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2 years, 8 months and 11 days later

Things still can rock me to the core. I just wanted to write about my Brother-in-law, and the nasty text he wrote me,  but this is really about me. It is about thinking you are just fine and really not being just that! I miss that warm place of my wife's embrace. The embrace when the world seemed to be closing in on me, and she would just hug me and say "its ok babe as long as we got each other and the boys" Wow, well now what? No "US" and one of "the boys" is gone too. What would her words be to me today if she tried to comfort me? How could she? Could or can anyone?

I sat yesterday in someone's living room I was invited for dinner, it made me feel warm inside until I realized that the feeling I was feeling was one that I have lost...... It was a feeling of family, one that I admired and wanted so badly  as a young man and had with my Judy. I realized that not only did DEATH cheat me out of my wife and my son,it cheated me out of people that I called the family for twenty five years. How simply they can dismiss me, I guess I must've been a real bastard. They don't understand the depths of pain that I feel nor do they care. I guess this just hurts because I know they are still here on earth, and my wife and son are gone forever. I know there's no chance of us ever having a relationship again, but there's just something about it that makes me want to hang onto it.

Am I insane?

Who wants to be where you're not wanted? I was never a bad person to them, nor to their sister and daughter. Did we have our ups and downs? Yes we did, but we worked through them all. Judy even shared with her sister so two years before she died we went on a vacation and she fell in love with me all over again as did I with her. Hearing that from my sister-in-law blew me away, as I was sharing with her how I felt she shared with me how Judy felt. It was such a nice moment, but I still hang onto it. I guess if I were to listen to myself talk it's all about me, yet when I hear them speak it's all about them and that offends me. But it offends me because they left me and Dillon totally alone and yet they will still have each other as a family to grieve the loss of their sister. I have had no one to share my memories of Judy with, yes I have the lovely widowed community that we are building, but it's not the same as sharing with someone who actually knew her, knew her idiosyncrasies and her shortcomings, as well as her wonderful presence of who she was. I wrote this today because I really don't know how much longer I want to continue......It would be so much easier to not feel this pain every morning.It would be so easy to just relieve the pressure valve that is my emotional tract.

I Need to fight to Live

While the bills are mounting up, the business is tanking, why is it that I don't feel like even moving out of this chair? I know without money I can't survive, and I also cannot help my son in Florida or my mom whom I gave my word to my POP that I would take care of her. But why does none of the seem to really matter at this moment? It is because the depths or grief and sorrow are just like that of a bottomless pit. As you fall awaiting the bottom you are so scared and then fear becomes rage and trying to find a way out. Then that becomes clawing at the air with no relief in sight. Then it becomes a place of acceptance that this is the end, or is it? You still are falling and nothing seems to help. Then you "let go" so to speak and begin to welcome the falling as a journey, one that you think you can handle. Then you bounce off a wall and WHACK! You are thrust back to reality and the pain of being alone spiraling downward until your day comes. Well I know if i put my head down the end will come sooner, yet I continue to spread my arms and legs to slow my decent. Where will this pit take me? Will "true" Happiness come again? Will I even want to make it another day? Well I guess it's time for me to read my own sign off below, and just let this day happen the way it needs to and hope for a better day for tomorrow.


Arnie Roeland

"Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today, after all that's all we can HOPE for!"


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Comment by missincin (Dan) on October 20, 2014 at 2:22pm

Arnie....You have helped so many people here, how can you be alone. I have come to find that only 1 person from my wife's family talks to me, the rest say "their not related to me what so ever". It's sad and lonely but screw them. My memories and life with my wife are mine. I have what I call anchor ass also, some days all I can do is sit around and accomplish nothing. No energy no will but I no if I make it through the day tomorrow maybe better. You will never rebuild what you had. You have to start anew or as you say "the new normal". I have only been here going on 2 years and to me Widowed Village is Arnie, Fred, Janet and other who are on chat and help new widows. Not the big wigs who run the web site. Take a breath and remember, you helped a lot of people here and have a lot of friends who are here for you.........Dan

Comment by MissingRKK on October 19, 2014 at 5:10pm

How are you doing this weekend, Arnie?

Comment by Joyce on October 15, 2014 at 6:20pm

Arnie, this is all such a sucky roller coaster ride, up one minute and down the next.  Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.  I'm sorry about whatever your brother-in-law wrote but they don't understand and never will unless it happens to them.    It's unbelievable how much family we lose through this.  Hugs

Comment by hendrixx2 on October 15, 2014 at 4:09pm

Hi ((Arnie)), sad to hear you're having a slump Bro, but they come; what i'm saddest about is that much of the cause for it is the lack of family support and understanding. Altho i have been fairly fortunate in that area, i think i can understand what you're saying. having no great answers for any of this i can only say what i think, straight, no chaser; Arnie, some of those simple but important things we came to learn early on in the chat area here really do hold true...''now, we have to take care of our selves...First'', '' we can't expect others to truly understand what we're going through...'', they hold true, sadly, even when it comes to our family members too i think. despite our best efforts, sometimes, we are just not going to get the results we desire, I know you know this, i'm jes' sayin'...dealing with stuff like this, another 'hard realization' is no party, but sometimes it's what we have; the one thing we do know at this point is that we can't force it, some things are simply beyond our control. But, we can control our own reactions...we can steel ourselves against the bullshit from Anyone, friends, family, whomever, it's that thing about taking care of ourselves, protecting ourselves...from anyone.

Arnie, maybe they Can't feel for you, maybe they Don't want to...either way, in moving forward you can remember to be good to yourself; you're doing good things and helping others everyday...We preserve the memories, We know the profound magic we through, we find a way to let those memories carry us and we carry our loved ones with us. The sad fact is that in moving forward, we have to unburden ourselves with those people places and things that would keep us in that's no fun, it ain't pretty, it surely ain't easy, but it's Ours...hold on Bro., you ain't crazy...yet. I apologize for this being so long, but i had to let you that altho each of us have our own battle to live, you are not alone...we know it, Hope Matters...Pax

Comment by Dave55 on October 15, 2014 at 3:48pm

Hugs Arnie, even from where you are, you were able to give me hope when I so needed it.  It was you that got me to camp, and showed me a way forward.  I realized then that I was not alone.  Don't you forget it, I don't want to be mad at you.  Dave 

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on October 15, 2014 at 10:37am

(((Arnie))) I can relate to what you are saying. It isn't easy and your not alone. Sending warm ((((Hugs)))) and thoughts your way. Miss having you in chat. Remember we are all in this together to help each other get through this roller coaster of a ride we are on. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Comment by MissingRKK on October 15, 2014 at 10:06am

Sending you hugs and deep breaths. Some days the tiny kernel of hope is all that exists but that tiny bit of hope is everything and enough to keep you going for a better day tomorrow. You are not insane. You are in grief. Yes, keep fighting for another day. HUGS, ((((((Arnie))))))

Comment by oceangirl on October 14, 2014 at 2:28pm

Hugs to you, Arnie. Yes, this is all about you. I've come to realize that, in the end, it's all up to me. Even with the love from family and friends - it's up to me. Your last paragraph (I need to fight to live) - I get it. I felt this way as well. I have to say that year three was like an effing vortex - it felt like I was running on fumes. I still feel this way sometimes, but hold on, knowing it will pass (and come back and pass again). I have to believe this. 

Comment by JK (OK) on October 13, 2014 at 10:03am
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time Arnie. Hang in there bud. I know that's what you've been doing for the last 2 1/2 years, holding on to hope that it will get better. That's all we have, don't let go of it. Try to keep your head above water, hold your breath, and let the storm pass over you. The waves will calm and the sun will come out again. I hope for you and everyone in our community true happiness again. I'm pulling for you!

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