Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

I am not feeling like Widowed village is a safe place for me right now.  I should be in bed, but, I feel like I have to say this so that I can sleep tonight.  I posted a blog earlier today because I was shocked and confused about a friend that I've know for almost 30 years who is engaged just 3 months after her husband's death.  They were married for more than 40 years and I KNOW she has not even touched the surface of her grief.  I know this because I have common sense and nobody recovers from a great loss of anybody or anything in a matter of weeks.  But, I was attacked for my post and criticized because people don't really know me here and they don't know my intentions or my heart.  I think I've heard and read many things in the months that I've been here and I didn't agree with everything I read, but I agree with everyone's right to post how they feel about any subject because this is a journey and we are not on an island.  If I didn't agree with a post, I never criticized the person who posted it.  It was their thoughts - who am I to tell them what to think about anything.  Yet, that's what happened to me tonight.  I usually don't open myself up to strangers, but I took a chance because I was so glad to find a place where everyone at least understood what it meant to lose someone you are committed to and loved and lost.  I know that there are people here who come from all walks of life, some who were married and some not, and some with life partners and some religious and some with no religion at all; and all races, males and females.  That is why I felt it could be a safe place because we live in America and we are all going through the same thing.  Now, I don't feel like it is safe for me anymore.

Am I being sensitive - yes, I am always sensitive when I am misjudged and especially by someone who wouldn't even be able to tell you my favorite color, my favorite food, my mother's name, who my first boyfriend was and what my dreams and wishes are for my life.

After Walter died it was so hard for me to be able to express myself to even my closest friends because they had not experienced what I had and they kept saying the wrong thing.  But, unfortunately, we all here have experienced the same thing, we lost someone dear to us.  

How any of you want to handle your business I have nothing to say about, but when someone that I know and have cared about for 30 years acts out of character for herself, YES I am concerned, yes I am hurt, and yes, I need to be able to express that so that I can decide what I should do.  And, I am NOT someone who will hug her and talk about her behind her back.  I never mentioned her name here and I haven't called anyone to tell them - I don't have to, she's telling everybody herself.  I was just the last to know.  And yes, I WILL hug her when I see her because one day she may need a friend like I did many months ago when I joined Widowed Village. 

 

Peace to you all on your journeys.

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Comment by freddieb on May 12, 2012 at 5:28pm

Thank you, Diane.  I'm very disappointed in the people who have abandoned her. They obviously were not true friends and these are people that she and her late husband spent years doing things with.  Watching how they have behaved towards her over the last few months has helped me in this situation because I never want to be treated like that, nor would I treat anybody like that about their own personal business.  I think that friends should speak up if they are concerned, but have enough respect for the person to support their decisions for their own life.  And, I know very well, that this marriage has nothing to do with how much she loved her late husband and I'm sure always will.  I think that her new husband being a widower himself will be able to love and help her through her grief as they share their lives together.  So, I'm going to get me a new dress, buy them a gift, and go to her wedding and celebrate the beginning of this new life that God has blessed her with. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on May 12, 2012 at 4:19pm

I think you're handling this perfectly, Freddie.  It's most important for us to love and support our friends, just as we hope they will love and support us in the decisions we make as we work our way through this new life.  It saddens me that so many of her friends have abandoned her. What on earth do they think they will gain by that behavior?  Your friend being ready to marry again has absolutely no connection to how much she loved her husband. It could have everything to do with the kind of man this widower is ... being open to allowing her to continue to grieve her husband while they begin their new relationship ... and also that they have been gifted with the opportunity to renew the special connection they had so long ago. We know here how quickly life can change ... I wish your friend true happiness.

Comment by freddieb on May 12, 2012 at 3:30pm

A week ago my friend finally told me that she was getting married.  She said that she feels so much peace about this.  The man she's marrying is a widower who's wife passed away 5 years ago and they were high school sweethearts before going their separate ways.  I told her that she looked very happy and that I was happy for her.  So, I got an invitation in the mail and I will attend her wedding in a few weeks.   Many of the people who she and her late husband were friends with have stopped speaking to her all together.  I think that is so wrong.  I would never do that to a friend.  I do still have some concerns, not judging her, but just because I care and I don't want her to get hurt.  Her husband passed away last July and they were married for 42 years.  I don't think you can work through 42 years of grief in a few short weeks or months.  But, she has obviously heard all of this from others and has decided that she is ready to get married.  As her friend, I have to trust that she knows her heart and mind.   I pray that they have a happy life together. 

Comment by freddieb on January 15, 2012 at 3:45pm

Marsha, since that post I have been really blessed by the number of people who have asked me to reconsider.  I am going to stay because I need to be here and I feel connected here, even though I was misunderstood that one time and I know that it could happen again in the future, but I know that not everyone here agrees with everything that everybody has to say.  That's not why I was upset.  I was upset with the way they "talked" to me about what I said.  But, I do enjoy it here and I've grown a lot in my journey just from "listening" to others and what they have to share.  Thank you for your support.  Peace to you too. (((Hugs)))

Comment by Marsha on January 15, 2012 at 8:42am

Freddie I hope you stay. I have enjoyed reading your posts. Showing concern and compassion for a friend is how I took your post on your friend. I would feel the same way so soon after the loss of their spouse. This is a unique journey for all of us and we need a safe place to voice our thoughts and opinions. You have such a gift in your way of expressing you thoughts and I would miss your thoughts and observations. Peace be with you on your journey and I look forward to reading more from you. (((((Hugs))))))

Comment by freddieb on January 14, 2012 at 6:43pm

bad widow, thank you for reading my posts and taking the time to understand how I was really feeling about my friend. I'm glad that you found comfort and compansionship when you needed it after the loss of your husband.

Comment by freddieb on January 14, 2012 at 5:02pm

Thanks, Linda.  You're right. :)

Comment by freddieb on January 13, 2012 at 9:12pm

Jill, thank you so much.  Yes, I realize that what you say is true. I've been here for months and this was really my first uncomfortable experience, so I've decided that I need to stay.  The other member and I have messaged each other privately and we are on good terms.  I just think that at this time in my life after having gone through so much, just as we all have, I just don't deal well with drama.  But, I like it here and I like being able to express what I feel so I'll continue to do that and I hope that something I say will help someone else just like so many of the posts have helped me.  

Comment by Jill on January 13, 2012 at 12:29pm

I am sorry to hear about your uncomfortable experience on Widowed Village. I hope you will choose to stay. Like the rest of life and experience, there will be imperfect moments here too, although I know that this Village does FAR more to promote healing than to harm.

Comment by freddieb on January 13, 2012 at 12:12pm

Jouk, I am so sorry for your loss.  I hate the word widowhood too - just another label to bare.  Nine weeks, I can't even think about it being that new again.  I think I was just in some sort of daze for months and months.  My Walter passed way Jan 6, 2009 and I know that I'll never be loved like that again.   And, if I am, then God will have to drop him out of the sky with my name on him.  But, I want you to know that each day you will find the strength to go on just like we all have.  I am glad that you found this place, it has helped me over the months since I joined just to be able to share and write my feelings somewhere.  I wish you peace and strength for the days ahead, just take it one step at a time.  God bless. 

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