I was talking to a friend tonight and just about burst into tears, something I have not done for a while. She said she was pleased things were working out so well for me! I had to excuse myself because her cheerfulness and my loneliness just didn't mesh. I know it is silly to terminate a call when I want so much to talk to someone but it does have to be someone who will understand.
I know I do sound cheerful on the phone and even on Facebook I only post the highlights of the week so nobody sees the sad and lonely hours or sees that I fill my life up as much as I can and do things just to keep busy. Keeping busy seems to be the name of the game. I have plenty to do, a volunteer can always find more voluntary work. We all know that everyone seems to have a cause these days and all organisations, particularly charities always need extra hands.
My family seems to think that I am okay and an occasional phone call is all I need. If they each rang me once a week and talked for an hour that is three hours occupied...hmm, what do I do with the other 165? Fill them in with some kind of busyness I guess. I have been asked if I have thought of getting a part-time job but with so many young people out of work it seems selfish to want to take on one of the few jobs available locally even if I did manage to get one. So many thousands of people have to commute from my lovely coastal area to Sydney or the greater metropolitan area so they add another four hours of travelling to a day and hardly see their families.
There will be plenty to fill in the days from the beginning of December as I will give extra time to my Lions Club and to church. Giving up time at home to do things in the community is always a good thing as far as I am concerned. I get a lot out of working so the church has the money to help those in need or so the Lions Club can boost the coffers of local charities or supply a local family with a piece of equipment for a disabled child, or help fund the education of a university student.
I am still looking for someone to teach me to waltz. I am going down to the Seniors Centre to see what dances they do on Dance night once a month. They hold all sorts of events and there are programs including computer classes and hobby classes as well so maybe I will see if I want to join any of those next year, this year's programs are all running down now towards the end of the year. Most will not resume to February, common here with the long school break and minding grandchildren is what many seniors are called on to do.
From time to time loneliness bites. I know some of the present angst is due to the fact that Christmas ( that special family time according to the ads) is looming over us now. I will have the family from down the South Coast here, hopefully overnight, from late Christmas afternoon but will have the time from when church is finished until I see them on my own. I know I am whining now, so please forgive me. But did I mention I was lonely?