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Today is a milestone of sorts for me, one that I never thought I would have to face. 

What used to be my favorite random day of the year; Friday the 13th just happens to be 3 months since my love was killed. 
What a doozy of a combo huh? Even more fun with Valentine's day just a few hours away. Can this weekend go die in a fire? 

Irrational VS Rational

Like most of us, I have been telling myself little things for the last 3 months in order to not have to 
deal with the gravity of the fact that B is really gone.. 

Here is just a sample of the ones that I have tortured myself with.. Along with the rational thought that
I cant seem to really wrap my head around. 

I: Oh he is just busy at work, that is why I haven't heard from him
R: He is dead, there is no cell service in.. wherever he is. 

I: He will show up again in 8 years to save me again.. Like he did this time..
R. He can't save you this time.. He is gone and gone for good. You are going to have to save yourself. 

I: He got tired of me, and took off without a word because he couldn't stand breaking my heart.. 
R. He didn't get tired of you, he loved you, till his dying day. 

I: I have to stop wearing his clothes, he will come back one day and wonder why they are all stretched out.
R: Wear them as much as you need to, they are yours now. 

I: It's all a big joke, he will come back and laugh that laugh I used to get so annoyed with.
R. He wouldn't play such a cruel joke on you, He didn't want to go. 

I: We didn't get his licence back and that change of name form came because he is out there somewhere
R. He isn't out there, They took his licence so no one could steal his identity or something. And that 
change of name form was just a mistake, a clerical error. 

I: Oh that would be a great gift for him, I could surprise him at work with it!
R. You can't surprise him with anything anymore.. 

I: I know he will get me something insanely thoughtful for Valentines day..Although he has always treated
every day like valentines day.. 
R. He won't get you anything, because he is gone. Really gone, you have to get used to that fact. 

The bottom line is.. 
I still cant believe that he is really gone.. I know that none of us can and that we wish like hell we had
a magic switch to bring our loved ones back. Why doesn't that thing exist? Do we not have some geniuses in
our midst that can work on that, so I can hug my love one more time? So I could have a second valentine's day 
with him..

I know my words are not as elegant or as funny as everyone else's, I hear everyone's journey is different. 

I guess im going to hang out in this path of denial for a bit longer.. It is cozy here, and the world doesn't suck so much when you just deny the truth to yourself.

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Comment by Choosing life on February 14, 2015 at 5:09am
It's been 20 months for me. And yet I still turn to tell him something and look up expecting to see him. I pray that he is at peace and pray that I will find my own peace. As for vday, the anticipation of it has tortured me all this week. But here I am and the day WILL pass. Thank you for your words of truth. As I read them I was nodding in agreement. Sending you hugs and peace today.
Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on February 14, 2015 at 2:38am

Very well put my friend.. I have thought all day on the day before the vday, that my wife would be home, when I arrived, and again when I got there she wasn't there... Why? Is it denial, I choose another word, I choose SHOCK.. I think it is that we are truly still in shock from the loss of our loves.. Our minds are powerful weapons , yet the shock of death completely changes us forever into that irrational and rational state called grief that takes us on a different path in our journey.. Thanks for your words of truth and be gentle to you...... {{{{{{{{Tiffany}}}}}}}}}

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on February 13, 2015 at 3:15pm

Oh, Tiffany, you just wrote what I go through every, single day. Correction: what I go through on the days I'm not completely numb and bumping into walls. I would have never thought I would be so worthless after 16 months...s I x t e e n months. I can't believe it either. I know that sounds are still so raw from the trauma, I'm sure. But I'm still here, Tiffany! At three months I didn't think I would get through the day I was in...yet I did...and I am. It's like feeling your way around in a pitch black room. But the light slowly seeps in when you least expect it. I hope you've seen the light, least enough glimpses of it that keep you going. Take good care of yourself.

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