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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

 It feels like the accident never happened. It feels like you are just gone away and will be coming back to me. My mind knows that you died that night but my heart has not received the message. I can barely remember you at times and it's these times I am numb but safe... safe until I'll be doing something that will conjure up a memory of you and then I fall apart all over again. I cannot believe you are gone for good. Nothing makes sense. I never saw this coming. Even if I had how could I ever prepare myself?

 I said to you once that I would kill myself if anything ever happened to you...well I'm still here. I think I've passed the point of that being a possibility. I wonder what you would think about all this? You being killed by a drunk driver. You, who exercised everyday, ate healthy, and was in the best shape possible for a 40 year old man. All of that work to keep yourself in good shape for a long life...all for nothing.

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Comment by Hanh on March 19, 2014 at 7:27am
Hi Tracy, thanks for sharing ur experience.
I have my mom, brother and relatives here. And my in laws has help me a lot by talking to me anytime I want to. I am currently living in Vietnam, but will bring back Johns ashes to Australia next month. My sister in law will fly back here and we all fly back to Australia. I think I need to see an expert to help me too, I will do that in Australia. Where I live now doesn't have those supports. I am sorry for ur loss too Tracy, 4 months and 19 days, still so new for you... And sudden, we never get to say goodbye...
I still talk to him everyday, tell him what happening, and that I need him so much. Sometimes I wish he could tell me what to do, because I was stuck, still I am stuck.
You are right Tracy, we never be the person that we used to be again. I changed the way he died, Hanh died with John, mentally! I will be a different person, but I know I will always try to be the best I can. I wish I could spend everyday more useful as now I am just passing days... I also want to make him proud, but currently don't know how...
Do message me if you want someone to talk to too Tracy.
Take care :)
Comment by TracyB on March 19, 2014 at 7:07am

Hanh, I'm sorry this happened to you and your husband. I was still in shock and denial 20 days after Brennan died. It was unbelievable and still is at times. I've had a very hard time struggling with my identity and wish he would send me some message to tell me what I should do now. I see a psychologist weekly which has helped. I'm not sure what kind of support you have around you but you don't have to do this alone. It is 4 months and 19 days since he died. I have had the occasional "good" day but...does it get better? I am doing better than I was at 20 days in but I'm nowhere close to who I was before this. For me I know I will never be that person again but I am hopeful that I will become someone my husband would be proud of. Hang in there Hanh, please message me anytime.

Comment by Hanh on March 18, 2014 at 9:42pm
I feel for you Tracy. My husband, 42 years old, died because of motorbike crash 20 Days ago, drunk driver too :(
I never thought about this, he was very heathy and active man. Love exploring new places, can fix almost everything in the house, very handy...
I can't believe he's gone. Sometimes I fool myself he's working somewhere, he will be back. I miss him a lot!
Sometimes I wonder If I died and he survived, what would he do?
He was a strong man but could he get through this pain? I think if he had a choice, would he go or let me go first??
Things around me seem to be so strange! I look at myself and I see a strange person. Where was happy Hanh when John was alive? I miss people talking and saying John and Hanh, couple! Now only Hanh, a widow... I am same like you Tracy, told him I can't live without him. I think it's true, I am not living, only surviving... When will it get better? I don't know, I don't really know...
Comment by Maria Louisa on March 4, 2014 at 8:11pm

Bless your heart... I am so sorry for your loss. 

Comment by Cat on February 26, 2014 at 2:34pm
xxx Nothing makes sense anymore xxx
Comment by laurajay on February 26, 2014 at 1:30pm

tracyb   if you have opportunity to purchase   "How to go on living when someone your love dies'' by Therese Rando PHD   it contains an excellent section that helps to understand the grief that follows  sudden, unexpected death   vs  anticipated death.  it won't bring back your husband  but it will help you to see what  it means in your grieving process.  There are no answers for such happenings.  My husband died unexpectedly as well.  I read dozens of books that first year,  Many dealt with the business of dying  but the one I just listed for you  did much more...did not preach either.    Read it.  It will help.   laurajay

Comment by missmyhunny on February 26, 2014 at 4:04am

TracyB, My heartfelt Condolences for what you are going through. It is just so unfair and makes no sense.  My firstborn son was killed by a drunk driver and it ripped my heart out. My second husband died suddenly last year too. I don't know how we go on but somehow we do. (((((Hugs)))))

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