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In my dreams I fall apart. It is all the hurt and anger I cannot allow myself to feel when I am awake. The dreams are strange but mundane at the same time, filled with moments from the day that just passed or the day to come and filled with my unrestrained anguish.  In my dreams, I cry and I scream and it is messy and uncontrolled and chaotic.

I feel so lonely so much of the time yet I can’t reach out, even when the opportunity is there. How are you?  Fine, I reply. I am not fine. Inside my body there is howling and screaming and it hurts. It physically hurts. What would happen if I replied truthfully? What would happen if I let myself fall apart during waking hours?  Would the screaming end? Would I disappear or disintegrate? It costs me so much to keep myself together.

I actually feel a bit better after waking from a shattered dream.

I am tired of being needy. But I need. I need. I need. I awaken many mornings with the plea, “help me, help me, help me” running on an endless loop in my head and it is only because the dog starts whining or one of the girls gets up and my day had to start that it comes to an end. The help arrives for that moment in the form of tasks to perform. Other needs to address.

But I need. I need company. I need someone to grieve with me. I need someone to show me that they miss Ron, too. I need someone to show their outrage that he is gone.  I need someone to help me make decisions. I need someone to hold me when the anxiety courses through my body. I need someone to warm my feet at night. I need someone to give me a break. I need someone to laugh with.  I need someone to lean against and to curl into. I need someone to put their hand on my back or to touch my face because they love to touch me. I need someone to acknowledge that my life is in tatters, even though it looks “fine” on the surface. I need someone to know how scary it is to be solely responsible for our daughters and to make decisions on their behalf with no sounding board, no rational counterbalance. I need someone to know how overwhelming it is to take care of the house and the car and the bills and the every last detail of our existences alone. I need to come to terms with some of the final decisions that were made about Ron’s care and I need to come to terms with not having the good bye that I wish we had. I need to come to terms with how we spent the last week of his life. I need the all-encompassing ache that permeates my body to ease.  I need someone to see the fatigue that resides behind my smile.  I need to find the small moments of lightness that do exist but are so infrequent these days. I need someone to ask me to tell them about Ron, to acknowledge the life I had, the life that Ron and I had, before they knew me.  I need Ron’s death to be acknowledged and I need to be offered condolences. Yes, even though it was almost 18 months ago. It is not too late to tell me you are sorry for his death. I need his loss to be recognized.  I need to find new small victories. The fact that I left the house and accomplished a task is not carrying the same weight it did when his death was so new and getting out of bed, getting dressed and feeding the girls a meal truly was an accomplishment and a victory. I need people to stop telling me about how great it is that they and their partner did something together or made a decision together or that their husband took care of the gutters or raked the leaves or cleaned out the mouse traps.  I need someone to do my dishes. I need someone to bring me a cup of coffee in bed on a Saturday morning.  I need to let more people in, let people get closer.  I need to fall apart.

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Comment by MissingRKK on November 1, 2013 at 5:46am

My Roses and Petal, thanks for your messages. Rose, that is really great that you are advocating for widows. 

I know that I am fortunate in so many ways. I do have friends and family who have stuck by me. I am just in a rough patch and I need to find some new ways to help myself feel better.  I know that the only one who can answer my help me plea is me and that I have to help myself feel better. No one else can do that.  I try to be alert and open to the kindnesses around me, which often come from unexpected sources,  and say yes to those who offer to help in the ways that they can. I think I am in the second year, 'holy shit, he really isn't coming back' stage.  Huge hugs to you both.

Comment by my roses on November 1, 2013 at 3:06am

My roses  Nov 1st 2013 to Missing RKK  

What a tremendous and honest WAIL  from the heart.  I feel all those things too. The need for someone to bring you a coffee in bed and smile  lovingly is the tiniest little thing... but is so necessary.  I have no relatives or children - my husband's children have virtually disappeared.  I did have some friends prior to Wes passing and they have remained.  I think because they stepped in when he got really ill - with massive prayers, visiting us, helping to clean out a pantry which had massive amount of food moths in it.

I have also  reached out to various other people - I think the thing is (I now realise) that I chose them. I did not wait for people to come to me.  Some are widows (we go for walks by the river).  Some are from a church (we sing together and can talk deeply about things), a former male friend of ours (who really cared about Wes) helped when I was injured, listened to me HOWL AND WAIL WITH the grief.   Others are widows that belonged to the same clinic (we talk on phone/email).  I have a lady chaplain I met in hospital and she journeys with me once a month at my home or a coffee shop.   This has meant that although NO ONE person CAN COME AND SEE ME EVERY WEEK.  Someone usually does and I go out with someone for a walk or concert.

Like you I yearn for more - that special touch, the look of love in  my beloved's eyes, the help with all the work, the broken items I cannot mend, the sorting out and paperwork.  I am so concerned about us widows that last week I went on a major radio station here and told the truth about widows both in your country and mine.  Amazingly the host of the program GOT IT.  I told him I was surprised.  He said it was the way I explained it.   Told me to get others to speak out on this program  and for us to also speak to his colleagues who were on the radio at different times or days.  ITS A START...   Here in Australia we have organisations that can help with gardening, domestic cleaning, voluntary driver transport to medical appointments etc.  Low cost or no payment at all.  Is there any organisation/service in your country?  Michael Bolton the singer in USA  has set up  an organisation for women in hardship and also is asking for men to look after their women and women in general. ie. be willing to stand against violence or whatever of women.

Sorry I cannot offer more support... but there really should be some organisation able to offer some help. I get someone in (no payment) to do some domestic work.  Any thing that helps me cope..however small.

with love to you.  We are being asked to do more than anyone should have to do... all on top of overwhelming grief.


Comment by Petal on October 31, 2013 at 6:23pm

Your blog is so heartfelt and honest.  Thank you for writing what I feel everyday.  I can relate to nearly everything you wrote.  Although I don't work or have children at home to push me into doing things, I do have some obligations here and there.  And that is often the only thing that gets me going each day.

I also need people - strangers, friends, family - to acknowledge my loss, even after 13 months.  I can put on a happy face easier now than in the beginning, but in no way is my heart any happier or my emptiness less.

My world is sad and hopeless and I don't know how to go on in a meaningful way.

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