So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D. It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun. People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun. Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours. It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it was we... I was asked about things like do I own a kayak, and my response without even thinking about it was we own 2 kayaks. This wasn't the royal we, it was just the habit that I have from years of speaking. Some times I attempted to correct myself, sometimes I paused as my brain sorted this out before responding.
As I continue down this very long road alone, I wonder when will the pronouns I use in common speech normalize? Will they ever normalize? My lawyer 4 months ago said I should remove my wife from the house title, I haven't contacted him back since he left that message even though I have a whole set of things I need his help to do. It is our house, and if it isn't our house, it certainly is her house. So some of this may be me holding on to something that I am not ready to let go of. I recognize that it is just a small thing, it isn't even super meaningful, but taking full possession of the things we had build together feels somehow like disrespect. I didn't get here alone, and so pretending I did just doesn't work for me. This has always been in my nature, my managers have often scolded me for not taking credit for my portion of work, recognizing that sometimes I did most of the work while others on the team contributed much smaller portions. I would always go in as it was a team accomplishment and refused to own the lion share of credit. I am just not wired that way.
I wonder how other people have dealt with this, when did it become easier for you to say I or me in a situation? When did you not choke on the we as you let it out of your mouth knowing that it was exposing you again to the look where the other person knows you are alone but you just included the other person who is no longer there? And as you started to move toward the singular, was it like ripping open an old sore?
I find that as time continues to march forward, rather than the pain becoming easier it just shifts to other things. I highlight her missing in new and seldom interesting ways. An inability to move something she left somewhere even though it really doesn't belong where it is, a puzzle we started together still sitting unfinished, the weeds growing in the flower pot because she isn't there to remove them like she always did. These are all part of adopting aspects of what was her into my life and doing the things she used to handle around the house. And in so doing I becomes we even more. I takes on both aspects of our natures, and in some ways when I think of things I still think of them from that perspective. I used to like to do certain things before I met my wife, she didn't like them, so I stopped doing them, now that she is gone, when those types of things come up, I still avoid them because she wouldn't like them. But what is truly stopping me? I am.
Well, I know I have a long way to go, and a lot of growing to do still, eventually I will reach a new plateau and take the next step in this journey, but I know all the time my wife's spirit will still be floating there beside me and telling me what not to do :D. And you know what, 9 times out of 10 she will be completely correct.