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Maybe it's because the big things are so obvious, and at this point in my journey (almost 7 months) I expect them to be bad.  So I was prepared for my husband's first birthday in Heaven, and I got through the day okay.  I am handling the responsibilities of the house better than I ever thought I could.  I am even learning how to cook.

 

So what has been tripping me up lately?  It's the little things.   I had a bad day at work and I just wanted him to listen to me vent.  He was always able to make things better, and even if he laughed at me he did it in a way that found me laughing at myself also.  I needed to find an extension cord, and I just wanted to ask him where "we" (by we, I mean him) keep them.  I wanted to ask him how long eggs last in the refrigerator.  I wondered if we have a week whacker.  What is this tool for?  What the heck is this thing I found anyway?  Can I throw it out, or is it some critical piece to some important applicance that I never had to worry about before?  Do you think I should paint or wallpaper?  All the small decisions, all the silly questions, all the trivial incidents that happen throughout the day.   I have to deal with them all by myself.  And I don't like it at all.  

 

I miss Kevin relentlessly.  His absence is a profound emptiness in my life.  I was complete when he was alive.  Now I am broken.   And I don't like it at all.

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Comment by rodsgurl09 on June 1, 2013 at 8:43am

I so get this. I miss Rodney so much and yes, all the little things. They turn out to be not so little after all. (((hugs)))

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on June 1, 2013 at 5:29am

Dear Susan. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband died 7 months ago to stupid brain cancer. I share so many of your feelings. Keep going. One baby step at a time.

Comment by Lori on May 31, 2013 at 10:28pm

hugs sweetheart

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on May 31, 2013 at 4:34pm

Oh ((Susan))  Yes, the daily things seem to be the ones that really make the absence so damn huge and so damn hard.  All the trivial conversations, and all the comforting ones, and everything in between.  I hope that as you travel this journey you will find that the broken-ness does change...the loss is never really "gotten over"...the scar remains...but we find ways to continue on.  ((hugs))

Comment by Phyllis on May 31, 2013 at 3:29am

I too had a husband who did all the "man work".  I never bothered to learn because nothing was ever going to happen to him, right?  Don always was a tinkerer, a fixer, a collector of stuff that might come in handy some day.  So when I cleaned out the basement, if I didn't recognize a part, I just pitched it.  I have always been impulsive about cleaning out and throwing things away.  There's nothing more beautiful than an empty shelf.  But I probably should have waited.  God knows what I got rid of but I figured if I didn't know how to use it, there's no sense in keeping it.  But I'm learning, like others who find themselves alone suddently, even if I have to pay for the lesson.  I have my own toolbox with only tools I recognize.  I have a sense of accomplishment from that, but not a sense of accomplishment that I ever wanted.  I try not to get overwhelmed but sometimes it just comes over me and I have to have a crying jag.  But we will get there!

Comment by lizbeth4 on May 30, 2013 at 3:23pm

Hi Susan,  My Husband passed away 11 weeks ago from cancer.  I always thought I was soo independent as I could do most everything by myself.  Now I am finding myself overwhelmed with having the responsibility for everything.  The pilot light went out on the water heater this morning, (no hot water for my shower) and I couldn't get it lit.  So, I had to call someone out to light it for me and give me a lesson on how to do it. ($48 later).  Now I know how to do it if it goes out again.  That is something that my Husband would have taken care of.  I have just felt sad the rest of the day knowing that he isn't coming back and I will have to take care of everything now without him.  I don't like it at all either.

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