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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

This week has been rough, it is not an anniversary of anything, or a sadiversary since his death, but a few things this week have triggered me to finally recognize that this HAS happened and he is NOT coming home.

Sunday a friend of mine, who had never been out to where we lived, came out to pick me up. She walked inside our room and saw the hodgepodge of Blaine's stuff and my stuff mixed together. She looked down at a shoe rack under the desk and said "are all of these your shoes" 
"No, most of them are his" 
Then she looked in the closet
"Are those his clothes?" 
"Yes..."
"You really need to pack up his shoes and clothes Tiffany"
"I'll get to it when I move out"

In hindsight this really hurt my feelings. Where does she get off telling me that I need to pack up his stuff. I live in his room with his stuff because I would not feel right in a room not surrounded by his things.. 

Monday, my company started work on Blaine's headstone. This hit me a lot harder than I thought it was going to. I knew the time would come for them to actually start the cutting and sandblasting. I think the fact that I can walk back there any time I like and see the progress which almost makes it worse. It would be one thing if it was just... done and I didn't "get" to see it from start to finish. 

Yesterday as I was driving home, I had the thought "I miss having someone who wonders where the hell I am, and why i'm not home yet" I miss having him call me, as much as it annoyed me at the time, RIGHT AFTER I sent him a message saying I was leaving the office. 
"Whatcha doin?" 
"Driving, didn't I JUST tell you I was leaving the office?"
 "Well I just wanted to hear your voice" 
I miss those damn phone calls now.. 

He isn't coming home.. He isn't out there somewhere. He is gone, and there is no getting him back.

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Comment by katpilot on May 5, 2015 at 2:04pm

That she said it as a directive is the bad part TiffaneyLynn. I understand that for outsiders, it doesn't seem comfortable to see those things in our homes but that is after all, ours to decide.  You move on after those such remarks. After a while they just seem to roll off you because you will hear them for years to come. When people say such things to me, I simply look them straight in the eye and just smile for a moment. Then while still looking at them, I change the subject. They get the point or, they get out. Their choice.

By now, after four years, what I was going to get rid of is gone, and the rest stays. I don't hold on to things because I can't let go of the past. I hold on to things because the past is part of my life and it always "will" be......... my life. The truth is, my home and everything she did to it is pretty, just simply pretty and I enjoy beautiful things surrounding me.

 I have a similar feeling Confused in that I did  hang on to certain items she wore and special purses she carried on a few special evenings out. Of course there are many other items as well. You just do what feels right for you and worry not about those who have issues. They don't live there, you do. 

Comment by Confused on May 5, 2015 at 1:01pm

i've not removed many of my husband's things nor do i want to. i know the time will come and i know it's not now. thankfully, no one is pressuring me one way or the other...that would make it more difficult. 

i can totally relate to the part about coming home and the phone calls.  when my husband first passed away (1/8/15), i hated it and would intentionally stay out late...or not leave the house because i didn't want to come home to nothing.  i miss his phone calls and his ringtone. shortly after he passed, i was going through my voicemail and found one from him that i had never listened to.  in it he was giving me a hard time (joking) for not answering him and said "i know you just want to hear my voice and that's ok."  i was shocked when i heard it and have kept it.

Comment by Steve on May 1, 2015 at 7:09am
Hi bis4betsy, thanks for your reply, and yes, those moments are so hard. Mike and I were very young in our teens, when we fell in love and we're together just short of 31 yrs. our first 10 yrs were very rough, both growing up together, both selfish and arrogant, but we couldn't deny, we loved each other so much, and in our late 20's decided to get our act together, stop partying and being so selfish and self centered, get serious about our life together. By the time we were together 20 yrs, we had learned thru therapy, and other things how to make each other happy, be unselfish with each other, support each other and make each other feel so loved and wanted and special. We really appreciated each other and were much better partners. I remember having dinner one night around our 25th anniversary and laughing till we almost peed, about the things we had been thru together, about me getting so mad I couldn't talk, and we laughed so hard, just being at a point in our relationship that we were so grateful to each other, realizing how much growth we had done, how far we had come and at our early 40's we loved each other so much and felt very blessed to have each other. For me, I appreciated Mike so much, and he knew it, but after he passed, still, even though I had realized how much I loved him before he passed, it really hit me hard after he passed, how much he did for me, that I didn't even know, till he was gone. Every time something was missing from my daily life, after his passing, it would hit me like a ton of bricks, OMG he did this for me for 30 yrs and I never realized it, he never said a word about it, just did it without mention, and I would cry for a week, just with that realization how much he loved me.
Mike had learned over the years to be a fabulous cook. I was the main meal preparer, through the week, but on weekends, or holidays, he would love to get in the kitchen and really cook. He would spend hours, making spaghetti sauce from scratch, spend 2 days preparing a amazing thanksgiving feast or Xmas feast, everything from scratch, the entire family would look so forward to our holiday meals. Of course, after Mike passed, this all stopped, his family stopped coming out for birthdays and holidays, and although we remain close via telephone and text, the frequent visits all stopped after he passed. I grew very close with his family and it was so hard to go from huge family holidays to just me. I remember about a year after Mike passed, I was over a close friends home for dinner, it had taken me this long to accept a dinner invite, too rough prior to go to dinner without Mike, and as we sat down at the table, I discovered they were serving spaghetti. At that moment it hit me, I was never going to have mikes home made spaghetti dinner ever again, never going to wake up to him cooking in the kitchen, the house full of wonderful smells and lots of love, and I burst into the worst, ugliest cry, right there at the table as dinner was being served. My heart was shattered again. I had to leave and it was another year or two before I allowed myself to accept a dinner invite again. There have been so many of those, "OH SHIT" moments. Just things that I hadn't discovered yet on my path of new singledom, of another piece of my life with Mike I had to learn to live without. But I am learning, to find a way to peace with it. I still stumble, and crumble at times, but I'm trying to just be so greatful, for what I had, and have now, trying to hold onto hope that I will eventually find some complete peace. I am so much better now, but still that hole remains, and I never know when another sting will happen.
Comment by bis4betsy on April 30, 2015 at 9:11pm

Steve- I'm 6 years out too and I feel the same way when I go in the backyard.  There are days it's no big deal, but tonight as I was doing all the little things he used to do I started to get all misty.  I pushed through it but darn it, I never thought it would still be this painful or challenging.  Patience and kindness with yourself is wise advice.  

Comment by Steve on April 30, 2015 at 7:25am
I relate to this so much. I'm 6 yrs out and still have moments of shock, "oh yea" Mikes gone"! Those moments take my breath away. I have to sit for a few moments and gather myself. It so surprises me that these times still occur after 100's of those moments. That in early times, would send me to bed for weeks. I'm able to push these moments aside now, more easily and get to what I'm doing, but I'm realizing, that, this recovery is still in progress, and still need to be patient with myself.
Comment by smit09 on April 29, 2015 at 5:04am

oh sweet lady, this post brought me to tears... brought me back to my early stages of grief.  It's so hard.  I remember when people would come to visit and see Craig's things out and about... somethings I didn't even move, left them JUST where he placed them... some people would just stare and not say anything, but the closest family and friends would actually say "it might be time to let go of these things"...  naturally I was pissed off.  Looking back, it was just them caring, but not knowing how to say or do the right things, because they themselves have never endured such a loss.  

I miss the calls too.

even after 4 years.

it will get 'better'. 

sending love and positive energy your way as you heal. 

Comment by bis4betsy on April 24, 2015 at 9:18pm

I agree with you about people trying to fix things for us.  It sounds helpful but they don't realize how crippling it is to just think about letting it go.  However the easiest thing for me to get rid of were the holey socks he would never let me throw out because . . .  I don't know he just wouldn't let me and he had a drawer crammed full of them and it felt good to do that.  

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