Maybe it's because the big things are so obvious, and at this point in my journey (almost 7 months) I expect them to be bad. So I was prepared for my husband's first birthday in Heaven, and I got through the day okay. I am handling the responsibilities of the house better than I ever thought I could. I am even learning how to cook.
So what has been tripping me up lately? It's the little things. I had a bad day at work and I just wanted him to listen to me vent. He was always able to make things better, and even if he laughed at me he did it in a way that found me laughing at myself also. I needed to find an extension cord, and I just wanted to ask him where "we" (by we, I mean him) keep them. I wanted to ask him how long eggs last in the refrigerator. I wondered if we have a week whacker. What is this tool for? What the heck is this thing I found anyway? Can I throw it out, or is it some critical piece to some important applicance that I never had to worry about before? Do you think I should paint or wallpaper? All the small decisions, all the silly questions, all the trivial incidents that happen throughout the day. I have to deal with them all by myself. And I don't like it at all.
I miss Kevin relentlessly. His absence is a profound emptiness in my life. I was complete when he was alive. Now I am broken. And I don't like it at all.