2 years, 8 months and 11 days later
Things still can rock me to the core. I just wanted to write about my Brother-in-law, and the nasty text he wrote me, but this is really about me. It is about thinking you are just fine and really not being just that! I miss that warm place of my wife's embrace. The embrace when the world seemed to be closing in on me, and she would just hug me and say "its ok babe as long as we got each other and the boys" Wow, well now what? No "US" and one of "the boys" is gone too. What would her words be to me today if she tried to comfort me? How could she? Could or can anyone?
I sat yesterday in someone's living room I was invited for dinner, it made me feel warm inside until I realized that the feeling I was feeling was one that I have lost...... It was a feeling of family, one that I admired and wanted so badly as a young man and had with my Judy. I realized that not only did DEATH cheat me out of my wife and my son,it cheated me out of people that I called the family for twenty five years. How simply they can dismiss me, I guess I must've been a real bastard. They don't understand the depths of pain that I feel nor do they care. I guess this just hurts because I know they are still here on earth, and my wife and son are gone forever. I know there's no chance of us ever having a relationship again, but there's just something about it that makes me want to hang onto it.
Am I insane?
Who wants to be where you're not wanted? I was never a bad person to them, nor to their sister and daughter. Did we have our ups and downs? Yes we did, but we worked through them all. Judy even shared with her sister so two years before she died we went on a vacation and she fell in love with me all over again as did I with her. Hearing that from my sister-in-law blew me away, as I was sharing with her how I felt she shared with me how Judy felt. It was such a nice moment, but I still hang onto it. I guess if I were to listen to myself talk it's all about me, yet when I hear them speak it's all about them and that offends me. But it offends me because they left me and Dillon totally alone and yet they will still have each other as a family to grieve the loss of their sister. I have had no one to share my memories of Judy with, yes I have the lovely widowed community that we are building, but it's not the same as sharing with someone who actually knew her, knew her idiosyncrasies and her shortcomings, as well as her wonderful presence of who she was. I wrote this today because I really don't know how much longer I want to continue......It would be so much easier to not feel this pain every morning.It would be so easy to just relieve the pressure valve that is my emotional tract.
I Need to fight to Live
While the bills are mounting up, the business is tanking, why is it that I don't feel like even moving out of this chair? I know without money I can't survive, and I also cannot help my son in Florida or my mom whom I gave my word to my POP that I would take care of her. But why does none of the seem to really matter at this moment? It is because the depths or grief and sorrow are just like that of a bottomless pit. As you fall awaiting the bottom you are so scared and then fear becomes rage and trying to find a way out. Then that becomes clawing at the air with no relief in sight. Then it becomes a place of acceptance that this is the end, or is it? You still are falling and nothing seems to help. Then you "let go" so to speak and begin to welcome the falling as a journey, one that you think you can handle. Then you bounce off a wall and WHACK! You are thrust back to reality and the pain of being alone spiraling downward until your day comes. Well I know if i put my head down the end will come sooner, yet I continue to spread my arms and legs to slow my decent. Where will this pit take me? Will "true" Happiness come again? Will I even want to make it another day? Well I guess it's time for me to read my own sign off below, and just let this day happen the way it needs to and hope for a better day for tomorrow.
"Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today, after all that's all we can HOPE for!"