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So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D.  It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun.  People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun.  Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours.  It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it was we... I was asked about things like do I own a kayak, and my response without even thinking about it was we own 2 kayaks.  This wasn't the royal we, it was just the habit that I have from years of speaking.  Some times I attempted to correct myself, sometimes I paused as my brain sorted this out before responding.  

As I continue down this very long road alone, I wonder when will the pronouns I use in common speech normalize? Will they ever normalize? My lawyer 4 months ago said I should remove my wife from the house title, I haven't contacted him back since he left that message even though I have a whole set of things I need his help to do.  It is our house, and if it isn't our house, it certainly is her house.  So some of this may be me holding on to something that I am not ready to let go of.  I recognize that it is just a small thing, it isn't even super meaningful, but taking full possession of the things we had build together feels somehow like disrespect.  I didn't get here alone, and so pretending I did just doesn't work for me.  This has always been in my nature, my managers have often scolded me for not taking credit for my portion of work, recognizing that sometimes I did most of the work while others on the team contributed much smaller portions.  I would always go in as it was a team accomplishment and refused to own the lion share of credit.  I am just not wired that way.  

I wonder how other people have dealt with this, when did it become easier for you to say I or me in a situation? When did you not choke on the we as you let it out of your mouth knowing that it was exposing you again to the look where the other person knows you are alone but you just included the other person who is no longer there?  And as you started to move toward the singular, was it like ripping open an old sore?

I find that as time continues to march forward, rather than the pain becoming easier it just shifts to other things.  I highlight her missing in new and seldom interesting ways.  An inability to move something she left somewhere even though it really doesn't belong where it is, a puzzle we started together still sitting unfinished, the weeds growing in the flower pot because she isn't there to remove them like she always did.  These are all part of adopting aspects of what was her into my life and doing the things she used to handle around the house.  And in so doing I becomes we even more.  I takes on both aspects of our natures, and in some ways when I think of things I still think of them from that perspective.  I used to like to do certain things before I met my wife, she didn't like them, so I stopped doing them, now that she is gone, when those types of things come up, I still avoid them because she wouldn't like them.  But what is truly stopping me? I am. 

Well, I know I have a long way to go, and a lot of growing to do still, eventually I will reach a new plateau and take the next step in this journey, but I know all the time my wife's spirit will still be floating there beside me and telling me what not to do :D.  And you know what, 9 times out of 10 she will be completely correct.  

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Comment by Lifeunknown17 on August 5, 2018 at 11:28am

this is pretty interesting. I hadn't actually thought about it.  i'm going to have to pay attention to conversation now. just to see how and what i say.  I know she is gone, and NOT coming back.  and it was always, US,WE, OURS with just about everything.  I do know, i do still often say WE. as in, we have some of those.  the mind is a very strange thing.  

i can also throw in the number of wife's.  As this was #3 for us both.  and funny, the other two marriages didnt matter, or come up. except at certain times, would 1st wife did that, or my second husband did that.  humans.  

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 25, 2018 at 5:45am

Flinching by others caused from referring to a dead spouse as "my" reveals their inner thought process as a person who is "replaceable" regardless of love - you can always have it again. It leaves room for remarriage as if their permission is needed. Some how, some way, some where in life they learned a deceased spouse is nothing more than to either be replaced or forgotten or both. "My" is equated to  suddenly shouting the "F" word to purposely stun them. Its not like we are soliciting a reaction of any type to the words of affection "my husband/wife". The contradicted thinking of some family members is strange making them appear weird or unbalanced & perfectly inconsistent in that my Mother was twice widowed (w/in 5 years). She was referred to legally as a widow of both husbands, however, with all family as my father's or stepfather's "wife" - not former wife, never widow even w/introductions. My father & stepfather were never called "former" - they are spoken of as 1st & 2nd husband ...

That reaction does not happen when all people speak in terms of their deceased as "my" mother, father, grandparents, child, etc. Its as if those loved ones will always be more meaningful as proof that blood is thicker than water. Nope! Of course, my rebutting that old saying is not understood either. What is certain is we learn a whole lot of crappola we'd prefer not to, but it does make us aware not to repeat them ...

Comment by Sad One on July 24, 2018 at 9:00pm

I know what you mean. It's been 7 years since my Hubby died. And still when I speak of him to my friends or acquaintances, I refer to him as "my Husband", and in response, I get flinched or strange looks, and even get asked, "oh, did you get married again?" To which, then I get taken aback, and find myself in an uncomfortable situation where I have to explain who (MY HUSBAND) i am referring to. I know, there must be some social norm, where one refers to one's departed spouse, as 'belated or late'. But I don't and I won't do it. To me, he is still my Husband, whether he is with me in body or in spirit. And non-widowed people just don't get it.

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on July 20, 2018 at 6:21pm

At 11 years out, I still "we", "ours" & "his" even though Bob's name is no longer on any documents of ownership ...

Its not a big deal for me, however, I have witnessed friends & family flinch as if I am clinging onto Bob in some unheathly manner. Its bizarre to see them act crazy! :-)

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on July 12, 2018 at 5:01pm

Hugs to you Tony!  Miss you in chat.  You'll get there.

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