A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
If I Wanted To Be Alone I Would Have Divorced My Husband Years Ago!
Typically October would have been considered my birthday month. As I got older I opted for a more subtle birthday week. My birthday always falls on Columbus Day weekend. Bill and I always looked forward to this weekend --albeit more me than him I as always anticipated I would receive unsolicited presents ;) -- we would either go to his favorite place, our cottage, or make plans with friends and most likely take a ride down to the beach and enjoy the beautiful fall weather.
Today my son, Alex (22), and I went for a drive to the beach. Its a short distance from his home at school. I brought my camera and was excited to see the cool place he wanted to show me that had cliffs and a great view of the ocean. I was hoping to get some nice shots of Alex mixed in with the scenery. We walked down the path just a short way when a couple, about my age, walked by us holding hands with a small cooler apparently going on a romantic rendevous. Tears began to sting my eyes. I turned on my heels and started walking back to the car explaining to Alex I had to leave. I wanted to be them! I wanted to be with my husband strolling carelessly as if we had all the time in the world together!
Bill and I started dating when I was 16. We were inseperable from the time we met. We also bickered from the time we met! lol We were kids and we grew up together. We faced many trials in our 25 year marriage and managed not only to stay together, but also stay in love. It wasn't always easy I can assure you that. There were many times I thought I should just divorce him it would be so much easier. I never could have because I loved him so deeply. I miss him, I miss his hugs/kisses and I miss his friendship. Bill was my best friend.
I feel so lost and so displaced. My husband and I planned our future together. This WAS NOT it! We had yet to celebrate milestone birthdays, see our children graduate college, greet new daughters-in-law, welcome future grandchildren and grow really old and wrinkly together.
I do not like this plan and in case anyone wants to know if I had wanted to be alone I would have divorced my husband years ago!
Views: 166
Comment
-
Comment by hendrixx2 on October 10, 2012 at 10:34am -
Hi Tammy,
DJ and i were kids when we met also, and during 40 years of marriage, we did many of those same things, right down to me pushing a wheelchair with her in it...it is hard to incorporate all we have shared and try to understand just what we really signed up for...after all, we really had no idea...that through it all we remained together and best friends makes these days a bit easier, and like you, I am truly glad we had them...wishing you Peace and Healing...
-
Comment by Susan B on October 7, 2012 at 10:13pm -
I have felt the jealousy too, at couples into retirement age, sharing and enjoying life together. This aloneness sucks and yet we have to shoulder on, day after lonely day. The best way I know of feeling better is to thank Keith for everything he gave me--a home to share and a garden to grow, animals to brighten our lives, hobbies to enjoy, traveling each September, just so many things. Yes, remembering those times can bring tears to my eyes, but also feelings of fulfillment and peace. I do my best to keep up with life, FOR HIM.
((((Tammy))))
susan b
-
Comment by janet on October 7, 2012 at 7:14pm -
Will be thinking of you Tammy.
-
Comment by zztech on October 7, 2012 at 4:11pm
-
AMEN!!! This is not what we signed up for indeed. But how do we go on? I wish I knew. Blessings go out to you I hope you can have a good day today.
-
Comment by SallyStarre on October 7, 2012 at 11:40am
-
Thinking of you Tammy. This is certainly not the life any of us planned. I am at the point where I realize that the life I loved is no longer and it is up to me to somehow find my way to feeling happiness again in the life that is. My husband had such a strong desire to live and I owe it to him and us.
-
Comment by Lori on October 6, 2012 at 2:45pm -
It's my husbands birthday on the 10th and we would have been married 25 years in november
I'll be thinking of you this weekend when i see couples and i too long to be them. And i pray you will feel him with you in a special way on your birthday.
-
Comment by Dianne in Nevada on October 6, 2012 at 1:57pm -
I understand how you feel, Tammy, and I, too, will be thinking of you next weekend.
Well said, Blue ... I had 41 years with my husband and they ended with me pushing that wheelchair, too. Certainly not what we thought our 50s/60s would bring us. People looking in from the outside can't possibly know what this is like for any of us.
I try not to make assumptions when I see those gray-haired couples enjoying a tender moment. Perhaps they were both widowed and have only just found one another. Perhaps they have just received some bad health news and are cherishing a special moment together. Or perhaps they're just the lucky ones who were able to grow old together.
Being alone for the first time in my life isn't easy and it surely is not what I want, but I am trying hard to make this work. To appreciate the good things I still have in my life, to find some beauty in each day. I'm not always successful. But I keep trying. It's what I feel I must do to honor those years I had with my husband.
-
Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 6, 2012 at 11:56am -
I so understand, John & I would see elderly couples.. holding hands or shopping.. and look at each other and say this will be us! Well all of us here, have had our dreams smashed. We had our spats and loved teasing each other. I too feel sad when I see couples argueing.. I want to Yell... and tell them to cherish each other...
It does "hurt" to see other couples.. but then I am Happy they do not have the pain that is in my heart.
Will be thinking of you this Columbus Weekend (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
-
Comment by Blue Snow on October 6, 2012 at 11:22am -
I was with my husband for 42 years and I miss him as my best friend most of all. For 12 years we were that elderly couple down the street that honeyspuddin commented about only I was the one pushing the wheelchair. Widowhood is hard no matter what your back story is. Tammy, I'll be thinking of you on Columbus Day.
-
Comment by Jackie (lvgma) on October 6, 2012 at 9:36am -
We were only married 10 1/2 years, but they were the best years of my life. I never knew love like I knew from him and mine for him. Im so jealous when I see other couples happy, and sad when I see others angry at earh other. I just want to scream " cherish every moment, love strong and dont let go." Everyday I wish mine was back, I can say that we both cherished our love, we both had been widowed before.
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!
Join Widowed Village