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If only u knew how much i.m missing u

Oh baby my sweet husband i scream uuuugggh then one heavy sigh as i look at your beautiful face in all the pictures around the house. I get up and walk to another room as if for a second trying to get away from the saddness and weight of grief i feel weighing on me after times of looking at photos until my mind goes to that unfullfiled future that we had talked about always together even growing old but then that when it happens the feeling of having to get away from those thought cause they only lead to more sadness guilt and grief. Noh how i miss you oh how i miss you. Every day that passes makes me feel the void even more the the next . everyday that your not here with us with me makes feel like i need you more than before. I look in the mirror and feel like i dnt even recognize the person staring back at me because without u i feel like lost my identity my courage my core. I hate that your gone i hate not being able to have that excited feeling allday until the moment i got to see you and look forward to being with you after you got off work.everyday i looked forward to seeing you sexy walk through our front door. U wld smell of the grill grease or oil from the fryers or sometimes maybe pancakes and syrup. I love you. And your kids love u. We are just trying to do what we can to be ok with you being gone avpid from physical sense . i try to encorporate you or what you believed in and what you might do or say in certain situations when i have to enforce the parenting by myself. I try to remind the kids of what you expected of them or i apologize when i know i.m not living up to what you would expect of me. I try to be firm in standards and their behavior or what theyve eaten or not eaten i remember your well stabalized consistency and usually fall short of it but continue to try despite everything. And even though i do believe i.m trying my best i still somehow now its not nearly as good as what could have been had you been here in that moment. I am half of a two parent team and to say the least i feel like an underdogg. But mostly i just miss you and it makes me question even the most deep of my core belief . my world doesnt make sense without u. We built this life every little nook and cranny puece by pieve baby to child lover to couple to married happily and now its just THE EVER AFTER

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Comment by MrsHill2015 on January 6, 2020 at 7:34am

Hi again, 

Thank you so much for the healing vibes you sent! I'm sending some right back. I was actually semi-ok for a few days. Christmas was nice, I had quite a bit of family over which distracted me. My friends and family helped alot and the kids each got some presents and were so happy. Since then has been really hard tho. Depressed. Low energy. No appetite. Bringing in the new year without my love was really hard. Its so so so so hard to face that this is our new reality. My 3 year old asks for his Daddie constantly. Our older ones are hurting but they get it, the baby is only 5 months so he's oblivious, but our 3 y.o. is really going thru it. He's used to seeing Daddie every single day and now he's just gone. He doesn't understand it. I too try not to cry in front of the kids. Its hard tho. It scares our oldest, and my 3 yo old again has shown me that it affects him because he's crying and being sad more now. Ugh i dont know. I hope that you're ok and your kids and that your holidays were ok as can be. I too am very glad for this site where we can support each other. This is a horrible journey and we cannot do this alone. People who haven't personally been through it just don't get it. Sending you love....

Comment by CryinCali on December 22, 2019 at 2:30am

Oops i dnt know if i accidentally sent or posted twice my bad trying to fugure this posting and message sending what not.

Comment by CryinCali on December 22, 2019 at 2:29am

Thank you for commenting on my post I appreciate when another reaches out it makes gives me that lil bit of hope i need so desperately in this world since i lost my husband.  I.m so sorry to hear about your husband and you being at the very end of your 4th pregnancy but it would mean the 1st pregnancy you didnt have your husband there by yourside to help cheer you on and do all the great things a husband does when we are about to bare a their child into the world .  it must have been scary I.m so sorry he didnt get to be there and that he didnt get to meet his own last child .aww my heart breaks for you.  And now you raising 4 kids all by yourself.  I hope you have family and or friend who are there for you to help you and support you and even if you dont I do believe that women carry with us a super power that helps us to succeed and be great against all odds. And even though I dont know you I am a woman and do know women like you and I who can make it through the first couple months can and will find ways to make it through to endure and to unconditionally love our children and raise them to be healthy well adjusted human beings.  Most nights i cry in silence to not wake my kids or frighten them but tonight i am thinking goid thoughts of stregnth and courage and sending those thoughts and feelings of goodness and peace so i hope a wave of calming emotion washes over you and helps relieve any fears and anxiety or worries even if its just for a few moments i hope you recieve the good feeling i.m sending your way.

Comment by MrsHill2015 on December 18, 2019 at 9:47am

I'm so so so so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband on 7/10/19. I was pregnant with our 4th child. I feel your pain through your words. I wish I could make it better for you, for all of us on here struggling and grieving. I am glad that you had him for the time you did, some people walk this Earth for a lifetime and dont find love. Im sorry for your children!!! Some cultures say that if a person has kids then they never really die, bc they live on through their kids. I'm sending you big virtual hugs, as well as love, light and peace....

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