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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I became a widow at about 7:45am on Friday the 30th of March 2018. It was Good Friday and my husband became an Easter weekend road toll statistic. I was 42, my husband was 43. The entire family was in the car, our twins aged 13 and eldest aged 17.  I was injured fairly seriously but the boys escaped with minor cuts and bruises. The boys pulled me from the wreckage. My husband, their dad died instantly. That's the bare facts of how I joined the "widow/er club". 

As a new member, I knew immediately that I needed to speak to others in the club. I needed to know that other people understood. Very few of my friends were in the club, one - an older lady in her 70's (but that's kind of expected right?) and a woman who I knew when we were girls had lost her husband from cancer. That was it. Surely there had to be more? So I went online and searched. Well I was horrified and heartened that there were so many of us. We are young and old, parents and those with no kids, married or engaged or long term partnered, we had experienced sudden passings and slow painful ones, long timers and newbies, and we live all over the world. It turned out that this a a really big club to be a part of. I had no idea! I had lived in my comfortable little bubble never realising for a moment how many people were out there mourning the loss of their life partner. I had thought I was a compassionate sort of person, but here is a whole new group of people who I had largely ignored and certainly not done much to support. This club is massive. It almost feels like an underworld group. We are living in plain sight but are largely unnoticed by the general public. they don't "get it". Mostly they don't want to "get it" and I don't think they should either. It makes them feel uncomfortable - thinking about their mortality or their partners mortality. We widow/ers are a reminder that life doesn't always go to plan. Mine certainly hasn't! 

I haven't learnt yet if there is a secret handshake - known by club members only. What I have discovered is that there is a sort of secret head nod, a certain look in the eye, a particularly warm hug. It doesn't seem to matter what our other differences are, the one massive thing we have in common far out weighs our differences. I have also learnt that once you are a member you kind of always are. It doesn't seem to matter if you find a new partner and "move on", you still went through that experience of loss and will never be the same again. I am still a newbie and probably will be for a while yet, but there are so many more coming in after me. I'm still learning the ropes, still making the first steps on this new journey. The nice thing is, I can now reach back and help those behind, just as I reach forward for help from those who go ahead. I don't think we need an handshake. We just have each other.  

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Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 5, 2018 at 3:22pm

Thank you all for your kind comments. I am enjoying sharing my journey with you. I like that I receive comfort and strength from those who have gone before and I hope I can help those who come behind.

Comment by Sar_ML on September 4, 2018 at 7:24am

Really connected with this post, and am so sorry for the experience you’ve been through...I joined this club earlier this summer after a tragic accident too and felt desperate to connect with anyone who actually understood this feeling. Adjusting to this new reality for my daughter and I still feels unreal and I think connecting with others in this tribe who have been in this situation before is going to be a big lifeline for now and in future.

Comment by MartyG (ver. 2.2) on September 4, 2018 at 7:00am

Well said, Em...glad you are in our Main Chat Rom "tribe." :)

Comment by Callie2 on August 27, 2018 at 10:41am

Miss Em, so sorry for your loss and for such a horrible experience. When we are young, we don’t think so much about death whether it’s a car accident, an illness or any other sudden tragedy. We’re busy living and hopefully enjoying our lives, and that’s the way it should be. When something awful happens like what has happened to you, you are thrust into a whole different world with very new realities and in your case, much too soon.

Grief is a long journey that requires a lot of patience. I am glad to read that you are reaching out and hope you get the necessary support for yourself and the children. I hope that sharing your feelings here along with the struggles of a young widow will bring some solace. You are not alone! In the months ahead, keep in mind there will come a time when life gets good again. We do heal. We don’t forget but then again, I don’t really think we would want to. Hugs to you Emma!

Comment by riet on August 27, 2018 at 3:05am

So true.

I was one of the people ignoring grief ,before I lost my husband.  Now I am astonished by the love and care I get from those around me. At 66 I am learning as much about life as if I was a small child.

My world ended after loosing the love of my life. But I see some bright spots in this dark tunnel. They are given by you, my fellow human beings

Comment by Tess on August 27, 2018 at 2:29am

Emma, I just happened to stumble across your posting as I was looking to respond to one that appeared in my email notification. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. I hardly know what to say, except to send hugs.

How very spot on you are with the state of widowhood. We do have each other as members of this "exclusive" club. I realize too how dismissive I was in the past to those whose lives were turned upside down by the loss of their partners. I didn't intend to be that way. It is just a lack of understanding.

I am now more sensitive and understand the journey of widows and widowers. I am sending healing thoughts your way. It is a path certainly not of any of our choosing, but one we very clumsily stumble through, rocks and all.

My best to you during this journey.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on August 26, 2018 at 9:16pm

How sweet and how accurate. 

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