22, 2018 at 8:41am

I don't know about flame wars but yes, IDENTITY is a big problem for me.  I'm easing into my myself but it isn't easy.

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